300: Masterminding Mornings

AUDIO MMP 300 – August Masterminding Monthly school morning stress

[00:00:00] Randi Rubenstein: My name is Randi Rubenstein, and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast. At Mastermind Parenting, we’re on a mission to support strong-willed kids and the families that love them. 

Hi everyone. Well, we’re all gearing up for school. I know some people have either even started school already. It’s crazy. Um, yeah, we’re, we’re in it and I know some, Northeastern school districts don’t start school if you’re in America, that is, don’t start school until September. And I remember I remember what school mornings were like. 

In fact, I was just back into early mornings because I hosted I I was a host family for this big teenage athletic event that happened in Houston a few weeks ago. And I had three 14 year old teenage boys. It was so much fun. It was, um, late nights, early mornings, getting everyone to their games. Um, and after everyone left and they were delightful. And I said to my husband, I’m like, this is just like two nights ago, I was like, I’m wiped.

Like we forget the early mornings, the late nights. Caring for kids, even great kids, self sufficient kids, teenage kids, kids that are away from you a lot of the day. It’s exhausting. It’s a lot of bandwidth. And so what I am giving you guys this week is just, it’s a little bit of a blast from the past, but really good content about smoothing out your mornings. 

Because as we all know, a chaotic morning sets the tone for the day. It doesn’t set any of us up for success. And when we send our kids off and we’ve been, um, you know, we’ve been fighting, they’ve been fighting, everybody’s cortisol levels are heightened. It takes hours for those cortisol levels to come down.

So you know, when we don’t have smooth mornings, not only does it just suck to live like that, it also sends our kids off -and this is not to give anyone, like to add to your stress and overwhelm or, or give you any guilt or shame- but we do send them off at a deficit for learning. It takes hours to, to recalibrate and bring those stress hormones back down. So smooth mornings, they might like, Oh yeah, Oh, what are mornings like? They’re pretty important. 

So this was a call that I did. I coach a couple people. I teach five tips about the morning. Um, and I, we re listened to it and we were just, we just thought this is good. So this is what we have for you this week. Hopefully it will help you to smooth out the mornings and set the tone for an amazing school year. Okay. Enjoy.

And this is our Masterminding Monthly Coaching Call. And this month’s topic is school morning, school morning stress. Um, the struggle is real. I remember this all too well. My youngest just started his senior year, so we don’t have a lot of school morning stress round here, but I remember when I had three kids and I was always on my own in the morning, my, um, partner went to work most of the time, very, very early and I had three kids.

I have eight years between my oldest and my youngest. , And for many years, it was before I had, I, I knew what boundaries were. I also had a father that used to let himself into my house at seven o’clock in the morning and I had let him pretend that he would help me. And so I had, yeah, like that going on too. It was stressful. It. And then he’s pretending to help me, but really I have another mouth to feed and he’s trying to have a conversation with me while I’m getting three kids off or two kids and a baby off to school. It was stressful. That’s why I chose this topic. 

So, my intention is always to go back and help younger me. So I’m just thinking about you all as younger me and trying to save you some pain and anguish. Um, and hopefully you’ll take less time to learn how to get a hold of that stress in the morning so they can be smooth, smooth sailing. 

And this is what I want everyone to keep in mind. Stress Is not bad for you. And there is stress in the morning, like if we didn’t have some stress in our life, we’d probably just like, I mean, I know I would, I probably just like lay and rot and watch Netflix or something like we have stress. A lot of times is what tells our body like we got to go, we got to take action. And so, so stress is not necessarily a bad thing. And school mornings, there’s not a lot of time for anything. 

So let’s talk about what happens during the mornings before school. Okay. Everyone wakes up, we got to get dressed and ready. We got to eat breakfast. We got to pack up backpacks with whatever you need for the day. And we got to leave for school. So what does that wake up, get dressed, eat breakfast, pack up backpacks, leave for school. So five things. It sounds so simple, right? It sounds so simple. So what gets in the way of it being simple, right? So just because something’s simple doesn’t mean it’s easy. Okay. 

And what gives in the way, what gets in the way? So I could sit here and give you systems and checklists and parenting words and tips and scripts, but you know, your kid, right? What really gets in the way of making those five simple things fairly easy and and smooth. I would love to hear from you all. What gets in the way? Anyone? Do y’all know what gets in the way?

Resistance. He doesn’t want to wake up, right? He resists waking up. What else? What else do they resist? Right? What else do they resist? They resist waking up. They resist brushing their hair. They resist putting on the clothes. They resist, um, you know, packing up their backpack, putting their, filling up their water bottle, getting their lunch. If they take a lunch and putting it in their back, in their backpack, um, making sure they’ve got their papers and their supplies or whatever they need. Right. Putting on their shoes resistance, so much resistance. These things are simple. And what, yeah, getting in the car. Right. Yeah. Constant distractions.

Right? All those distract distractions are just their resistance, their resistance to just doing the simple things that we’ve done a million times before. And we think they should just know what to do, but there’s just so much resistant resistance. The resistance is what we’re covering tonight. We’re overcoming the resistance.

Okay, so to overcome the resistance, here’s the thing. I do believe in, and we’re going to share a resource towards the end. I’m going to share a resource with you guys, and it’s going to help you to kind of understand, like, in terms of, like, the checklist and all the systems and the things. I’m not a super systems person. I had to learn systems. Yes, there are systems that we just because we learn the systems, just because we have the checklist. doesn’t mean that it’s going to be easy because of all that damn resistance. Okay. So everyone just keep that in mind. 

What we’re doing is we’re overcoming resistance, the systems, the checklist, all that stuff. That’s the super easy part. That’s the easy part. It’s the resistance that we want to overcome. Once we overcome the resistance, then everything falls into place and it all of a sudden is simple and it’s easy. Okay. 

So, okay. Y’all know how I like to do. I like to talk about. I like to take you guys back into an experience that may seem like it has nothing to do with the, the, the school mornings, the school mornings. Cause I know most of us are pretty angsty over the school mornings. I know I used to be. So I want y’all to just take a breath. We’re going to overcome our own resistance first and foremost. Okay. 

And I want y’all to go back and think of a specific proud moment between first grade and college. Okay, give me a big window, proud moment or a proud memory, something that you did, right? It could be that you won that race. In 6th grade, it could be that you got, um, you were the only kid in the whole class that got an A on whatever test in 3rd grade. Um, it could be a paper that you worked really hard on in high school or college and you felt so proud of it. 

It, for me, it was 3rd grade, winning the spelling bee, getting chosen to be on this team that represented my school, right? Or science fair or a baseball championship or dance competition. Okay. I want y’all to think of a proud moment or a proud memory. Barbara Lynn. Perfect. I crushed my older sister in Monopoly. Right? Like I was the Monopoly champion. Finally, I crushed her. I got Park Place and Boardwalk, whatever it is. Remember, right? Being accepted into the Houston Ballet, right? Oh, you were seven. She was 17. She was always better at everything. And then there was this time and I crushed her in Monopoly.

Okay? So, um, Oh, here we go. Winning first place in theater in middle school. I counted to a hundred in front of everyone in kindergarten. Oh yeah, that was good. I remember I read a hundred books in first grade. I was one, I was the first kid to read a hundred books and our teacher gave us a big giant Hershey’s bar. And I was so proud of that moment in first grade. So think back to you felt super proud of.

Scored. Winning goal in eighth grade soccer game and double overtime game took us to the championship. That is awesome. I’m struggling to think of something. Lori. Yeah, Lord, really think about something it could have been. I mean, I remember there was a paper I wrote in college in this class and I couldn’t believe it when I got it back and like, my professors comments were and I was like me. She sees me. She thinks I’m smart. Like, think about one thing you felt super proud of, okay? And now think about your parents involvement in that thing.

Did your parents, did, you know, Barbara Lynn, did your parents tell you exactly what to do during the Monopoly game. Were they the ones orchestrating and masterminding at all? Nope. Right? Like, did they write that paper for you? Did your parents force you to play baseball? And, and, and were they out there making sure you made that one play? Or the science fair project? You know, maybe you had parents that did your science fair project. Chances are if you won, you were, it wasn’t your proudest moment because you know, your parents did it for you, but it was if it was your science fair project that you worked hard on. Right. 

And Barbara Lynn says they were not around at all. Yeah, I get it. Um, so if you think about that thing, you feel super proud of, did your parents berate you for not running fast enough in eighth grade or for dancing well enough to, you know, did they, is that why you made the, the, you know, you got chosen for the ballet because your parents were constantly saying, you’re not doing it good enough. You go dance harder, dance better. Right? Why don’t you ever? Did you hear me faster? Right? Like what helped you to become amazing at running or dancing or monopoly? Right? 

So if you think about that, you know, the ridiculousness of the berating method and thinking that that’s what helps kids to accomplish things that they end up feeling really proud of. Right? Um, Like, it’s kind of crazy. 

If you think about it, like when it comes to school mornings, like, why can’t you put your shoes on the first time I asked, did you hear me? I said, let’s go. We’re berating them. We’re berating them. We think it’s motivating. And I know we get wrapped up in the moment because we’re frantic and we don’t want to be late and there’s so much stress and we, it overcomes us.

And yet it’s like the definition of insanity. It’s never going to motivate people to do it better ever. Ever. That’s just not what works. Berating never works. So what actually helped you to accomplish the thing during your school years that brought you so much pride and all of the feel goods, right? One thing. One thing helped. There’s one thing that helped and there’s one main thing. 

Oh, Lori said, no, I did it all on my own. Thank you, Lori, for queuing that up because there’s one thing that helps kids to feel a sense of pride and ownership over accomplishing things, right? Over being the kind of kids that do the things that they feel proud of. One thing, agency. Agency. 

Okay, so you had, you felt a sense of agency, you felt in control, right? Did you need your parents to support you? Maybe not Barbara, Barbara Lynn, maybe she didn’t, um, right? Like, like, we probably, maybe needed them to drive us to buy those supply for the, to buy the supplies for the science fair or to drive us to the soccer practice or to pay for our uniform or, you know, to help coordinate the dance class or the baseball gear. Right of course, their support helped us to accomplish the big goals. And would you have felt as much pride if your accomplishments were all about your parents agendas and you hadn’t felt like you had agency in achieving that big thing, right? 

So what does it mean to have agency? Agency is the sense of control that you feel in your life, your capacity to influence your own thoughts, and behaviors and believing, believing in your ability to handle whatever comes your way. It helps you, agency helps you to be psychologically stable and flexible and navigate life, like figure things out. So how do you give your kids a sense of agency over their mornings? How do you, how do you give them a sense of agency over their mornings? Right? 

That’s That’s how we overcome the resistance. We want to give them a sense of agency. Okay. And that’s how we’re going to iron out the wrinkles of all the mornings is we’re going to be thinking of that one thing. Okay. Agency. How do I give them agency? How do I help them to have agency? If you’re the berating parent, they’re not going to have agency. They’re just going to continue to have. Resistance, without a sense of agency, we just get more and more and more resistance. Okay? 

Now, when we’re giving our kids a sense of agency, how do we establish that? Do we do it? Do we start talking about agency? They don’t know what the fuck that means. No, no. We have to help them to own these five simple parts of their morning. Waking up, getting dressed and ready, eating breakfast, packing up their shit, and leaving. We have to help them to own it. 

 This Montessori mom of a three year old who makes these awesome videos. She’s this Australian mom, although it might confuse you because she’s got a Korean accent, but she lives in Australia and she’s got a 3-year-old and a newborn, and she puts out these amazing videos and she, it’s all about, how she helps this three year old learn how to have agency and to, to do all the things. 

From, you know, taking off her shoes when she comes in from school and putting them where they need to be and then going and washing her hands and, you know, using the soap and then putting her towel on the hook and like, All these, you know, down to, um, she’s even like watching the baby while the mom makes dinner and then she’s, she’s, um, helping to clean up her toys and then she bathes herself and she does all these things. This little three year old does all these things because her mom helped her to develop a sense of agency. 

I want y’all to remember mom isn’t trying to teach her all these different steps. When they’re in the heat of the moment, mom has taught her one step and then another step and then another step and then another step. And then she also even talks about, since new baby came, we were having, she was very resistant to bedtime. So. I’ve added some more snuggles and some more connection time here and here and here. She’s like filling up her love cup during the day so that she can because she knows that it’s all connected her resistance at night. Was definitely connected to her feeling, you know, having a hard time with this new baby transitions. She built in all these connecting moments during the day. 

So, when we’re giving our kids a sense of agency, and we’re trying, and we’re, and we’re, and we’re helping them to own the 5 simple tasks in the morning. We’ve got to. We’ve got to prepare them and prep them and, and support them. Right? Like think about you as the parent who is driving your kid to the sports, you know, signing your kid up for the dance class. You’re not out there. you know, whipping them or screaming in their face to do it better. You’re just there. You’re like the, you’re like the guide on the side, right? You’re there to support them. 

So we’re going to start talking about those five simple things. That’s going to be your assignment this weekend. We’re going to start talking about those five simple things. We’re going to start having those conversations. We’re going to start laying out our plan and you’re going to be developing your morning systems. And we’re going to, we’re going to, we’re going to role play with people. We’re going to make sure that we have, we have come up with the plan together so that our kids have a sense of agency when they help to come up with the plan with you.

Guess what? Anytime, anytime someone is involved in coming up with the plan and they feel like they have, you know, a say in the matter, they start to have agency. Right. They start to own that plan. So parenting is establishing the rules, repeating it often, and then following through consistently. So this weekend, you’re going to go over with your kids, these five simple things. And then we’re going to start having conversations about how those five simple things are going to get accomplished. 

It might involve An alarm clock, it might involve setting that alarm clock the night before. It might involve picking out the clothes for school the night before. It might involve putting the clo, the clothes here. It might involve certain times that we’ve now established and agreed upon when you’re downstairs and ready to eat your breakfast. It might involve what happens after breakfast. Then the backpacks like it might involve some rules around. There’s no screens in the morning, we’re, you know, we got to go, go, go screens happen at this time during the day and in the morning, you know, maybe it’s that, and I’m not here to say you should or shouldn’t have screens.

I’m saying we want to keep it simple. So anything that that makes it not simple. We’re either going to have a conversation with our kid where we. Take it off the table. During the morning to lower our stress levels and their stress levels. Um, but we’re going to come up with a plan together and I don’t know what’s going to work for your family because I don’t live in your homes, right?

Like, you’re the pack leader. You’re the one who’s going to be leading this conversation and coming up with your system together. As much as you can involve your kids and then we’re, we’re, you know, you know what human kryptonite is. Uncertainty is uncertainty when they don’t know, you know, and we think they should just know every single morning. These are all the things that happen. 

But when there’s been loose boundaries. And they’ve been able to kind of have a lot of sort of screw around time. You know, they want to do that. Right. So we have to be super clear and come up with our system and come up with our plan and communicate it. And we’re all in agreement and we’re all on the same page. And the car leaves at this time or the, you know, you’re out at the bus stop at this time. And we’re going to practice and we’re going to role play and we’re going to talk about it. And we’re going to set everyone up for success. 

And we’re not going to berate people because that doesn’t motivate anyone. If we berate people, if we shame people, if we badger people, if we nag people, all we’re going to get is resistance. We want the people to feel like they have agency. 

So we have a lot of scenarios that have been presented. Okay, Barbara Lynn, I am going to call on you.

[00:24:51] Barbara Lynn: All I’m going to say is first, is if there’s someone with younger kids, go to them first, because I just have one almost 16 year old who has not gotten out of bed ever for school. 

[00:25:06] Randi Rubenstein: Well, I’ll tell you, so I always coach parents of little kids, littles and bigs together. Because we all learn from each other. And even though, even though we think the situations are totally different, they’re not, they’re not. It’s simpler with little kids for sure. Right. It’s simpler. And the problems. Um, it might seem like they’re more, but the, but the meltdowns are explosive and also it’s like, you know, okay, we’ve got a 16 year old, um, starting sophomore year. 

[00:25:45] Barbara Lynn: He’s actually starting junior year. 

[00:25:47] Randi Rubenstein: Okay. Starting junior year. And, um, and he doesn’t want to get out of bed. 

[00:25:53] Barbara Lynn: No. Yeah. Um, the, the plus side to the scenario is. His older brother leaves for college, so it’ll just be him and not getting both him and his brother up and out. So I have hope, but literally like since kindergarten, he would get on the bus. Like I would be going, okay, the bus is, I can hear the bus coming down the street and he would get out of bed. Sometimes changes clothes, sometimes sleeping, what he needed to wear the next day. Grab his bag, run down the driveway, and get on the bus. I mean, and he has been like this forever when it comes to waking up in the morning.

[00:26:46] Randi Rubenstein: And what would happen if you, if it was just up to him and you didn’t give him any reminders and he just had to figure out? 

[00:26:57] Barbara Lynn: He would wake up at nine, he would wake up between nine and nine thirty. 

[00:27:01] Randi Rubenstein: And what time, what time does he need to be on the bus? 

[00:27:04] Barbara Lynn: Well, and now that he’s in high school, he needs to be in school by 7:30.

[00:27:12] Randi Rubenstein: Let me ask though, what would happen if like all of a sudden you just didn’t like, let’s just say you couldn’t, if you couldn’t, let’s say all of a sudden if you just couldn’t and he was just left, do you think he would just like drop out of school? 

[00:27:29] Barbara Lynn: No, he would go to school between 30 every day.

[00:27:33] Randi Rubenstein: How would he get there?

[00:27:34] Barbara Lynn: Either we would drive him, or he would walk. 

[00:27:37] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah, what if he weren’t there? 

[00:27:38] Barbara Lynn: He would walk. Well, and, and where we are now, he would probably walk. But, since COVID, my husband and I both live at home. We both work from home. And we’re now only about a mile from the school. So, he can walk down the street, walk through the woods, and get to the high school.

Or we could drive them. Okay. So, and I’m also at the point where within six months he’ll have his license. So he’ll just take a car. 

[00:28:09] Randi Rubenstein: Okay. So, um, so let’s say if all of a sudden, I don’t, I’m not gonna, I’m not gonna wish anything bad to happen to you and your husband, where y’all don’t have the ability to take them and it’s just became up to him to get himself to school. Tell me, like, like, just, you know, Play that out. What would happen?

[00:28:34] Barbara Lynn: Well, my guess is he would miss a few days because he would realize he woke up too late and be like, especially this time of year, it’s too damn hot. I’m not walking. I could see that. And then he would try and get the bus and then he’d probably start calling friends parents to say, can you pick me up when you drive by the house?

Because your kid didn’t get on the bus. Um, he’d probably eventually make the bus. But it would probably be a really rough transition. 

[00:29:19] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah. 

[00:29:19] Barbara Lynn: Like, I could see it being two months. 

[00:29:24] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah. You think it would take two months? 

[00:29:27] Barbara Lynn: Yeah. I hate to say that, but yeah. Maybe not. Maybe he would totally surprise me. And this is where the, the game changer might really be. His older brother’s not gonna be here. I’m Like his older, his older brother moves into his college dorm the day before school starts. So we had no transition time here. It may, and this is where I don’t know. It may be that he just changes this year and has that developmental milestone and is like, I don’t have to deal with my brother to get into the bathroom in the morning. So now I actually can get up and do what I need to do without fighting with him. 

[00:30:15] Randi Rubenstein: Okay, so let me just present something, and I want you to tell me all the yeah, but 

[00:30:22] Barbara Lynn: okay, I probably have a lot 

[00:30:26] Randi Rubenstein: all the okay, so let’s role play. I’ll be you, and you be him. Okay. And then you, and then you tell me the yeah, but after we do this role play, um, Hey bud, I want to, um, I want to talk about this school year coming up and like what mornings you know, are going to look like and figure it out with you so that we can have smooth mornings and I don’t have to be nagging you and we don’t have to be fighting and like, it’s no way to start a day. So, um, so I want to get our plan together. You game. 

[00:31:05] Barbara Lynn: I got it. You don’t need to be involved. I got it. I’m all set. 

[00:31:08] Randi Rubenstein: Okay. Okay. What’s so, so what’s your plan? Like what time, like you’re going to get up or like, well, tell me what your plan is. 

[00:31:18] Barbara Lynn: I’m going to get up and I’m going to do what I need to do in the morning and I’m going to get out the door and you guys, you can still drive me to school, but it’s, it’s, I’m going to get up all on my own and you’re not going to have to worry about a thing of it.

[00:31:35] Randi Rubenstein: Okay. Well, that sounds awesome. So. Like, so just so I kind of know, what time are you, are you going to be getting up every morning? 

[00:31:46] Barbara Lynn: That I don’t know what his answer would be. I don’t know how he would reply to that. 

[00:31:52] Randi Rubenstein: I mean, Let’s just, let’s just talk this through bud, because I, I, I, I’m, I’m making a commitment that I’m not going to stress anymore in the morning and I’m not going to fight with you anymore because frankly, I’ve learned recently that if I add to your stress in the morning and then you have to go to school and sit in a classroom all day and learn, um, it actually puts you at a deficit for learning. 

Like, like extra stress in the morning that causes all of that, you know, cortisol to rise in your body. It, I’m like sending my kid off to school at a learning deficit. So now that I got that memo, I’m not doing that anymore. Like that’s the opposite of what I want to do. So, um, so no more fighting. So no more fighting. So I really am committed to not fighting it anymore in the morning. 

So just so I can like. Take a breath and, and keep up my commitment. Just let me know what time, if you have to be at school at 7 30. And the bus, bus is there to pick you up at 

[00:32:59] Barbara Lynn: 7:05. 

[00:33:01] Randi Rubenstein: The bus is there at 7:05 and you have to, and you get to school by 7:30 to be out at the bus, to be ready and to be out of the bus. And does he eat at school or does he eat a little breakfast at home or is that not a thing? 

[00:33:13] Barbara Lynn: He’s not a big breakfast eater. 

[00:33:15] Randi Rubenstein: You’re not breakfast. Yeah. We only have four simple things now, so we’ve only got four. Okay. Okay. So. Like, I’m just thinking to be, to be able to be at the bus stop at 7:05, what all needs to happen in the morning for you to be at the bus stop at 7:05.

Like, think it through, bud, because, like, I want you to think about what time you’ll need to set your alarm to wake you up so that you can make sure all your stuff’s packed up and. Some of the stuff you might be able to do the night before so that. Because it’s an early morning. It’s earlier than we’re used to. So I just want, I just want to help set you up for success. Right? 

So, um, so what time do you think you need to get up in the morning? Like, set your alarm for? 

[00:34:03] Barbara Lynn: I’ll shoot for 6:30. Okay. I’ll shoot for 6:30. 

[00:34:09] Randi Rubenstein: And so. So if the, if your alarm goes off at 6:30, do you think you should have like a second alarm or, or maybe put your alarm across the room? Cause it’s going to be hard. Like, I don’t know. What do you think?

[00:34:23] Barbara Lynn: I’ll set a second alarm.

[00:34:25] Randi Rubenstein: Maybe like, I mean, I’ve heard of people like putting it even across the room so it forces them to get out of bed and then they have to do this one so they get out of bed and they can’t overthink it and they just get up. I don’t know what would work for you. It’s hard. 

[00:34:40] Barbara Lynn: 15 minutes later, 15, 20 minutes later after the dog’s going crazy because the alarm’s going off and he’s not getting out of bed to turn off the alarm. That’s when I go in to turn off the alarm, so the alarm across the room doesn’t really work. Okay, but that’s my but, how.

[00:34:57] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah, but this is, it’s not going to be an option for you to go in there. Like your legs are broken. You can’t, you’d have to be like army crawl in there. Literally, like you can’t, it’s not an option. And the dog starts going crazy. So now all of a sudden the dog is going to get an early morning walk and think that it’s his birthday. 

You’re like, I’ve got to get this dog out of the house. Because we’re disrupting this pattern. It’s been here for 16 years. We’ve got a chance for a fresh start. His brother just went away to college. And, and it’s, it’s finally time where I get to, you know, my older son got a chance to be an only child. This is his only child. So I’m going to disrupt this pattern now. 

So, so first and foremost, right. So, so it’s like our own resistance. Well, that’s not going to work. Cause we’ve tried that. And then the dog starts it, you know, it’s to see, it’s like our resistance. They learn how to model their resistance. It’s just resistance all over the place. So now we’re like, Oh no, no, no. I’m in pattern. I’m in new beginnings. It’s a new season. I got one off to college. It’s his chance to be an only child. So we’re problem solving. We’re talking about this on the weekend. It’s very friendly.

He’s like, okay, set one for six 30. I’m going to set one for six 45. And you’re like, okay, so what? So what all has to happen in the morning? Like, is your backpack in your room? Mom, you know, at that point in my life, I’m like, Mom, enough. You’re like, I’m really trying. I am not going to be that mom that adds to your stress in the morning.

Like, I’m learning new things here. So just help me with my anxiety and just let’s figure out the plan. As soon as we figure out the plan, I’m not going to bug you anymore. I’m not going to be coming in your room anymore. And, and, and, and you’re going to get to be responsible for your own stuff. 

And guess what? It might be a little dicey for a bit. I’m expecting that. It’s okay. I, I believe in you. You know what I was thinking about it? Like you’re really resourceful kid. If you miss the bus. Chances are I can imagine you walking to school. I can imagine you going in there and getting that tardy slip. I can imagine you calling friends parents to, like, you are, and, and, and as long as I’m over here doing all the things and letting my anxiety run the show. I’m not letting you grow into the responsible young man that you’re capable of.

 This is how we start to build that agency. And now he’s part of it. And we’re also saying, it’s okay if it doesn’t go smoothly. Right. It hasn’t gone smoothly, frankly, for 16 years.

[00:38:00] Barbara Lynn: Yeah. It’s a great way of putting it. That’s absolutely a fabulous way of putting it. 

[00:38:06] Randi Rubenstein: Okay. Barbara Lynn, you’ve, and it sounds like you’ve been doing a lot on your own since you were seven winning that Monopoly tournament. Um, and changing patterns is hard and we’re all, we all have resistance. So I want you to fill your brain, right? With some new thoughts and some better thoughts. I have a resourceful boy. He’s super capable. Right. And, and, and it’s not going to go smoothly at first. And we’re going to figure this out. And if it takes us two months for me to have a kid that has agency and owns his mornings and feels proud of himself 

[00:38:53] Barbara Lynn: for doing it, 

[00:38:54] Randi Rubenstein: for doing it.

And then the conversation grows into when you’re going off to college in two years, I’m not worried about you a bit. 

[00:39:04] Barbara Lynn: Right, 

[00:39:06] Randi Rubenstein: right. You’re doing it now. You’re prepping. You’re not going to be the kid that sleeps through all your classes because you’ve already been so responsible starting now. Like you’ve got this. I’m not worried. And that becomes the conversation and he’s going to have so much agency. Love it. 

[00:39:26] Barbara Lynn: Thank you. Because it really did. It shifts the whole conversation. And I think the pieces is shifting. My mindset towards it as well, and I knew I needed to, but this, that, like, you nailed it. Thank you. 

[00:39:42] Randi Rubenstein: You’re welcome. You’re welcome. That was fun. Okay. All right. Okay. Here we’ve got, we’ve got Krishna.

[00:39:52] Krishna: Hi, uh, busy household. Two boys, nine and six, a dog, and both of us working. Some days the dog stays at home, some days the dog comes with us to work. Boys are both, uh, ADHD. I am ADHD, and I’m sure my wife is neurodiverse as well. We are all firing in the morning. 

I have been thinking and trying to do a lot of things to enable this. This is super good. I think that, so, I’m trying to get to bedtime early, trying to wake up early. I wake up at 4. 35, and so I get my things done, I get my meds in place, so that I’m calmer, and I’m trying to get everybody out. Uh, and I work with my first son to say, hey, you can leave at 7.

45, work backwards. And he loves doing math and all this stuff, so he’s like, I need 10 minutes to do this, 10 minutes to do this. So he walked back and said, I need 70 minutes to do this. So to, from, from when I get up to when I can get out of the door, I need 70 minutes. The question is, they tend to want to, uh, the boys want to play with each other in the morning.

Okay. They want early time in the bed and all that stuff extra. And towards the end, something is missing in the backpack for me or him, or he forgets his glasses. He doesn’t know where he kept his glasses in the previous day and night. So, no matter how much I try, there is something towards the end. Uh, at least, he’s like, oh, I just want to play.

I want to take my time. He suddenly goes and gets distracted with some Pokemon cards in his room because he wants to take some Pokemon cards to school to exchange. And I’m like, we got to go. Why are you here? It’s like, I thought you’d call me when I work. So the nine and six, how do I make it smoother a little bit more?

[00:42:01] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah. So, um, my hunch is that there’s maybe too much time in the morning. A lot of times it’s like when we ha when we allow a lot of time in the morning, like kids get up super early and then because they want to have so much time to play. It’s like there’s too much. Um, it’s, it’s, it’s almost like they, they, they have, it’s like, if you know, if you have a whole day, if you have a, if you have a whole day and there, you have no meetings scheduled, but, you know, you’re like, oh, good.

I have an open day and I’m going to have a chance to like, work on all these creative projects and I’ve been putting this other thing off. And then before, you know, it. Like, and you didn’t put anything on your calendar and you just kind of left it as an open ended day. And before, you know, at 5 o’clock comes and you’re like, what did I even do today?

I don’t feel like I got anything accomplished. I don’t feel like I got anything accomplished and it’s because we need more structure in the day. Right? And my hunch is that that’s what’s happening in the mornings. We just need to add. More structure in the mornings. So when we talk about the boys having agency over the structure of their mornings, it sounds like they’re very motivated by that play time.

Right. So, so, so I want you, I want you to think about and since we’re doing the role playing. Okay, let’s role play. The conversation this weekend for mapping out the structure and we’ll do it. We’ll just do it with the nine year old right now. We’re going to do it with the boys separately. So let’s talk because it sounds like it’s the nine year old.

That’s 

[00:43:51] Krishna: Yeah, that’s that’s where the problem is. That’s where the 

[00:43:54] Randi Rubenstein: shenanigans and and once the nine year old gets on track, the six year old probably is just, you know, he’s got stars in the eyes for the nine year old. So he’s going to probably get with the get with the protocol. So we’re talking. So We talked to the nine year old this weekend and we were like, Hey, new school year, like, exciting.

All this is exciting. Let’s, let’s talk about how the mornings are going to go so that we can make sure that every single day starts off as smoothly as possible so that you go to school. And you’re ready because you got a busy, you know, you come from a busy brain. Like we got, we’re thinking a lot of thoughts in this family.

We got a lot to do. We’re firing on all cylinders. We’re creative, you know, we’re creative, smart people. We love to learn. These brains are love to learn. So I have to make sure as your dad to send you to school, ready to learn. And if we’re fighting and stressed out looking for this and looking for that, guess what?

That’s what I just learned. I learned. That I send you to school and it takes you two hours, two hours to come back into that beautiful thinking brain where you learn at your highest ability. So now that I’ve learned that. I’m like, Oh, we got to make these mornings stress free. That’s what we’re doing. So we got to come up with our plan for the morning.

And, um, and I know you want to have time to, to do everything that you want to do at home before you leave for the entire day. So let’s talk about what that morning’s going to look like. What time, buddy, you’re looking for school. If we, if we leave, if the car leaves at this time, What time do you think you need to wake up?

And just like I just did with the last mom, I want you to have that conversation where he, what time? And, and, and so, you know, I’ve decided, does he wake up with an alarm clock or do you guys will go wake him up? 

[00:46:03] Krishna: I wake them up. I actually pamper her, pamper them with the massage in the morning to wake up. So it’s on me. So they like the massage a little bit with their growing pains and stuff. So I give them a 10 minute massage to wake up. And then they get up 

[00:46:16] Randi Rubenstein: and it’s special time between you and them. 

[00:46:18] Krishna: Cuddly time, they like it. But the thing is, they start pushing it beyond 10 minutes. When I say done, they don’t like it. And so suddenly it’s like, I should I even cut the whole cuddly time and just be mission driven? But then I, I want to give them a little special time. But then there’s a point where my ADHD kicks in and I’m like, done. Let’s go. 

[00:46:40] Randi Rubenstein: Okay. Perfect. 

[00:46:42] Krishna: After that. 

[00:46:43] Randi Rubenstein: Okay. So we’re gonna, we’re gonna put that cuddly time in after, after they’ve taken care of their business.

[00:46:53] Krishna: Ah, 

[00:46:54] Randi Rubenstein: we’re good. Cause that’s special time between you and them. We’re just going to change the order of it. And that way you also, you can feel probably you can enjoy it more too. Because they will have already taken care of everything, right? So, so when you guys talk about what time they need to wake up, then you’re going to say, and I’ve decided, I mean, this is where I like to add a little playfulness.

What do you think? Like, in less than 10 years, you’re going to be going off to college. You think I should go with you? This is what I used to say to my kids. I mean, we’re pretty small. Like we could both probably fit in one of those dorm room beds. You think I should just go with you to college and shack up with you in your dorm room?

I mean, you think that’d be cool? Or do you think you might, your roommate might think that’s a little weird. Like if your dad’s all shacking up with you in your dorm room and he’s going to be like, dad, you’re gonna say, well, I’ve decided. You’re almost double digits. It’s time buddy for you to wake yourself up with an alarm clock.

I can’t if unless i’m going to college with you, which i’m kind of game college was a really good time I would totally be down to go again, but unless i’m going with you. It’s time for you to start waking yourself up Um, so let’s let’s talk about Let’s talk about what time it makes sense For you to wake up, right?

Let’s talk about when the alarm goes off. Well, then what do you do once the alarm goes off? 

[00:48:29] Krishna: Got it, got it. So, you know, 

[00:48:31] Randi Rubenstein: so, so, so when you say, well then what do you do? And you’re prompting him and he is like, well, I turn the alarm off. You’re like, right. Well, when you turn the alarm off, what do you do? And he’s gonna probably look at you, you’re gonna say, you get up.

What’s the first thing you do? I mean, I know me, the first thing I do, I have to pee after all night. Right? Right. So you go to the bathroom and then what do you do? Do you. Immediately get dressed. You brush your teeth first, you brush your hair. Like what’s your order? What, what makes sense for you? So you’re prompting him back, dad.

You’re prompting him what and how questions, and this is actually something I learned from a negotiating book, what and how questions when you’re having this type of a conversation and you’re figuring out what your system is and your health, you, and you’re, you’re. You’re you want buy in from the other person.

What and how questions prompts the other person to have agency and to own whatever it is they come up with because now they’re solving the problem. Well, I would want it. Well, I don’t want to brush my teeth yet. Oh, no, no. You want to get dressed first. So getting dressed. Okay. So, so how do you figure out what you want to wear?

Do you put your clothes out the night before? Is it stressful to pick out your clothes that morning? I don’t know. You tell me. What would work for you? Do you want to pick your clothes out the night before? Are you doing that in the morning? 

[00:49:56] Krishna: Right. 

[00:49:56] Randi Rubenstein: Right. So you and all these little teeny tiny steps. It’s like the video that we shared with the mom of the three year old. It’s all these teeny tiny steps that most of us as adults, we’re not thinking about. We’ve just been doing it for so long. We don’t think, do I put my shoes on first? Do I put, you know, do I, do I, do I lay my clothes out the night before? We’re not thinking about all those steps because it’s not. Because we have those patterns down, we’ve done them so many times, we don’t even have to think about it.

Kids, they’re learning these, these efficiency skills. They’re learning how to manage themselves. They’re learning how to have agency over their lives. So we have to go over all the little stupid details. And you might have a kid that looks at you and is like, Dad, you’re like I’m telling you all these little details.

These are the things that will add stress to our morning. So I just want to lay it all out together. So, you know, what the plan is. I know what the plan is. And then we can get rocking and rolling because I want to make sure we still have time for our cuddles. Maybe a little wrestling, some massage, you know, playing, remembering Pokemon cards.

Like, I want to make sure we have time for that. We’re just going to start taking care of business first and then we’ll get to enjoy all of our, all of the relaxing fun parts even more because we won’t have the stress of do the thing. We have everything. Pack your stuff. Like we’ve got our system in place.

[00:51:26] Krishna: I like that a lot. I think one thing is nine. One thing I’ll shift is instead of the cuddly time in the morning thing, I’ll say get fully ready. We get 10 to 15 minutes of rustling and physical time before we get in the car. That also helps us get in, get away from this. Go, go more into. You’ve done your job.

You’ve 10 minutes of rustling time and playing time. Let’s get physical. Let’s just rustle around. So shift the relationship into us a little bit of this. Bigger kid relationship, but also make it make him earn it by doing the previous things correctly on time If it doesn’t then he loses the 50 minutes, but that’s also your buffer to fill in Does it make is that a thing?

[00:52:10] Randi Rubenstein: Well, I think I think it’s I I just want you to think about it a little bit instead of Instead of it being like you lose it. You don’t get like well, it’s on growth So we’re going to focus on success and yes He’s not going to have time for the all that, all that. It’s just going to be a natural consequence.

If he’s not ready by that time, he’ll learn. Natural consequences are the best, best teachers can. Cause when he’s like, dad, what about our wrestling time? You’re like leaves at 7 35 and it’s 7 32. We don’t have time. We have time, you know, or whatever it is. Right. 

[00:52:49] Krishna: I see. So instead of me saying, Oh, it’s a consequence and punishment, I’m saying, Oh, we both missed it.

[00:52:56] Randi Rubenstein: Yes. 

[00:52:57] Krishna: We’re not ready. 

[00:52:58] Randi Rubenstein: Yes. 

[00:53:00] Krishna: And maybe, I also feel the pain. Yes. It’s a little bit better tomorrow. 

[00:53:05] Randi Rubenstein: Right. It’s, it’s we, we’re a team. He has agency over this thing. He wants it. You want it. Plus it, you can even now, you know, since there is like, we’re all ADHD, it’s like The most amazing thing for the ADHD brain is Some exercise, some movement, that wrestling, that like, that’s, that’s what setting, you know, that’s going to help set you guys up for success, you know, for you to take the day at work for him to take the day at school is getting that, you know, that physical time.

So that’s something you both look forward to, and it’s going to motivate him to take care of business so that he gets that time. And you want that time too. 

[00:53:45] Krishna: Just two small questions and then I’ll, I know I’ll drop the mic. I’m taking too much time probably. Uh, I, I did this laminated sheets in the morning to say, do these 10 things.

Go to party, wipe your thing, brush your teeth, do the thing, put lotion, put your clothes. I think, while it was novel, he followed it, later he’s like, yeah, I got it. The novelty died and then he doesn’t follow it. Should I continue doing that as a helpful thing for him, but it’s up to him to follow or not.

And the other thing is, do I reward peaceful mornings somehow, with screen time in the evening or something, or just the motivation is good enough. That we’re all calmer going in, you’re learning, should I reward the mornings? 

[00:54:27] Randi Rubenstein: I wouldn’t, you know, I’m, I’m, I don’t like rewards because I think they’re a short term fix and exactly, you know, like, I also think 10 things is a lot of things.

So I think you two go through the things and together simplify the list. And those are his responsibilities and we’re aiming for smoother mornings and, um, and screen time happens later on. And look, if you end up having a kid that is totally defiant, very resistant, um, I do believe in having screen free days when we’re not being responsible in the morning.

Then we don’t get the privilege of the screens later on. And that’s just a thing, but I, but it’s a tricky thing. It’s we don’t ever want to dangle it. We don’t want to threaten with it. We don’t want to use it to bribe, you know, so mostly what I really want you to do is just to work on the agency part.

Getting him to help simplify that list. Him being responsible for his stuff, him looking forward to getting to have some wrestle cuddle time with dad. Um, and, and, and really focusing on this is what our brains, the way we are wired, these beautiful minds are wired. This is what’s going to set us up to take the day. We’re going to have smooth mornings and we’re doing this together. 

[00:55:51] Krishna: Yes. I like really like the what and how separation, because when you write down everything, it looks like 45 things. But if you say these are the five things of the Watt, the how might have more details, but the focus on the Watt, you finish the first Watt, the how over time it becomes muscle memory, so you don’t need to write it down, slowly peel it, so it doesn’t feel like I need to do 45 things. It might just become 250 things with six people in the house. 

[00:56:20] Randi Rubenstein: That’s right. 

[00:56:21] Krishna: Okay, okay. Thank you. 

[00:56:24] Randi Rubenstein: You’re welcome.

Um, okay. I want to read, um, okay. So Amy Barker said, my kid often wants to play with toys or start an art project when we’re already compressed with other activities of getting ready for the school day, like eating or putting clothes on. So Amy, I want you to apply. What I just helped Christian Krishna work through and, um, you know, of course, the kids want to play.

They want to do the fun things. So we just have to remember, right? When we are the, uh. The coach, right? We’re stepping into a coaching role. We’re helping them to have agency and we’re having these conversations ahead of time out of the heat of the moment. We’re setting up our plan. We’re putting our structure in place, but we’re doing it together.

The conversation would go something like this. Hey, I know in the morning before you leave for the day and you, you know, you’re just like trying to get one last play in or one last art project because you love your things and you’re going to be away from them all day. Um, and you really love to be able to do, you know, to play with your toys and your stuff before you leave for the whole day. Am I getting this right? 

So we’re having this conversation, we’re seeing their perspective and, and, and as soon as you hear kids say like, Yeah, that’s right. Then you know you, they’re with you. They’re here. They’re with you. They’re not defensive. You’re like, I get that. So let’s talk about what it would look like where you know that you’re going to have time to get to play with some of your things and we don’t have to be fighting in the morning. You get to just relax and play with those things. Let’s talk about what needs to happen first before it’s time to play with the thing. 

Okay, I want everyone to remember what and how questions when you have these conversations. That’s what builds agency because it prompts your kid to solve their own problem. It lets them know you’re asking them to weigh in. They get to have a say in their life. You’re not saying there’s no time for toys. Because it does sound like there’s some time. 

In my family. We literally woke up at 7 o’clock and left the house at 7 30. There was no time for anything other than taking care of business. Um, we were like, go, go, go, go, go having that constriction and that time really worked with that really worked for us because otherwise. The morning would just get away from us. But if you are early risers, as I know a lot of families are, and you have that extra time, let’s talk about what it looks like.

And it’s just, um, it’s sort of like I was teaching my daughter when she was, she went off to college and she was home her freshman year and she was like procrastinating working on some paper that some final paper that was due. And I saw her just like binge watching, whatever. On the couch. And she just like, couldn’t make herself finish this thing.

And I had a conversation with him and I said, you know what? I was like, If you, if you eat, if you eat the frog first, right? That’s a saying, right? Like if you eat the frog first, if you do the thing, like the worst thing first and you take care of that, then you get to do the thing that you just want to do.

That’s kind of fun. You get to, you get to binge watch the show, but you’re going to relax and enjoy binge watching the show even more because you’re not feeling like there’s this monkey on your back and this thing weighing on you. So just. Remind yourself, you get to do the thing. You’re just going to do the thing after you feel like you’ve earned it because you ate the frog first.

It’s just a little bit of a shift. And she was like, Ooh, I like that. I was like, yeah. So you just say like, I’m going to get to binge watch. I’m just gonna earn it. I’m just gonna get this thing done, and then I get to binge watch. So it’s the kind of, it’s the same thing here. So when we’re talking to our kid, I want you to get to have time to do these things, and I don’t wanna fight anymore in the morning.

Do you like fighting? Right? Does it work for you? Does that, do you enjoy that? And no. You wanna play with that stuff without me? Mm mm mm. So, let’s talk about how we can make that happen, what it looks like, what needs to happen before playtime. You tell me. We wake up at whatever time. See, so we’re going to go through all of the little teeny tiny baby steps to accomplish those five simple things and build agency. Build agency within our kids. 

And that’s how we help our kids to feel that sense of accomplishment. Then they start their day. Owning the day, you know, the way you all felt when you won monopoly, when you made this final soccer goal, when you, you, you, you know, were invited to the Houston ballet, when you, when you accomplished all those things that helped you to feel so proud when we help our kids to have agency over their mornings, they start every single morning feeling responsible and they go to school.

Not at a deficit for learning from all the berating and nagging and the fighting and the, and just the craziness. They go to school with shoulders back, head held high. Look at me. Here I go with all of the feel good hormones that put them like in a primo condition. To learn to the best of their ability. So it’s super cool. 

Um, okay. Uh, I am going to speak to the rest of these scenarios on the podcast. I can’t wait. This was so much fun. It feels like a parenting party. I thank all of you for being here and, um, I see all of your sweet comments. Um, thank you for walking through the possible conversation to create agency rather than struggle. I appreciate it. You’re welcome. That’s what we got. Bye everyone.

Thanks for listening today, guys. I hope you picked up some tips, tools, maybe some baby steps for creating more balance and boundaries in your life. And I just wanted to let you know, if you want to continue moving the needle forward in creating this for yourself, having a happier household, I want you to go to my website and check out mastermindparenting.com. We have three beginning programs, and if you need some accountability and more support then please look for the one that would be a good fit for you.

And, as always, we’re on all the social channels under Mastermind Parenting, on Instagram it’s mastermind_parenting. And, you know, periodically I do pop up on different Instagram lives, Facebook lives where I give you teaching and coaching and I love engaging with you live to help you help your strong-willed kids so that they can feel better, because when they feel better they do better, and I love, love, love getting to know you guys. 

So thanks for listening. If you like this podcast, please don’t forget to subscribe, rate and review. Super, super appreciative.