306: Conscious Bedtime Stories (with Andrew Newman)

[00:00:00] Randi Rubenstein: My name is Randi Rubenstein, and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast. At Mastermind Parenting, we’re on a mission to support strong-willed kids and the families that love them. 

Hi, everyone. I have a very exciting guest this week. I have the amazing Andrew Newman. So thanks for being here, Andrew. we’ve been getting to know each other in the last few months and, I found Andrew during lockdown, really, when everyone was home and, I was still supporting my community and my kids were home.

And I, don’t know, I think it must’ve been through something, you must’ve done something in conjunction with Conscious Discipline at some point. Cause I know

[00:00:50] Andrew Newman: Mm hmm.

[00:00:51] Randi Rubenstein: you do a lot with them and I saw your books and I was like, these are gorgeous books that are talking about all these concepts that really, I incorporate into my work now, but I originally learned about from Conscious Discipline and, or many of which, and so I ordered a handful of your books and then I put my kids to work and gave them some purpose. 

And they were, I was calling them Mastermind Mentors, and they were running story hours. or story time, it wasn’t a whole hour, with some of the kids of the moms of the families in my Mastermind, in my community. And my kids would read their stories and, it would read your stories and sometimes they’d read them together and sometimes they’d read them separately. And then the younger kids could ask them questions or, they just have a conversation about it. 

And I think that your stories really were so helpful during such a hard time. Mm my kids loved reading them and so I wanted to bring you on because as humans, we are wired to learn through story and we have been since the beginning of time. And I think there’s so much anxiety that parents feel, like they need to learn, just give me the script and they need to, they need to study how to be a better parent. 

And, so there’s something about that’s been happening lately where I’m like, let’s get back to the basics and let’s start to use like most people who are listening to parenting podcasts or signing up for parenting programs or buying stories for their kids called Conscious Bedtime Stories, right? 

Let’s just already assume that our listeners are the kind of parents that are reading to their kids daily. So if you’re already reading to your kids daily, what if we took these stories and we use them as a bridge, to refer back to with your kids? And to deepen the conversations, to have more productive conversations where, when you have a kid that’s freaking out and having a meltdown in public, and you can tell they’re totally dysregulated, what if instead of thinking, shit, what am I supposed to say? What am I supposed to do? What strategy? What tip. 

Instead, like referring to the name of one of their favorite characters during a sweet moment that they had with you and all of a sudden it, it helps them to change their state. It helps them to channel some beloved character that they read about and that they have a memory in their body of a sweet time with you.

And like that now becomes a tool that parents have to pull out of their back pocket and to help their kids to become more, we’re not talking about, you seem really dysregulated in this moment, child who’s having a meltdown like, those are adult words,

[00:04:13] Andrew Newman: Yep.

[00:04:14] Randi Rubenstein: Refer to a, character that they love and we can help them to channel that. And you’re my first author, guinea pig, where I want to do this with one of your beautiful stories and to give that to our listeners.

[00:04:31] Andrew Newman: This is beautiful. The characters from all stories are living alive inside of your little ones, right? Big animation studios know this, they’re on our water bottles and our lunchboxes, and, absolutely everywhere we’re singing songs, but this is a, it doesn’t take much to, to, take the superpower from a story and take the healing moment from a story and to, make that character, this resource that you’re, hinting that we can do.

And this is a conversation that I’m so delighted to be part of because we hear from parents like, Oh, kids who, have you got a stuck hug? Now that comes from one story. The hug who got stuck. Have you got it? Are you having a yucky brain moment? We’ve got this little vernacular that starts to come out of a very loving moment in time where there’s actually a healing response built into the story.

Your kids have learned the healing response by reading the story together with you. And, and now’s this moment where as a, as the adult in the room, you get to just make that little directional turn that reminds your little ones of the character that’s in the story and say, Hey, remember what happened when, the hug got stuck? How did it get free? Can we do that now? And you’ve got, all of the tools that are already, mapped out, from, from, one of the evenings when you were just winding down and going to bed. 

[00:06:02] Randi Rubenstein: The thing that’s so interesting is so many of us are approaching. this, there’s a verb parenting that didn’t even used to be a verb. You were just a parent, now we’ve verbed it. And they’re approaching being a great parent from the neck up and trying, and so often I hear, and I’ve been this parent too, where we over talk.

So we’re like, let’s think our way into helping this child. You’re welcome. But the truth of the matter is, we think we’re thinking animals as humans, but we’re really feeling animals. And so I think what you just described is, our kids, they live in their emotional state so much at the time. That’s just human development. 

So by referring back to a story that their body has a memory of remembering this sweet moment. It’s just like your, TEDx talk. why the last 20 minutes of the day matter. And those last 20 minutes of the day, right, when we’re having this rich connection with our kids that maybe is involving some ritual and some snuggles and a little sweet song and story time. 

Your children have body memories. And so when they’re in a moment where they’re not in that same body state, they’re not in the same state that they were during those sweet 20 minutes. Now you’re actually helping them to access that body memory, which is so cool. 

Let me read your, all your fancy bio before we start sharing the story. And then we’re going to break. We’re going to workshop. It’s really exciting, everyone. We’re going to workshop, we’re going to read this story and then we’re going to workshop what it might look like to use a story like the one that Andrew’s going to read to us, later on, and just keep referring back to it with your kids. And so I’m super excited, but let me read his, his fancy bio. 

Andrew Newman is the award winning author and founder of consciousstories.com, a growing series of bedtime stories, purpose stories, purpose built to support parent child connections in the last 20 minutes of the day. Andrew’s TEDx, Why the Last 20 Minutes of The Day Matter, weaves trauma informed awareness and attachment bonding into the wonders of storytelling, outlining the importance of quality connection before sleep for your child’s ability to regulate, rest deeply and awake confident.

He’s a featured expert on Mindvalley’s Little Humans, and Andrew has been an opening speaker for Deepak Chopra, keynote speaker at Dr. Becky Bailey’s Conscious Discipline Conference, which is a huge deal and a huge honor, and author in residence at the Park Community Charter School in Wisconsin. He brings story time to life, inspiring young authors in classroom visits and guides parents with tips to help their kids develop emotional awareness and cognitive skills to thrive. 

So thank you for being here. I know it’s a little cringy to, sit and hear all that, but, but you’ve worked hard and you deserve to be

[00:09:28] Andrew Newman: These are things I’ve done. 

[00:09:29] Randi Rubenstein: Okay. Let’s get to it. Yeah. Let’s go. Let’s get to story time,

[00:09:33] Andrew Newman: Okay. This is a story time for children of all ages. Let’s, let’s say it that way. And I will get the image up on a screen share. But if you’re just listening along, you will get this story.

[00:09:50] Randi Rubenstein: But I highly encourage anyone listening to, we’ll include the link to be able to watch the video as well. I believe we’ll put it all out on YouTube. Because Andrew’s books, it’s amazing to get them in real life because they are such beautiful books. You really did an amazing job finding a super illustrator.

[00:10:14] Andrew Newman: Oh, super.

[00:10:14] Randi Rubenstein: They are beautiful books. They’re like works of art. 

[00:10:17] Andrew Newman: Yeah. So the story we’re going to do is called The Little Brain People. And actually this book, the characters were developed for my Ted talk. We didn’t have a story yet. And then later went back and created the story, which is the first time I’ve done anything, only time I’ve done anything that way. but welcome to story time.

 This book is dedicated to all who think. which may include you. And we like to start each story with a snuggle breathing meditation. So please join me with these four simple breaths. 

First breath is I breathe for me. Nice breath in. I breathe for me.

I breathe for you.

I breathe for us

And I breathe for all that surrounds us.

Gosh, I needed that. I feel my whole system relaxing. And my encouragement is every story, every, time. Even if it’s not one of my books. 

Welcome to Storytime. 

Once upon a time, on a very ordinary day, deep in the center of a very ordinary brain, a scary thing happened.

Deep in the center of this brain lived the little brain people. Give them a wave. Hello, little brain people.

Dopamine was very good at solving puzzling problems and making challenging choices. His twin sister, Serotonin, was best at growing feelings of love, joy, and happiness. 

On most days, you could see the twins happily relaxing in the front of the brain, but not on this day. On this day, there was a problem. Uh oh. 

A loud clattering bang gave Serotonin and dopamine a fright. A very big fright. 

Ah! Yelled Serotonin, curling up in a ball, whimpering. The world is falling on our heads, shouted Dopamine, running to hit the panic button.

Cousin Adrenaline jumped into action, bursting from his security watchtower, barking instructions. Danger. It’s not safe. It’s not safe. It’s not safe.

The echoing screams of frightened little brain people filled all the pathways with worry and fear. As everyone braced for lockdown. In the cloud of chaos, Serotonin and Dopamine collided and started fighting for no good reason.

Totally overwhelmed, the whole brain just froze.

Luckily, Auntie Oxytocin had missed all the drama. She’d been sitting on the potty. Whoa, what happened here? She said, her teeth chattering. She paused, breathing calmly, wondering how to help her panicked frozen friends. 

They must be having a yucky brain moment, said Oxytocin. I know what to do. She walked to the front of the brain and gently touched the all clear reset button.

Beautiful music played as Oxytocin’s calming voice flowed through all the frozen pathways. 

You are safe. You are safe. You are safe. 

Ah, sighed Serotonin and Dopamine, taking deep breaths whilst wiggling their fingers and toes. Can we all wiggle our fingers and toes? 

Oh, huffed Adrenaline. As he sulked back to the watchtower knowing that his job was done. 

The twins chatted happily as they returned to the front of the brain. That was scary, said Serotonin. I’m sorry I got mad at you. I felt happy again.

I’m sorry too, replied Dopamine. That was confusing for me. I’m glad I can think clearly now.

That night, the twins snuggled together with their family of little brain people, grateful to be feeling safe and loved once again. They all got the best night’s sleep ever. 

The end. 

I will jump into the activity page. So each of the conscious bedtime stories has a little activity page at the end. And this one has a brain balance barometer, which is to help us calm and reset. And if you have a look. On the dial on the right hand side, you see there’s three areas, different colors, safe and loved is in green. A yucky brain moment is in red and then the restoring calm is in purple. 

And this is the cycle that we know the brain is going to go through time and time and time and time again. We’ll be having a good moment. We’ll be calm. We’ll be safe. We’ll be happy. Something will happen like the fright that happened in the story that’ll set off the frightened, the fighting, the frozen, safety system responses. And then we have an opportunity to restore calm, sighing, breathing and relaxing. 

And here we have options. How do we press the all clear reset button, which is right in the middle. We get to sigh loudly, we get to breathe into your belly, get to stretch and relax, play calming music, yawn and snuggle, and a reminder saying you’re safe and you’re safe.

And these things will all help the system transition from, that kind of uptight state of the yucky brain moment into a more settled state again.

[00:16:48] Randi Rubenstein: I love it. Thank you for sharing that. And, let’s talk about, you read this story. You’ve read it a few times with your kids. And I don’t know, I keep thinking of it just always seems like it happens in public, right? 

You’re at Target and your kid is just, or even I had a mom share a story the other day. I’ll share this. She was picking her kids up from school and she was, she, she’s got a second grader and a kindergartner and she was, she had picked up her kindergartner first and now she was picking up the second grader. And the second grade teacher says to the kindergarten child, Oh, how was your day?

And the kindergarten child says, none of your business. And 

[00:17:59] Andrew Newman: And the mom says,

[00:18:00] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah, and so mom said, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do with this rudeness. And, I coached her through it and really where we got to is that her little kindergartner, she quite often has been having like, she’s just, it’s taking her a long time acclimating and transitioning to this long day and she’s done by the end of the day. Her little nervous system is shot. So she very quickly goes into the yucky brain, area of the dial and adrenaline takes over, and says none of your business. 

It’s because she’s used to having, she has a people pleasing mom who is there at the school. And she’s the kind of mom who gets to know the teachers and make some FaceTime and they have a little friendly relationship. And this little five year old is let’s go. I’ve been taking it all in all day. I don’t have time for adult conversations. I don’t want to be asked any questions. I don’t, I need to get The hell out of here. So that’s what we know is going on with the five year old and this mom, she knows that, but she’s but also I also need to teach her like not to be rude to people, So there is some basic civility, right? 

And so we, so we really unpacked it and talked about how to talk about it out of the moment, but let’s just say you were in that moment. You’re now you’ve got a kid that is none of your business. Up. Looks like we might be having a yucky brain moment. Okay. Lovely to see you. Thank you so much for taking such good care of brother. Gotta go. And she might just soften that super awkward moment with the other adult by referring to the yucky brain moment. And as they walk away. She could say you’re safe. You’re safe. You’re safe.

[00:20:14] Andrew Newman: That’s a little, there’s some fighting language in that energetic, right? There’s it’s a defense that’s coming in. is it a healthy boundary in some ways? Yes. Is it skillfully delivered? Not so much yet. 

I’d be like, if we’re in our center, we’re just like, wow, you think what a great boundary you just offered. So now we’re affirming and, recognizing, but when we wanted to help their nervous system move from the, aggressiveness of the fight and the defensiveness into the space where it’s actually, it’s totally fine for you to say no. And you don’t want to share how your day was here are some other options as to how you might say that.

And we actually have to give them the words because they don’t have the, they don’t have the language because if she had the language, you would have used different words, right? Those were the words you had. And so often I love this, aspect of conscious discipline, which is about practice, which is you could say. I’m tired and I don’t feel like sharing today. Could we practice that now? And then we have that little exchange and there’s a little parroting that goes on, but it installs the software of those words.

To tie it into this story, we have to have done a little bit of work at story time before. So it’s wonderful. You can just read the story like we did now and not talk about it. You can also read the story about it. You can come in and go, do you recognize in a moment when you had a, a fight or a freeze or when I did mom, dad, cause I also, this happens to me as well.

What we’re doing is we’re normalizing that our brain does this. And we’re not, we’re taking the shame out of it because once there’s shame led in and once there’s guilt led in, then the whole process just becomes far more complicated to try and get your way through it. We’re just like, Oh, that’s it. I had a yucky brain moment.

It’s okay, I have them too. You have them. We all have them. That’s great. Let’s see how long did that one last? That one lasted like all afternoon. I’m like, that was hard. Wasn’t it? Yeah, that was really hard. wouldn’t it be nicer if yucky brain moment could just like last, be a little bit shorter. Yes. how could we do that? 

Now we’re starting to install those practices and the kids are starting to learn the answer to this, to, to the. The situation themselves, but we’re in advance. We’re in the story time. We’re not in the yucky brain moment. We’re cuddling. Everything’s going great, but it’s reflective. and that’s when the front brain is online. That’s when the, the executive functions are available. curiosity is there. We, we’re, able and then later.

[00:23:03] Randi Rubenstein: Out of the moment, because that’s the thing is that When she’s in the moment of none of your business What she’s telling you in that moment is that adrenaline has come out of his little guard booth and he’s, protecting.

She’s not in her thinking brain. She’s not in her frontal lobe in that moment. She’s going into survival. And so I think the mistake that so many of us make is we want to admonish the kid in that moment or we want to walk away and immediately start teaching them how they could have done it better, how they could have said it better. 

It’s read the room. You’ve got a, You’ve got a dysregulated human. They can’t take any of it in. All they’re going to do is double down in yucky brainness and it’s going to get uglier.

[00:24:03] Andrew Newman: And we’re like flock animals, right? You never see one bird take off. The entire flock goes at the same time. So if your kid’s brain has done the jump from executive into survival, and they’re like, like porcupining, so has your brain.

[00:24:19] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah,

[00:24:20] Andrew Newman: And this is the catch. So when you’ve tried to like, try and regulate, try and teach in that moment, there’s nobody home to do the teaching. there’s no space internally in the child for the teaching to land. Presence and patience is, is really our go to. 

And this is the wish well that Dr. Becky Bailey would bring into that pause, breathe, wish them well. So that you’re in the act of doing that, your adult nervous system comes back into its center. And most of these things are far less serious than we make them out to be, and can be quite a lot more amusing if we open to it. Yeah. 

[00:25:01] Randi Rubenstein: Luckily this mom is like, we were laughing about it when I was coached, she wasn’t freaking out. She was like, so this happened. And of course I started cracking up and I’m like, I love five year olds. They’re so truthful. 

[00:25:16] Andrew Newman: yeah. 

[00:25:18] Randi Rubenstein: Out of the moment, we also picked it apart so that she could look at it differently. But I think it would be really helpful because now that she’s seeing it differently, what I had said to her was when you go back in to have that productive conversation. Ask her, does it feel like when you’re just, you’ve had a whole long day at school and you’re ready to get home, does it feel like sometimes I’m making a lot of chit chat with other adults? And 

[00:25:47] Andrew Newman: Hmm. 

[00:25:47] Randi Rubenstein: There’s a lot of waiting, when you really just are ready to get going, does it feel like that’s happening, And she’s I do think that I do that a lot. She goes, and that’s the people pleaser in me. 

And I said, good to know, right? Like you’ve got a little five year old who’s, it’s it’s almost like if you think of like when you really have to pee super bad and if someone was just like lollygagging and you’re like, Let’s go. I gotta pee. Like my body is telling me that I need to get to a bathroom quickly. A little five year old is saying my body is telling me I need to get to a space that I can relax and I don’t have to be on and I can move all this stimulation from the day out and like I got to get home. And so that, she’s listening to her body. But when we talk about these things out of the moment, I think it’s, then we have a plan for the next time. And so I think it’s super helpful. 

I said, when you plan and it was the, like to how Dr. Bailey teaches the let’s practice. I was like, when you plan, it’s, so what are we going to do when I accidentally forget and I’m not reading your cues and I’m talking a little too much and you really just need to go? Can we have a secret code where you give me a double squeeze on my hand, just to remind me and we’ll have our plan in place. Like you plan for that and then you practice it so that you have a plan moving forward. 

But I think incorporating a story into that productive conversation, which is sometimes, remember how Oxytocin came and there was the hug. And then there was just the, you’re safe. So sometimes it might just be no words. I’m going to channel my inner Oxytocin. And I might come, and put my hands on you and maybe just whisper, you’re safe. And then that’ll remind us to sniff in the flowers and blow out the birthday candles very slowly. And maybe that’s our plan too. How would that sound to you? Do you think that would be helpful? 

And so then you, let’s practice it now. It’ll be fun. Let’s practice. Let’s practice. Cause sometimes I might hug too tight. I want to hug you in a way that feels, calming to your body. So we’re using this book now as this way, we have a reference point. We’re talking about, we’re talking about the characters. We’re talking about dopamine. We’re talking about serotonin. We’re talking about oxytocin. Your kid doesn’t need to know that they represent hormones in your body, necessarily, if there are four, but all of a sudden when they’re eight, they might be like, I didn’t realize these characters, they’re the name, right? They’ll

[00:29:06] Andrew Newman: He snuck them in. They’re actually a thing.

[00:29:10] Randi Rubenstein: They’re a real thing. I thought they were just the names of some of my favorite characters.

[00:29:14] Andrew Newman: Yeah. That I couldn’t pronounce properly when I was four. Yeah. firstly, when you went through that, my nervous system slowed. So you’re, this, that says to me, yes, this is the direction.

One of the things that happens from a brain’s perspective is when we’re, having a great day, there’s a part of us that knows it’s not going to last, like something we’re going to, this peak moment. But when we’re having a lousy moment, like we think it’s going to last forever. This is a permanent thing. I’m now stuck in this hole. 

So this is what some of the messaging that is that we can use going back to the story here. it’s, it’s okay. You’re, oxytocin is going to come back, right? Adrenaline is going to go back to his shelter. I’m going to be able to create some calm and some safety with you. Let’s do it together. 

And, just to have that glimpse of this is a sequence, right? It’s a sequence that happens that we’re actually following it. The sequence has not been broken because this is a difficult moment. it’ll come through again. Now

[00:30:25] Randi Rubenstein: pass. Yeah.

[00:30:26] Andrew Newman: this. Yeah, exactly. We get to hold the belief of that. And when we hold the belief of that for ourselves, we remind that we’re actually holding it systemically in a way that the neurotransmitters of their little ones are able to borrow. They’re going, Oh, that’s right. And the story’s done that this is a, there’s a healing response in story to a difficult moment.

That’s my background. My background is in, in healing on the personal development side and helping adults is where it started, go through these moments. Because we’re still having these moments because our system hasn’t yet learned how to flow with them. If we haven’t had the, the attachment frankly, and the regulation that you’re modeling for the parents in this community that we say that productive conversation. 

I have no memory of a productive conversation in my childhood. there is no one ever coming to sit down on the side of the bed with me saying, wow, that got hard. Let’s have a look at how we could do this a different way. And there’s an immense cost in that for me, If there’s any advantage, it’s that when I learned it as an adult, I could then map it and teach it like we’re doing, but as a kid, this was, this is I’m the feral child running around dysregulated because there is no transcript. biofeedback, there’s no relational connections, no attachment coming in that, supersedes the moment of challenge that I was facing.

And so when you can do this as a parent, that’s why I say in my TED talk, like you’re enough, like you in the last 20 minutes of the day doing this little snuggle, doing this connection, that’s everything because the, injuries that we face in our, from a developmentalist perspective are always flavored with separation. There are always a moment of there’s a gap that opens up between you and me. Even in this playful little example of no, I don’t want, I don’t want I’m not telling you about my day. There’s this little bit of, Oh, push it open. And the system softens when we come back into connection. 

And so if we can do the breathing and again, what I’m hearing in, in, in the, situation that we’ve looked at, which is, it’s a transition. This is when friction comes in is one of is the transitional moment. The after school moment is a major transitional moment. We’re going from one place, one location, one series of activities, one series of rules, one, and now we’re changing into another one. in the same way that going from awake to asleep is a transitional area that we focus the, books in, yeah. Lots of generous space is, is very helpful in that. 

and I’d be very curious to hear from parents who choose to maybe try the snuggle breathing meditation in the car as a transition aid, whilst you’re doing one of those, one of those big end of school transitions, or what have you created? This is what I’ve created, but or ask your kids to create it. Which we see when I’m in, in, school visits and I get the kids to write stories and then I get them to create their own breathing practices. Maybe they get ownership of that transition. So it isn’t always about, so how was your day?

[00:33:54] Randi Rubenstein: It’s like the one minute, even if it’s like the one minute meditation moment. There’s a lot of evidence that ritual helps kids to feel, helps humans to feel safe. Like it just provides some certainty. And so if you have a ritual, as soon as everyone gets in the car. That is just a way that we honor the day that we had, and now we’re just taking a moment to come back together. 

And especially with little kids. Older kids, when you start to do this with tweens and teens, there, there’s a lot of eye rolling and who are you and what happened to my parent? Which seems to activate, everyone’s, I look really stupid trigger, right? Now all of a sudden you feel judged by, it’s like your tweens and teens just became the cool kids and you’re like the dork in middle school. And so that seems to get activated. 

And I like to tell parents, I’m like, yeah, in your mind, you’re just saying, I’m not running for homecoming queen. It’s going to be fine. Like your kids are going to roll their eyes and, it’s fine. It’s fine. It’s fine. You’re just their mom, like own, own the dorkiness. 

But I think it’s much easier with younger kids because younger kids, they. They love it. They love when we all of a sudden have a little, ritual that they can count on. And it’s a, let’s do our snuggle, we’re going to have a one, one minute snuggle breathing. When we get into the car, there are no words and it’s a way for us to come back together as a family. And to have a great rest of the day. 

And so this is something that we’re going to start to practice and we’re going to start to do. And, it’s just going to help us have that reset, right? Just like in, just like with the brain people, right? this is how we’re going to do the reset. Cause we’re going to do our one minute snuggle breath. 

I find it helpful just to have, I am the person who comes up, I like to have catchy little sayings that you can just refer to. Because then you just refer to that thing. The other thing that I would, if I was reading this book to my kids, I know I would lob onto was the, brain freeze. I think many of us are familiar with the brain freeze when you eat something cold.

[00:36:34] Andrew Newman: Yes.

[00:36:34] Randi Rubenstein: What about when something scary happens? It’s almost like you have an experience as if you had eaten something cold. And when you just get frozen and you don’t know what to do.

[00:36:50] Andrew Newman: Yes.

[00:36:50] Randi Rubenstein: Right? That brain freeze just means that your, system is act asking, where’s the oxytocin? I need a little reset. who’s my oxytocin in this moment, right?

[00:37:06] Andrew Newman: Yeah. And every kid I read this to doesn’t matter the age, they know what brain freeze is.

And, then, so also there’s, so there’s little games. It’s okay, let’s all do brain freeze now. And then how, do we get out of it? Because immediately you, you can, reference that the moment you play that game, you stop breathing. You cannot freeze and breathe. It doesn’t work. 

And then we’re frozen and then it’s okay, let’s breathe our way through it. And then you can, then if you’ve got a class that we’ve got half the class freezing and half the class breathing for the others, then you become, you’re activating the care instinct and the wish instinct in kids for each other, which is, which is a lot of fun.

There’s so many, there’s so many places here, right? It’s this is, we’re touching one story. Different story, The Boy Who Searched for Silence, right? He finds it inside himself. So now we, even the simple mention of that, if you’ve read the story will reconnect. Oh, that’s right. There’s a, there isn’t the, I can go to this place inside of myself. I can, be calm. 

The Home for Sensitive Butterflies. she’s, just a delight, but she gets lost when she’s out exploring. Because she doesn’t quite come down to, to put her feet on the ground and her remedy is to lie on the grass and put her wings out and pretend that the sun is bathing on her.

And so we’ve got all of these little mechanisms that are, we’ve got to just pull the tool out the toolbox and try something.

[00:38:40] Randi Rubenstein: That’s right. And this is why I think it’s just so brilliant because I, so often parents struggle with playing with their kids but this counts, this is playful. This is actually effective teaching, like any real teacher knows, like whether you’re a formal teacher in a classroom, or if you’re a teacher more maybe the way I’m a teacher or you’re a teacher, Andrew, like many of us are in that teaching role.

But I think quite often with our kids, we are in that teaching role. It’s know your audience, right? Kids are playful. And when we start to, to, talk about these stories and to talk, are they talking, if everybody says like, how do you actually get your kids to talk about their day? Saying, so how was your day typically doesn’t get, especially kids that are highly sensitive to talk about their day. 

But all of a sudden, like having those rituals in where you recenter, you set the reset button and everybody’s calm. And then maybe the parent, then maybe listen to a little music which changes people’s states. There’s been some space to actually do it. There’s not the anxiety of the parent wanting to know that my kid didn’t sit alone at lunch and that they have a friend and then I’m, my kid’s not isolated and miserable and there’s so much anxiety. 

So it’s like us having some of these practices and then we start to find ourself maybe if nobody’s talking saying, Oh my gosh, the funniest thing happened to me today. We tell them a little story. And then they share, gosh, so and so was so annoying today or miss so and so was so mean she was in the worst. What happened? Tell me more. 

And then they tell us and they’re like, wow, it sounds like she needed someone to set the reset button. They, when she was acting like that, did that put you into a brain freeze? How did you handle that? Now all of a sudden, what a rich conversation and, how to truly know about what your kid was going through, during their day. 

[00:41:02] Andrew Newman: One of the, nuances of story time is that you’re trying to put your kid to sleep and you probably want to do it quite quickly, but that’s a moment when they will open up and start talking.

[00:41:13] Randi Rubenstein: That’s right.

[00:41:14] Andrew Newman: and there’s a reason for that. And the reason for that is that it is part of the posture that we take during it, because, often when we’re, in the parenting posture, we have rank over them. It’s a front to front position. We might tell them things they have to do. When we go into story time and we turn and we shoulder to shoulder, now we, now the book is here, we go on the adventure together. And what that does is it shifts the energetic a little bit in a way that, that creates some space for these, stories. 

Now you can do this, baking muffins or cookies. You can do this, if it was a long drive, not another afterschool pickup, but if you’re going on a long drive, then you’ll find that things start to, to open up for conversation because of that side by side posture. So just look for moments where you’ve got that as a, as an option. 

When you were talking about music there, I thought wouldn’t it be cool if it was like the getting in the car has a song choice moment. Like maybe you’ve got three songs that you like. One is wild, outrageous party. One is super calm and, one somewhere in the middle. And the little one comes in the car and it’s what’s, the song right now? And everybody gets to share. 

Now, now you’re talking about something, it may not be that everybody wants the same song. You have to navigate that. But, and maybe that’s an agreement that where you learn, oh, we actually always take care of the gentlest nervous system. It’s lovely to hear what you want, but today we’re going to play this one. And tomorrow we’ll get to be outrageously loud. 

But it’s like now again, we’ve got choice and it becomes maybe that’s your ritual that comes in, at the, at bedtime, you, there’s only certain things you can affect. You can affect the lighting, you can affect the, the sound you’ve got some control over the timing of that transition. you don’t want to like watch the sugar levels. Don’t miss the gap, get the transition started at the right time. 

And then the major one you get to control is yourself, and how you’re centered and settled. I’m, on a program at the moment called the inner MBA and it’s, run by, by Sounds True and Wisdom 2. 0. And, Tammy Simon, who’s CEO of the Sounds True Publishing said she wanted to make the difference, between being present and bringing presence.

And I thought it was such a good thing. Cause it’s like, be presence. Be present. I’m like, Oh, I’m, I can track my breath. I can feel this. I know that, but it doesn’t pop out. It’s like when I am presence, when I am loving presence, and I sit in that it’s a transmission. And it’s a, it’s a gift to me to be in it and it is a regulating force around me.

And so it’s not just being present to what your kid’s doing in the backseat of the car, but being that loving presence from the front seat of the car that will, really fill the entire bubble of, your, shared space, in a way that, is beautifully nourishing and calming and can help you feel less attached to the personal stuff that might be spiking up and down.

[00:44:39] Randi Rubenstein: Cause you can be present and be. Feel really anxious. And so you’re just bringing that anxious to this present moment. But if you’re embodying loving presence, that’s a much more generous space to be in and, the, other people surrounding you, they feel that. And so then they’re, we are pack animals. We’re going to co regulate with each other. So when you’re embodying loving presence, then the people in your presence, they feel that and they download it and, and yeah, that’s beautiful. I love that.

[00:45:19] Andrew Newman: Yeah, so every story it says, isn’t, mine happened to be, have this niche of the breathing and the activity page at the end, but coming back to that human nature aspect, that story is what we do. We will sit around the campfire and we’ll regale of our adventures. And bedtimes, for as long as I’ve ever known of, it’s had story in it in some way. Where you started us off here, Randi was to say how powerful this is, how simple it is. Also it’s not another thing you have to do as a parent. You’re doing it anyway. so let’s just, get the most out of it.

[00:46:00] Randi Rubenstein: I agree. I think it’s let’s get the most out of it and everyone can let themselves off the hook. I don’t like to play with my kids. When you’re talking about their day and you’re incorporating stories, when you’re having some ritual and you’re listening to music together and you’re, sharing a moment, that counts as play. That is playful. When you’re bringing playfulness as you embody presence, right? 

That, it’s like everybody can let themselves off the hook that you don’t want to sit and play Barbies or Legos with your kid. Frankly, they’re fully capable of doing that without you. This playfulness is is actually, I think just what they need, what they want, what they crave, and this helps them to ultimately feel emotionally safe when we tap in and channel this. So I love that.

[00:47:01] Andrew Newman: And if you’re the, if you’re the parent who starts riffing and creating your own stories, you will already know that your kids prefer your on the spot made up stories to the ones that are in books that like, I love that dynamic piece. 

I was very fortunate as a kindergartner, one of the dads who drove the, school lift club used to read up on Homer’s odyssey the night before, and he would regale us on the drive with, stories of the battle of Troy and, or the sirens or, these big mythological tales that were, in some way, totally out of our grasp and in other ways, just jaw droppingly exciting whilst we’re sitting in traffic in the back of a cold car.

 I have a great admiration and appreciation for Mac. Mac was his name who, who did that for us because he, sparked in me in many ways, this love of story and the recognition that we can do story and particularly storytelling, anywhere. Anytime. We’re, built that way. We like when you’re asking, Hey, how was your day? In a certain way, you’re, inviting a story. but it might be the time to share a story. You’ll never guess what happened in Walmart today. When I was in aisle 32, that’s the one with the camping. Now we’re off, Right.

And everybody’s leaning in Oh my goodness. What happened in Walmart? Out there too. We’re creating connection and we’re creating rapport, and we’re just enriching our time together.

[00:48:42] Randi Rubenstein: I love that. I know I had a mom years ago. She had a child, as an older mom and. She had a single child, and she said, we sit around the dinner table and her daughter at the time was in about eighth grade and no one talks, nobody shares anything. And I feel like I’m interrogating, but it’s like pulling teeth to get anyone, my husband, he’s not a talker and she, my daughter’s just a shut down.

And I said, we’re going to change this up. I said, do you ever tell stories about your day? And she said, no, I mean she had this big career and then she had this late in life baby and then she had become a stay at home mom. She’s nothing is exciting about my day. And I said, I promise you, there’s a lot of exciting, fun things happening in your day. I want you to start looking for the one moment that, and it’s just going to be a little moment and that’s what you’re going to share around the dinner table. Without any expectation of anyone else, you’re just going to share about a moment in your day and watch what happens. 

Within I think it took about a week. She said first they were looking at me like, like I, she goes, I felt a little stupid. You know?

[00:50:15] Andrew Newman: That happens.

[00:50:16] Randi Rubenstein: Like they were looking at me, like, why are you telling us this? And after a week, they both started talking about moments from their days too. And it became a family conversation around the dinner table. And that’s all she wanted. but she got the ball rolling. 

[00:50:36] Andrew Newman: That, I love how you supported her with it. That, I can use that. I like to talk around the table, but I can still, I can use that. I’d be like, let me just share something.

[00:50:48] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah, and it’s quite often, it’s not anything big. It’s like what happened. I’m on aisle 38 in Walmart. 

[00:50:56] Andrew Newman: And then you back out and you give space and you just wait to see what happens.

[00:51:00] Randi Rubenstein: That’s right.

[00:51:01] Andrew Newman: Cause somebody will fill that space.

[00:51:04] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah, it becomes like real life Mad Libs. Before you know it, it turns into the, did y’all have Mad Libs growing up? It’s

[00:51:14] Andrew Newman: I don’t know that. No.

[00:51:16] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah, it’s like a little pad of paper and it’s basically it’s like improv, the, it starts off and there’s blanks and, the story kind of unfolds and kids just played it with each other or families played it.

And it just, all of a sudden, everybody would fill in like a word. It’d be like asking for a noun or asking for a verb, and then you’d read it and it became some ridiculous story. So it’s if you go to an improv show and, but that’s what it becomes. You sell, you, you share a little moment from your day that you think is not anything worthy of sharing. And before you know it, somebody else adds something to it and then it becomes a conversation and real connection comes from that. Everybody’s contributing to this conversation, and it’s beautiful. 

This of course turned out to be, I knew it would be with you. I knew we would have, a great inaugural, whatever this turns out to be. I feel like I’m going to do this more and more on the podcast. so this was the inaugural episode. So thank you for being my Guinea pig and didn’t disappoint. 

[00:52:29] Andrew Newman: We got stories to do. I’ll come back anytime and we can dive in on another story and I’ll be listening along as you get your other favorite authors into the space, because this is important. This is, anything that lets parenting become a playful, light, skillful, journey.

And, really any, of your parents is for me, anyone who’s still here with us, we’d be chatting for a bit and has listened to this and has stayed the course. I’m like, I want you guys to know that you’re doing great. 

[00:53:02] Randi Rubenstein: That’s right. 

[00:53:02] Andrew Newman: Like you are doing great. You chose to put some time and effort in just to listen to something thinking you might pick up a little something now, you’ll go home and you’ll try it.

You’ll try out one of the things we’ve been chatting about. That’s it, that’s the parenting verb right there that you were talking about. That’s all you have to do. And bring your loving heart to your little ones that I know you already do. And everything’s working out just as it should.

[00:53:30] Randi Rubenstein: I love that. I love that ad. And everyone. We’ll put in the show notes all the ways that you can get in touch, learn more about Andrew. And, also check out all, how many books do you have now? 20.

[00:53:46] Andrew Newman: Book number 24 comes out, it’s just arrived. I saw it on the screen for the first time yesterday. It’s called The Missing Angels. Helping with grief and loss.

[00:53:58] Randi Rubenstein: So important, conscious www. consciousstories.com and we’ll, put all the links in the show notes. So thank you so much for being here. Thank you everyone for listening and until next time, bye for now.

[00:54:15] Andrew Newman: Aloha.

[00:54:15] Randi Rubenstein: Thanks for listening today, guys. I hope you picked up some tips, tools, maybe some baby steps for creating more balance and boundaries in your life. And I just wanted to let you know, if you want to continue moving the needle forward in creating this for yourself, having a happier household, I want you to go to my website and check out mastermindparenting.com. We have three beginning programs, and if you need some accountability and more support then please look for the one that would be a good fit for you.

And, as always, we’re on all the social channels under Mastermind Parenting, on Instagram it’s mastermind_parenting. And, you know, periodically I do pop up on different Instagram lives, Facebook lives where I give you teaching and coaching and I love engaging with you live to help you help your strong-willed kids so that they can feel better, because when they feel better they do better, and I love, love, love getting to know you guys. 

So thanks for listening. If you like this podcast, please don’t forget to subscribe, rate and review. Super, appreciative.