308: Mastermind Parenting Masterclass (with Avery Rubenstein)

[00:00:00] Randi Rubenstein: My name is Randi Rubenstein, and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast. At Mastermind Parenting, we’re on a mission to support strong-willed kids and the families that love them. 

Hi everyone, welcome to this week’s episode. I have a very, very special treat. Somebody recently was saying that you have never been on the podcast. Both

[00:00:23] Avery Rubenstein: I haven’t?

[00:00:23] Randi Rubenstein: On, I don’t think so. I think you’ve just been on coaching calls, but never on the podcast. So if you’re watching, you will see my daughter, the amazing Avery Rubinstein.

And if you’re listening, here she is. My daughter, my one and only, Avery favorite daughter Rubenstein as her contact on my phone reads, which she inputted herself many years ago, um, is here with us today. So welcome to the podcast.

[00:00:54] Avery Rubenstein: Thanks, mom.

[00:00:55] Randi Rubenstein: You’re welcome. Do you remember when you inputted Avery favorite daughter Rubenstein?

[00:01:00] Avery Rubenstein: I remember when I inputted it and then Alex saw it and or Corey saw it first and put Corey favorite son and then Alec put Alec favorite child.

[00:01:13] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah, because every time, well, it was, I don’t even know if Corey had a phone yet, but I don’t think Corey had a phone yet because I think it was that many years ago. And every time I’d be driving Corey, and then you would call, it would announce, Avery, favorite daughter, Rubenstein. And he was like, that’s so annoying. And so, so then when he inputted his contact, it was Corey, my absolute favorite child, Rubenstein.

[00:01:40] Avery Rubenstein: That’s what it was. Yeah.

[00:01:43] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah, Cory Maya. So Avery is here this week. Avery is 23 she graduated Last June from college. She’s officially grown and flown and I’m here to say I I sort of feel like we’re connected at the hip even though we live in two different places More than ever right now.

I don’t know.

[00:02:08] Avery Rubenstein: Mm-Hmm.

[00:02:09] Randi Rubenstein: I said that earlier today? I was like, yeah I don’t know about all of this like when your kids grow up because sort of seems like I’ve Interacted with Avery over the last couple of weeks 90 percent more than any other person.

[00:02:21] Avery Rubenstein: Yeah. I feel like even when I went to college, like my, my default person that I would call every time I biked to class was you, which is like, I feel like, yeah. More than our communication when I lived at home.

[00:02:35] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah. Cause whenever you were bored, you knew who’s the one, it wasn’t that you,

[00:02:39] Avery Rubenstein: Yeah. You would always answer

[00:02:42] Randi Rubenstein: who’s the one person that would be so excited about my

[00:02:44] Avery Rubenstein: and then I, yeah, and then I figured out I can call you at 11 o’clock on Tuesdays. I had to adjust my schedule, but it was fine. ’cause I knew that you would always pick up and you couldn’t complain when I talked about the mundane things that were happening.

[00:02:59] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah. You can’t call during my coaching calls. Um, but other than that, I’m picking up.

[00:03:06] Avery Rubenstein: Mm-Hmm.

[00:03:06] Randi Rubenstein: So I wanted Avery to come on because for those of, for, for people who work with me privately or. Or are in my mastermind, they know many, many Avery stories, um, and many, I don’t know, what is it called? Are you first generation mastermind?

If you’ve been raised with this, is it, is that what it’s

[00:03:27] Avery Rubenstein: Yeah. I’m, I feel like I’m first generation once removed. ’cause the recipe was still being perfected. Mm-Hmm.

[00:03:32] Randi Rubenstein: That’s true. I like it. I like it. Um, but as Avery got older and she would babysit or interact with younger kids, she took the concepts and she would tell me a story and I would realize. This is something you came up with. This isn’t something I came up with. And so I invited her here today because I wanted, she wrote, she’s applying for graduate school right now and she’s been working on her application and one of the stories I feel like needs to be taught, like, this is, this is a tool that.

When you came up with it all the years ago, I taught it privately and it’s called the soft eyes But you the way you wrote it out. I think that I don’t know I just think that it’s gonna be something helpful and especially in today’s climate Where I think we could all be you know experiencing more soft eyes and, um, and showing up with soft eyes.

Um, I wanted you to come here so that you could, I was hoping that maybe you, I don’t know if it feels too vulnerable to

[00:04:47] Avery Rubenstein: No. Yeah.

[00:04:49] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah. I wanted you to read, um, your answer to this one question and then I wanted to kind of talk about the soft eyes.

[00:04:56] Avery Rubenstein: Yeah. Soft Eyes. They work on adults too. Actually. I’ve learned. I use them in conflict resolution.

[00:05:06] Randi Rubenstein: Soft eyes, soft eyes are a great tool.

[00:05:12] Avery Rubenstein: All right. I have a pulled up.

[00:05:14] Randi Rubenstein: Okay. We’re ready whenever you’re ready to, to read it.

[00:05:18] Avery Rubenstein: Okay, the question was describe a challenging situation you faced. How’d you address it? So, my freshman year of college was the fall of 2020, the year the world shut down. I grew up in Texas and most of my friends went to schools that provided on campus education. In contrast, I virtually attended UCSB and this meant I would be stuck both metaphorically and literally at my childhood home.

It was a depressing time for many, if not most of the world, and I was no exception. I felt stuck between leaving childhood and entering adulthood. Rather than continue to languish at home, I decided to pick up extra work. I took a job with a family as a glorified babysitter, a nanny as it’s called in fancy circles.

I had no idea that I’d actually signed up to be a teacher of two young girls. Early in the pandemic, many working parents found themselves juggling their careers at home while also attempting to homeschool their kids. This effort would prove to feel an impossible task for millions of fearful, stressed out people, especially women.

My nanny job consisted of caring for two young girls ages four and six during school hours. Yes, this included the supervision of their online learning and assignments. Zoom preschool for a four year old was a colossal failure in my opinion. I felt responsible for problem solving this reality so that the child would never be the wiser.

The six year old was easy. She completed tasks without difficulty or complaint and had no trouble staying focused. As I’ve already alluded to, the four year old provided more of a challenge. Pre K introduced new obstacles for her. She was finally being tasked with improving her critical thinking skills, which is a frustrating transition when you’ve mostly been working on coloring between the lines for the last few years and trying not to have bathroom accidents.

One ordinary moment specifically stands out in my mind. She was facing the daunting task of solving a maze. Easy enough for me, but not so much for her. I learned to adapt with her. I saw the maze through her four year old eyes. While her assignment seemed more like fun games to me, I knew that comparing what feels frustrating for a 4 year old to fun for a 19 year old was illogical.

She tried a few different ways to complete the maze to no avail. She began to get worked up. Tears were welling, and I could feel a full tantrum on the brink. I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s too hard. This is stupid. Instead of reprimanding her or insisting she try again, I held her hands. Look at me, I said.

She shook her head. Just look at me just for a second. I want to see your eyes. She finally met my gaze. I looked at her with the empathy of someone who understood how frustrating it is to fail. I just looked at her, gazed soft, and took a few deep breaths. To my surprise, she started to breathe with me. Her eyes became less angry until they reflected the calm look in mine.

I thought about what had happened after she calmed down. The soft eyes were my way of providing her with non verbal empathy. Words in that moment would have further overwhelmed her nervous system, leading to a full blown meltdown. The state of the world felt dysregulated at the time, so it’s no wonder that many kids, much like this little four year old, were feeling intense overwhelm in their bodies on a regular basis.

The long lasting effects of the pandemic during such a critical developmental stage has left many kids still struggling today. Empathy was the resource I relied on the most during the semester when I worked with this sweet family. I became a listening ear for the girl’s mom when she was overwhelmed by life, juggling work, and family.

I utilized empathy when one of the girls took out her feelings on her sister. And although it might seem inconsequential to show up with empathy to help an overwhelmed four year old get started on a maze, I think there’s something hugely extraordinary we can take away from this very ordinary small moment.

Empathy is a skill. It can be taught and it can be learned. By providing empathy on a regular basis, kids can easily learn this skill too. The ripple effects of empathizing with humans of any age has the ability to create lasting, dare I say, much needed societal change. The end.

[00:09:22] Randi Rubenstein: I love it.

[00:09:24] Avery Rubenstein: It’s a good answer.

[00:09:25] Randi Rubenstein: it. I love it. Um, the soft eyes. Like, I remember when you, I mean, first of all, that semester, I mean, it was like, When you came home and you had those stories to share from the day, it was like, I don’t know, it was felt like, uh, like, because it was such a dark time for you with all your friends gone and you being stuck here and having to attend your first semester of college online, um, you know, you were in a depression and it was like, you would come home and share these stories, whatever stories from the day and just getting to know this family and feeling.

Like, I don’t know. It seemed like it gave you purpose.

[00:10:09] Avery Rubenstein: Yeah, it definitely I was going to say it gave me purpose when I felt like I was drifting a little bit. Mm hmm. Yeah, even yeah I it was funny too because Helping the mom made me feel Like, that was really what it was is because I knew that, like, obviously it’s important to help the kids, but she, I could tell she was so stressed out and I think, remember I said, I think they had planted some nanny cams.

Cause it was like, after that first week I’d been there, I could see the weight leaving her shoulders. Like she had trusted her kids to the right people. And it just like, it felt good to help her.

[00:10:48] Randi Rubenstein: Well, don’t you know that it didn’t, they end up telling you at the end of this, after working for them, didn’t they tell you that they like, like

[00:10:57] Avery Rubenstein: I can’t,

[00:10:57] Randi Rubenstein: how,

[00:10:58] Avery Rubenstein: they alluded to having seen me work. With one of the girls through something, I think it was like when they were fighting over Barbies or something and One wanted to play her game the other wanted to play their game and we worked it out But I remember after the first week remember they gave me that orchid and I was like, okay They were already

[00:11:18] Randi Rubenstein: they, they kept giving you gifts and they kept giving you like more money.

[00:11:23] Avery Rubenstein: Yeah, they kept adding to my pay I was like, they were already paying me a lot for like a 19 year old, but then they kept adding my pay. They kept, they got me an orchid and then she would like start sort of buying me snacks that I didn’t ask for. And then at the end of it, they gave me an espresso machine that I still use.

[00:11:39] Randi Rubenstein: we were just, we were, I was just, I was just sharing, you know, when dad was reading over this, I was like, you got to read this story. And he was like, didn’t they give her, like at the end of her work in there, didn’t they give her, like, didn’t they give her? Like sort of grossly overpay her and then also give her like a really fancy espresso machine to take

[00:11:59] Avery Rubenstein: It was like,

[00:11:59] Randi Rubenstein: if she still has it.

[00:12:01] Avery Rubenstein: yeah, I still have it. I use it every day. They, I remember she asked me, she was like for college, for your journey. And I was like, I’m never going to babysit again. Cause how can I ever top this experience? Like it was awesome.

[00:12:14] Randi Rubenstein: But I felt like they told, like, at some point at the end, they like told you, we’ve learned some parenting tips or

[00:12:20] Avery Rubenstein: Mm hmm. She did say that, which is how I knew that they had been watching me. She was like, I’ve, she’s like, just seeing how you interact with the girls, like, I’ve learned so much and she’s like, and I now know, like, what your mom does and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, okay. Glad I could help.

[00:12:36] Randi Rubenstein: You loved them. Didn’t they also have a baby?

[00:12:41] Avery Rubenstein: I think they had just had a baby. Maybe. Mm hmm.

[00:12:45] Randi Rubenstein: But you didn’t, you were just in charge of taking care of the girls.

[00:12:49] Avery Rubenstein: Yeah, just the girls.

[00:12:51] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah. Yeah. No, that was a, that was an incredible experience. And I remember when you came home and you’re like, mom, listen to this story. And I was like, what? There was just like every day there was like, it was like stories of you in the trenches with little kids.

Um, and. Which is so good for me to hear about, you know, like what people are really going through and struggling, especially, you know, trying to do pre K zoom pre K and just what a freaking shit show it was.

[00:13:19] Avery Rubenstein: Mm hmm.

[00:13:20] Randi Rubenstein: um, and you were like, I remember you were like, oh, she was, it was this whole situation where they had to do a maze and she was just immediately so overwhelmed.

And you were like, and so I, and I was like, what’d you do, you know, like, what’d you do? And you were like, well, I got down on her level and I just sort of, you know, like touched her softly, touched her hands and said, look at me. And your voice, like, like the way you modeled it. It was amazing. Sort of like when you told me that story recently about the little girl on the soccer field, the little sister, the six year old, um,

[00:14:00] Avery Rubenstein: When she started, when she got hurt.

[00:14:02] Randi Rubenstein: yeah, but, but that, you know, we talk about all these concepts and I think it’s just so helpful to hear a real life story and to hear how it was modeled because I think, I mean, there’s, it’s like, well, of course we all know what empathy is.

But do we really

[00:14:25] Avery Rubenstein: Mm

[00:14:26] Randi Rubenstein: like we, there’s these concepts and it’s, I feel like talking about these concepts through a story just makes it more tangible and, um, and easier to emulate. And

[00:14:39] Avery Rubenstein: Mm hmm.

[00:14:40] Randi Rubenstein: like, can you just like, just to kind of reiterate that story, we, do you remember like, can you kind of relive it when, when she was losing it and what you

[00:14:51] Avery Rubenstein: Mm hmm.

[00:14:52] Randi Rubenstein: that for us?

[00:14:53] Avery Rubenstein: Yeah, I, I remember she was getting worked up and I kind of got a little panic because I’m not a mom, like, like I’ve babysat, but I don’t really know what to do. And so I started to get a little panicked and then I kind of calm myself down. And I kind of, she was sitting in like a low chair at a higher chair next door and I got on my knees.

So that I was exact eye level with her and. I was kind of like, Hey, like, look at me for a second. And she was like, no, no, it’s hard. I don’t want anyone. I was like, Hey, it’s okay. It’s like, just look at me for a second. You don’t have to do right now. Just look at me. She kind of looked at me and I was like,

and then it was like calming a horse. Like she immediately just started to kind of breathe with me and she started to calm down a little bit. And I was like, it’s okay. We’re just going to take a second. I was like, and then we’ll figure it out together, but no, one’s making you do it right this second. And she was like, okay, and she just like, I think just got so overwhelmed and like needed to solve this problem right then and there and she couldn’t figure it out right then and there and I was like, no one’s holding the gun to your head, girl, like, it’s gonna be okay.

And I think once she calmed down and I kind of explained to her, like, we can try a few different ways, and if we don’t get it right, we got time. Like, it’s not a big deal. We’ll find another way. And like, I think kind of spacing it out, rather than making it feel like this big, colossal, like, I have to find all the paths and figure it out right now, and it was too much in her little brain.

And I was like, it’s okay. And I think it just kind of helped her to like, just get out of that state of overwhelm a little bit.

[00:16:50] Randi Rubenstein: Well, it reminds me, do you remember in that Peter Levine book, Waking, what is it called? Waking the

[00:16:57] Avery Rubenstein: Waking the Tiger.

[00:16:59] Randi Rubenstein: yeah, Waking the Tiger.

[00:17:01] Avery Rubenstein: Mm hmm.

[00:17:02] Randi Rubenstein: I think it’s in that book when he tells the story about the man in the old folks home falling down.

[00:17:09] Avery Rubenstein: That’s, well, that’s exactly what I did with the girl in the soccer field when she, you know, I think it was like her brother, her brother was on

[00:17:17] Randi Rubenstein: wait, wait, first, let’s, do you remember the story of the,

[00:17:21] Avery Rubenstein: yeah, it was the old man. He fell to the ground and I think it was Peter Levine was like, um, he got to the ground and people tried to, it’s

[00:17:34] Randi Rubenstein: pause. Peter Levine is the author, but he’s also sort of like, you know, like in mental health circles, he is like the godfather of how to heal trauma.

[00:17:46] Avery Rubenstein: such a good book. That book helped me a lot. Yeah. Um, so the old man falls. And obviously an old man falling can be scary, like everyone freaks out, did he break something? So everyone rushes him. And Peter is kind of like, just give him a second, step back. And Peter got down on the ground with him and just kind of sat there, just didn’t do anything, just sat there with him.

I think the old man started crying and kind of shook, which is dispelling that free state of panic. And then eventually, maybe two minutes later, it was like, I’m okay. And they helped him up and it was fine. Yeah.

[00:18:27] Randi Rubenstein: Okay. So now go into, now we’re going to touch on, I’m going to grab your expertise as a biological anthropology, um, graduate.

[00:18:38] Avery Rubenstein: Mm hmm.

[00:18:39] Randi Rubenstein: that was her major. She’s, she’s an animal freak, always has been. So she studied all about animals in, in college. Um, okay, so now. Talk about the shake and how, you know, we don’t think of ourselves as human beings that were animals, but there are a lot of similarities.

I mean, this is what the field that Avery studied.

[00:19:01] Avery Rubenstein: Mm hmm.

[00:19:01] Randi Rubenstein: of similarities between animals and humans, and there’s a lot for us to learn about animals in the wild. So talk to us about that shake.

[00:19:10] Avery Rubenstein: Yeah. I mean, it’s in the first chapter of Peter Levine’s book where a gazelle is being chased by lions and then escape the escapes the lions. And once it’s safe, it kind of stands in it shakes just like aggressively, like, its whole body shakes and dispels all of that tension that had been holding that adrenaline that had been holding to save its life.

And. Humans do it the same, we’re animals, we’re mammals. I’ve experienced it, especially after like panic attacks and things, your body shakes and it’s really good for you. Like, you are supposed to sit through it and let it happen because if you don’t shake off that adrenaline, you get stuck in that freeze state and you can carry that for years, which is what the book’s about.

Um, and that’s why people get stuck in their trauma and are not ever able to move past something because they’ve never let themselves feel through the panic moment.

[00:20:03] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah, shake it off. And, and, and so, and so, you know, that’s what he talks about with that old man is. You know, when he just sat with him and like got on the ground, exactly what you did when you used the soft eyes, right? Like it wasn’t enough to both be sitting in chairs cause you saw that you were hovering over.

So you got on your knees, you got on her level. Peter got on the ground. He held the man’s hand. This is before you read the Peter Levine book. So this was actually instinctual. And I think more of us have this instinct, but we. We get stuck in that panic mode, like where you were at the beginning of, I don’t know what to do.

I’m not a mom. Who am I to know what to do? You know? And instead you like calmed yourself down and then you got down, you went, you know, at her level, you held her hand, you gave her a little physical touch and then look at me and you gave her those soft eyes, right? Which also kicks her mirror neurons. You know, her, her mirror neurons kick in, in that moment, you get her to softly look at you.

And since you had already done the work of calming your body down, well now she’s going to co regulate with you. And so when she looks at you, right? With those soft eyes, like that’s what Peter did. He sat down, he touched the man, he held his hand and he said, he reassured him, it’s okay. We’re just going to sit here for a second.

[00:21:33] Avery Rubenstein: Mm hmm.

[00:21:33] Randi Rubenstein: Like, I’m, I’m in no rush. We’re okay. We’re okay. And then the man felt in the man, the man’s body was allowed to do what it needed to do because something scary had just happened. And then he cried and then he shook

[00:21:48] Avery Rubenstein: Mm hmm.

[00:21:49] Randi Rubenstein: able to get up and, and move on. So chances are that man’s not going to be panicked that every time he’s walking, he’s going to fall again.

Right? Peter sat with him and, and, and helped him through that experience. So now it’s not a trauma that stays living in his body. It was just a bad thing. It was an accident that happened that now he is shaken off.

[00:22:14] Avery Rubenstein: Right. Mm hmm. Yeah. And it’s, it’s interesting because it feels almost like after I figured out the soft eyes and how well it works, it kind of felt like, Oh, I can just use this all the time. But it’s like, it’s not always that easy. Like sometimes a kid won’t look at you and they’re too overwhelmed and they can’t figure out.

Yeah. And. That’s what I did with the girl on the soccer field and why I talked I Basically, she got stepped on by her brother He was being a jerk whatever and she started freaking out crying sobbing whatever So I went over with her and I tried I was like look at me. Look at me She’s like no, no, it hurts.

It hurts my face and I go Okay, I’m gonna teach you a really secret healing tool that my mom taught me. I was making this up. I was like, and it’s magic. So, you have to really focus for it. She was like, I don’t know, I don’t know. And I go, okay. First, I forgot what I did, but I was like, first we have to tap your head to dispel the pain.

And I start tapping. Oh yeah, I was like, first we have to suck out the pain. And I go, She was like, okay, okay. And I was like, now you have to do it two times. She does it two times. You know, something to focus on counting and I was like, and then we have to feel the grass because mother nature is healing. And she’s like, okay, she’s putting her hands in the grass, like massaging the ground. She was like, okay. And then I told her one other thing and then I was like, okay, and now you have to look at me and we have to take deep breaths to really let the magic sink in. And that’s really what I was trying to get at is look at me and take deep breaths.

And finally, she was calm enough. Where she could look at me and take deep breaths, but it took a couple steps to get there, like, it’s not immediate, and that was how, like, I finally, after that, she was like, okay, I’m okay, I’m okay, and then, of course, afterwards, she was like, I bit my tongue, and started freaking out again, and I was like, I have tricks for that, too, and I was like, okay, I was like, see if you can move your tongue like this, and she does it, and I was like, you look like a monkey, and she was like, yeah, I do look like a monkey, and I go, okay, well, you can move your tongue like that, which means it’s not broken, so, And she was like, Oh, okay.

Okay. And then she was fine. Like it never happened. And

[00:24:43] Randi Rubenstein: yep. So what did you do there? Let’s just break that down. Even when you were sucking the pain out of her head. You were like, you know, and so then she has to do it, but think about it. Like you’re breathing in, you’re breathing out, you’re breathing in. So, you know, I think so often this is where like, you’re still, I mean, frankly, Um, sometimes I think you seem like you’re still seven when I see you rip sticking with your friends, um, and, and dressed in your, you know, the, when you’re playing Alver, Avril Lavigne, um, you seem like the seven year old tomboy that you are inside all the time.

[00:25:27] Avery Rubenstein: shirt I’m wearing right now,

[00:25:29] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah,

[00:25:29] Avery Rubenstein: my home t shirt.

[00:25:30] Randi Rubenstein: That’s a home t shirt. That was a, that was our name because if it was up to Avery, she would have only worn, she would have only worn home t shirts and I was too vain. I wanted her to dress, I wanted her to dress like, it was my own agenda. I wanted her to dress like a girl sometimes, so I’d be like, Oh, that’s a home shirt.

That’s an out shirt. Um, okay, we digress. So, so because you’re still close enough to your own childhood magic, like you haven’t lost that You know, just ability to access the right hemisphere, right, that, that creative part of you. Um, you know, I think so many adults were like, okay, we need to teach kids how to breathe, how to calm their nervous system, how to tap on things.

And while that’s all true, I think this, it’s like telling, creating something that feels a little bit magical. Can I let you in on a secret? Here’s this thing, this special thing. My mom taught me it. Thank you for giving me credit where credit wasn’t due. Um, I didn’t teach her the thing. Um, but you tapped into that, to that, what, what humans have done for thousands and thousands of years is we, we help other people.

We teach other people through story. It’s what we’re doing here right now. So you did it on the micro level with this little child that was hurt and overwhelmed and really upset. Right? To help her body calm down. But you didn’t necessarily tell her, now we’re going to calm your body down. Now I want you to take the deep, you know,

[00:27:15] Avery Rubenstein: that feels cheesy

[00:27:16] Randi Rubenstein: right.

It’s cheesy and it’s

[00:27:18] Avery Rubenstein: and she doesn’t care. Yeah,

[00:27:20] Randi Rubenstein: and you know,

[00:27:21] Avery Rubenstein: I’m readjusting.

[00:27:22] Randi Rubenstein: but like, how do you, how do you engage the child? How do you get them? You know, parents are always, how do I get them to listen? How do I get them? And I’m like, you know, how about, how do you engage them? How do you invite them? You’ve, you, you speak to the, to your audience.

Like if this was your business, you’re going to speak to your audience in a way that they can actually hear you. Right. Like my audience is mostly women, mostly moms. Right. So I’m not going to start telling a bunch of, I don’t know, gamble, like I, I wasn’t just thinking about a dad I’m working with and I like was helping him understand something.

And I used like, this is. stereotypical, because I know there’s a lot of women that are into sports. You happen to be one, but I’m not going to use a bunch of sports analogies. I’m not going to talk about gambling, you know, or, you know, making, making bets on sports. Um, because my audience is women. And so when our audience is a little kid, right.

So to all of a sudden bring some ancient wisdom, some magic, um, a secret, Right. That’s, that’s just smart marketing and sales right there. And, and so, and you’re, and you don’t necessarily need to let her know what you, you know, what you’re really doing. Like what the, what, you know, what the, like I like to say the spinach and the spaghetti sauce lessons, like you don’t need to tell her that there’s spinach in the spaghetti sauce.

It’s like, you guys, like what’s all the green stuff, seasoning. Like, y’all didn’t need to know that there was spinach in this, that there was a whole giant bag of spinach in that spaghetti sauce. You didn’t need to know, but you were, you were eating spinach. This child was breathing.

[00:29:16] Avery Rubenstein: as soon as I figured it out, it made it taste worse.

[00:29:19] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So, you know, I think it’s like, We’ve got to be bringing some of that creativity, but look, here’s the thing.

No one is creative when. You’re in a constricted state. So like, if, if we go back to the original soft diet story with, you know, the four year old, if you had gotten stuck with, I don’t know what to do here. I’m not a mom. Who am I? She’s freaking out over a freaking maze. Like, let me go get your mom. I, you know, um, excuse me.

Ms. So and so, she’s, she’s over, you know, like we’ve got a situation

[00:30:02] Avery Rubenstein: Right.

[00:30:03] Randi Rubenstein: gone into a full blown meltdown. If you would have stayed in that constricted state of, I don’t know what I’m doing, this feels scary, I don’t know how to help her, like you wouldn’t have been able to all of a sudden you know, get creative and get down on her level, right?

So you had to first and foremost calm yourself down. And when you calm yourself down and you’re telling yourself like, we’re going to get through this. Like even the little child, like who her brother had stomped on her head. If you had been like, Oh my God, what if she’s really hurt? Oh, she bit her tongue.

What if she’s bleeding? What if, you know,

[00:30:38] Avery Rubenstein: Or gone to him instead of her and been like, don’t do that, you

[00:30:43] Randi Rubenstein: Put your, yeah, put your energy, you know, that’s the sibling fighting tool, which you helped also without even realizing that you helped, but you would,

[00:30:52] Avery Rubenstein: by being the victim of it.

[00:30:54] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah. Like you helped me to come up with the sibling fighting tool. And that’s what we know is that we always go to the more injured party first.

Right. So if you put all your bandwidth on the brother who hurt her, how would that have helped her? How would that have helped her to calm down and to take those deep breaths and to realize that like her tongue wasn’t broken and she was going to be okay. And

[00:31:17] Avery Rubenstein: Right. And to trust that her brother’s not going to stomp on her face at every second. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:31:24] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah, well, I think that’s helpful. I think it’s helpful to, um, just give some real life stories. I don’t know. Yeah, I, I

[00:31:33] Avery Rubenstein: I agree. I mean, I, I think figuring out the, like, when I was like, Oh, I know a secret, blah, blah, blah. I figured that out. Cause I watched a video of a girl who was like, I’m the best babysitter in the world. And here’s why I make shit up. Like, she was like, I get them to go to sleep. I tell them I’m spreading magic sand and we get something to close their eyes.

Like, and I was like, that’s so smart. Like, are they fact checking us? No, I can say whatever I want and it doesn’t matter. It’s just magic. Mm

[00:32:04] Randi Rubenstein: good. It’s so good. It’s like you can, you can say you can, I mean, kids it’s, and it’s not lying to kids. It’s meeting them where they are. It’s, it’s bringing a little magic into

[00:32:18] Avery Rubenstein: yeah, creating a more magical universe for them to live in, which, who wouldn’t want that? That’s awesome.

[00:32:24] Randi Rubenstein: It is awesome.

[00:32:25] Avery Rubenstein: Mm hmm.

[00:32:26] Randi Rubenstein: Well, thanks for, um, giving us masterclass on empathy, nonverbal empathy, and the soft eyes.

[00:32:33] Avery Rubenstein: Thanks for having me.

[00:32:35] Randi Rubenstein: Okay, everyone. Oh, is that your, is that your little evil mastermind?

[00:32:41] Avery Rubenstein: Yeah. This is my, my mastermind parenting.

[00:32:47] Randi Rubenstein: Anybody who’s not watching the video you’re really missing out right now. okay. Love you

[00:32:53] Avery Rubenstein: Love you. 

[00:32:54] Randi Rubenstein: Thanks for listening today, guys. I hope you picked up some tips, tools, maybe some baby steps for creating more balance and boundaries in your life. And I just wanted to let you know, if you want to continue moving the needle forward in creating this for yourself, having a happier household, I want you to go to my website and check out mastermindparenting.com. We have three beginning programs, and if you need some accountability and more support then please look for the one that would be a good fit for you.

And, as always, we’re on all the social channels under Mastermind Parenting, on Instagram it’s mastermind_parenting. And, you know, periodically I do pop up on different Instagram lives, Facebook lives where I give you teaching and coaching and I love engaging with you live to help you help your strong-willed kids so that they can feel better, because when they feel better they do better, and I love, love, love getting to know you guys. 

So thanks for listening. If you like this podcast, please don’t forget to subscribe, rate and review. Super, super appreciative.