310: Masterminding The Holidays

[00:00:00] Randi Rubenstein: My name is Randi Rubenstein, and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast. At Mastermind Parenting, we’re on a mission to support strong-willed kids and the families that love them. Hello. Hello. How is everyone this week? I have holiday madness on the mind. What about you? when you know your kids are going to be with you for the break, you’ve got a lot of things on your plate. Of course, you’re the kind of parent that listens to parenting podcasts, so I know that you take it seriously. Like you’re like, okay, we only have 18 Christmases or 18 Hanukkahs or 18 winter breaks to take, you know, special vacation or whatever the thing is for you that makes you feel like, okay, I got to get this right this time. It’s like, it’s going to be great. It’s going to be great. We have all of these ideas. 

But really. Inside, we’re thinking, oh, what if they just rot on screens? Like, you know, it’s like the weekend, but you know, every single day. And all I see is them on the screens. They won’t get off the screens. They’re fighting with each other. There’s constant pantry surfing. They’re having snacks for meals. It’s just like fighting and meltdowns and super stress. To me, that’s not the recipe for happiness. So if any of this describes your secret fears, um, I want to help you. And that’s what this episode today is about.

So, um, what does it take to create a holiday break that’s not that nightmare, right? Like where you end, you’re, you’re sending your kids back to school and you’re like, that was a good, like Christmas. Winter break it was a good time. It was a good break. So what do we do? 

Pack leader energy. This is a concept that I’ve been talking about a lot lately. Um, 

I’ve always talked a lot about pack leadership, that you’re the leader of your pack, right? You set the tone. And today, I, we’re bringing back an old episode that is going to help you to really understand this concept more clearly, right?

Because happy holidays don’t just happen. It takes behind the scenes planning and amazing leadership. Why does no one tell us when you become a mom that, I mean, when you become a parent and specifically, I feel like when you become a mom, like this is all about leadership. This is all about being an effective leader, 

right?

Do amazing weddings or birthday parties just happen? Do you just wake up that day and say, well, you know, let’s get married today or let’s throw a birthday party today? No, as you all know, um, there’s thinking, there’s planning, there’s lots of things that happen ahead of time, there’s strategy. 

Not in an annoying way, right? Like, like, I’m not saying that I want you to all of a sudden become like annoying Becky Home-Ecky. Like, that’s not what we’re talking about here. It’s different. It’s more about having a confident mindset and a plan. And a plan. Okay. 

So I want you to listen to this episode and really have a clear picture of what pack leadership and energy looks like. Like what does it look like to be a pack leader? So that’s what I’ve got. Enjoy the episode today.

[00:03:53] Randi Rubenstein: So today’s episode I’m calling Mastermind Parenting tool to prevent judgy relatives from hijacking your holiday. And, what I’m including is a Facebook live where I taught, uh, a great tool. And I talked about being around the Thanksgiving table and having the judgy relatives say things about whatever your kids were doing, which is probably normal kid behavior, but just having that judgment sort of in your face on your shoulder and how it feels terrible for all of us. And so I gave a strategy for how to bubble wrap yourself and protect yourself from allowing other people’s negativity to hijack your holiday. 

And so maybe it’s, it is around a holiday table, but maybe it’s just a Friday night dinner with your extended family or a Sunday night dinner or, a visit with the grandparents, whatever it is. Or maybe it’s just with another family whose kids seem to be behaving air quotes perfectly, and your kids are the ones…

We used to laugh all the time because my daughter had a best friend when she was little and I would take them to get ice cream and I would look at the best friend and I would say, why do you look like that eating ice cream? And then I would point to Avery and Avery would have like chocolate ice cream all over her entire face, and we would laugh about it. And then they got to be in high school and this friend is a grade older than her and just went off to college and she wrote a journalism piece as a senior in high school and Avery was a junior and it was, it was all about that. and so anyway, we would laugh about it. 

But I for sure was like doing the comparison thing, but doing it in jest. And quite often, I think we sort of do the opposite. We see the child without the chocolate ice cream all over their face. You know, the, the child who maybe is a little more reserved than our kids. And we make it mean that they’re more civilized or they’re more something. And quite often it’ll cause us to then be harder on our kids. 

Like, well, have a napkin. Like I never was have a napkin. I was always just sort of enjoying that she was enjoying ice cream so much, but I think quite often we do the opposite. So, this Facebook live, I think you guys are going to, um, learn some really great mindset strategies, tips, and tools. And I think a lot of you guys are going to relate, so I wanted to include it here on the podcast. So enjoy. 

 Hi guys. It’s Randi. I was just thinking about y’all and I thought, you know what I think I’m going to do some training to support you guys in having a successful holiday I’ve been hearing from a lot of parents, it just brings up a lot. It’s, everybody’s off of work and there’s all this buildup and maybe you’re traveling out of town or relatives are coming in and then we find ourselves in all of these triggered moments. And what seems to trigger most of us is when we feel like there’s that judgment coming in from other adults.

Okay. So a lot of times it might be coming from well-intended grandparents or in laws or your siblings or your sibling’s spouses, what have you. But I think that this is common. And so I wanted to give you guys this arsenal of tools that will bubble wrap you in the right head space so that you don’t allow that judgment to sort of take you off your A game. You know, cause whenever any of us are feeling judged, we’re going to feel triggered. Uh, nobody likes to be judged. No one. it just, it doesn’t feel good. 

So when you feel judged and let’s say your kids are running around and they’re acting crazy or they say something that, you know, it’s just not the thing that you’re going to like put a post out on Facebook. It’s not your most brag worthy kid moment. And then you have all of these witnesses around and you feel like you’re being judged and before you know it, you find yourself sort of making a big deal out of things that really aren’t a big deal. Because you’re feeling judged, you go into your emotional brain and you say things, you do see things that you wish you hadn’t done. Then you have a kid that’s melting down more and it doesn’t turn out to be that memorable holiday that you were hoping for. 

So that’s what we’re talking about today. And what I like to teach parents is that 

these problems are actually not problems. They’re just opportunities. And so when you start to shift your mindset, you start to learn that there are opportunities to notice why you’re getting triggered by all these little things. To get curious about yourself, to get curious about your kids and why they’re not cooperating. It’s an opportunity to start figuring out why what you’re doing isn’t working, right? It’s an opportunity to learn something new because to do the same thing over and over and over again and to expect different results is literally the definition of insanity.

So when you have these little problems show up in your life and you see them as opportunities and you start to get curious, and you start to open yourself up to learn new methods and a new way, You start to grow, and you start to take control back in your life. 

And you see this as an opportunity to learn new things. To expand your mind. 

And ultimately what that brings is a sense of freedom so that you can feel like you’re able to have more fun in your life. Because all these little energy zapping moments. It’s not that fun. It’s not that fun to walk around feeling exhausted because you can’t get out the door with your kid and your kid won’t cooperate and nothing you’re doing is working like that’s not a very fun life.

And what I’m here to tell you is that when you start to learn these new things and see problems as opportunities and master your mind, that’s the name mastermind parenting, you start to have more fun. And you start to be more fun to be around, frankly.

Okay, so I’m going to teach you guys this tool of the day, and it’s called the Q tip. And it’s going to help you, it’s literally going to like bubble wrap you when you’re sitting at that Thanksgiving table, um, and you feel the judgment come because your kids aren’t being perfect. Okay, your kids are being kids and they’re being human and you have some relative say some snarky freaking annoying thing and they’re judging you and they’re judging your kid. And this is what’s going to bubble wrap you so that you let it roll off your back and you don’t take it out on your kids and you’re able to have a special holiday and make beautiful memories with your kids rather than letting some relative snarky comment hijack your holiday. Really. Like, we’re not doing that. Okay?

So, the Q tip. Quit taking it personally. Okay? Quit taking it personally. Number one, you have to control your thinking, quit taking it personally. What do I mean by that? 

So what I’ve learned about judgment is that it’s actually always a self projection in some way. Anybody who’s showing up and saying some snarky, annoying thing to you, they’re judging themselves. 

How are they judging themselves? Well, just like you they want to be a good parent, right? Just like you, they want to think that they did it well. Okay? Everybody wants validation that the way they’re doing it or the way they did it is the right way. And so anytime anybody says anything…

Like, happy people don’t go around spreading misery. Happy people don’t make snarky comments. Confident people who know that the way they did it was great and feel confident in that and imperfect and there is no perfect, they don’t go around constantly making snarky comments to bring other people down. 

So anyone making those comments ultimately they want validation that they were a good parent or that the way they’re doing it is good or the right way. 

And it’s actually like they’re showing you their poker hand that they feel sort of insecure about the way they did things or they still feel insecure about the way they’re doing things. Because all that judgment and comparison is just BS, and anybody who gets it knows it’s not helpful, and it doesn’t feel good for anyone involved. 

So the only thing you can control. 

You’re going to waste your energy, um, making some snarky comment back or defending the way you do things or trying to teach them something new. It’s all a waste of energy. The only thing you actually have control over is your thinking.

So when you start to have control over your own thoughts, then you choose to make the other person’s comment mean something about them and not something about you. Okay? So you only have control over your own thinking and what you think in that moment when the judgment’s coming at you is, this is not about me, this is about them. This is not about me, this is about them. 

Because that’s the truth. Remember, I say this to my kids all the time, when some kids make some shitty comment to them. I’m like, think about it. Happy people don’t go around spreading misery when somebody makes a shitty comment to you, it’s because they feel shitty on the inside. And so we make up a story in our head that it really actually means something about us because they’re hurling it our way.

But when we control our own thinking, we can sit there and like, let it roll off. And we, we don’t match that negative vibe. Like it, all it’s going to happen is it’s like game on. And now we’ve given that snarky, miserable person an outlet to argue and fight and to bring all this negativity and tension to the table. We’re not doing that. We’re not doing that. 

Happy people don’t spread misery. So control your thinking. Don’t let the other person control the situation and bring you down into that negative space. 

Okay. Number two, I want you to notice what’s happening in your body when you’re triggered. Okay. So let’s say the person says something to you. I mean, it’s like right like somebody says like, oh my gosh I would never have let my kids behave like that. What are those table manners? You know, just whatever stupid thing. And or your kids like whatever. Maybe you ask your your teenager a question they’re like, I don’t know whatever. And then you have some relative saying I would oh my goodness. Wow So, you know, I, I can’t imagine a child behaving or saying that kind of having that kind of tone with their parent, you know, they say something like that and you start to feel yourself, you start to get hot, right?

And there’s a reason because when we go into that triggered state, we go into this emotional space in our brain where we’re not thinking clearly anymore. And our heart rate speeds up, and you may notice that your heart starts, starts pounding. You start to get hot. The blood is literally leaving your head and going to your extremities. And there’s a whole reason that that happens, but notice where you’re feeling it in your body. 

And then you want to, y’all are going to want to punch me in the face for this, but I’m telling you, it works. Like we have this amazing access to something called the breath and it. It moves you up in your brain. So when you notice that your heart starts to race, you start to get hot. You’re maybe sweating a little bit, like I sweat a little bit under my arms. So you start to notice those sensations in your body. That’s your trigger. That’s your real trigger to take a deep breath. So you take a deep, deep breath.

If you don’t do yoga… if you do yoga, it’s your jolly breath and it’s a deep inhale to the count of four, pause at the top and a deep, slow exhale, literally three deep breaths. Nobody even needs to know that you’re doing it. You don’t need to do it like in yoga class where it sounds like Darth Vader. You can do it without anyone noticing and it just helps you to keep your cool so you stay in control of your own thinking. 

And then you want to sort of empathize, right? Like in your brain. You’re breathing and then you’re just like looking at the situation from the other person’s point of view. So you really want like a mantra in your head, something like, um, like we all just want to raise good people. We all just want to raise good people. 

In your head, you’re just coaching yourself. Because the only thing you have control over is your own thinking. So you might as well take this moment and this opportunity to let it roll over, roll off your back by coaching yourself and saying like, we all just want to raise good people. We all just want to raise good people. And remembering, this other person judging you, they just want validation that the way they did it was the right way or the way they’re doing it is the right way because we all really want the same thing. 

And so if it’s maybe your parents or your in laws that are judging you, they see you doing it differently than they did. And so in some way, what they really want to hear from you in that moment is that they did a good job. They see you doing something and it’s almost like their ego comes online like, well, what was the wrong way? We didn’t, we didn’t do things so shabby. You turned out just fine. You know, everybody forgets all the hard moments, and so they want validation that they didn’t do such a poor job. 

But all you can do in those moments is just kind of like, manage your own mind, master your own mind, stay in the driver’s seat, breathe, say a mantra, and remember, when you quit taking it personally… because it’s really never personal, even when it feels very personal, it’s always a self projection. Then, you stay in the driver’s seat, and you don’t end up saying things to your kids, or doing things that are gonna exhaust you, and take you off your A game and have you not enjoying your holiday as much as possible. 

So I don’t know if this is resonating with you guys, um, but I know the holidays can be a little stressful. I know that that judgment piece, we want our kids to be on best behavior. And so sometimes we bring an element of stress and all of these kind of unrealistic expectations to the table, and it’s just not very fun for anyone. 

It’s not fun for our kids. We’re not making positive memories when we show up as this tense, worried person who’s just like, you guys, don’t do anything or say anything that is gonna, you know, make us look bad. Like that whole attitude, it’s just too much pressure for everyone. 

Versus showing up being your awesome selves, enjoying each other, not having this unrealistic view of, you know, this perfectionistic thinking that you’re trying to impress everyone, and you’re just being warm and loving and friendly and having a good holiday. 

It helps you to focus on what really matters versus worrying so much about everyone, behaving and looking and being so perfect. Because that’s really the point of the holidays. So, that’s what I’ve got for you guys and, um, would love to know if you found this helpful.

 This week I want to teach you again about boundaries through story and I’m going to include a little coaching session that I did with, um, a mom and I used an example from the show, the Gilmore Girls on how to understand boundaries. I explained it to her because, I just held a workshop and it was all about like planning for the holidays. So you have a successful holiday with your kids. 

Like, so you don’t, you know, what I said was, a fantasy without a plan is just delusional dreaming. So I had had everyone kind of write out the thing that they were dreading the most about the holiday season, which for most people, it was the open ended days, no schedule, um, parents needing to still do some work and knowing that like their kids were just going to be out of each other’s throats. 

You know, it’s an open ended container of a day for kids just to like fight with their siblings, walk around saying they’re bored, um, complain about lots of different things. And parents are like, okay, and I still have a house to run, laundry to do, food to cook and a job, you know, and work I have to do, or at least emails I have to answer commitments. Right? 

So a lot of parents are like kind of dreading all this time off from school, um, because life continues on as usual in a lot of ways for many of us. and now we just have our kids home all the time. And so I said, you know, okay, so what are you dreading the most? And if I could like sprinkle some magic fairy dust, what would be the fantasy?

And so I said, you know, a fantasy without a plan is delusional dreaming. And so often we just go into these holiday seasons. You know, open ended days with no plan. And so this mom who was, you know, really kind of resistant to the planning, Oh, it’s holiday vacation. Like, we’re complaining, we’re dreading about the, we’re dreading the open ended days, but then like, we don’t really want to get our shit together and like have a plan in place. And when you have little kids, like it’s a lot of hours in the day. And, um, you know, the structure thing is sort of important. And so like having a shell of day. 

So anyway, we were having this workshop and I coached this mom a little bit and she was just, I could tell a little bit resistant. So I followed up, and left another message for her. And I remembered that this mom had been a Gilmore girls fan. And I said, I’m going to teach you some things through the Gilmore girls. 

So that was kind of, you know, how I was wanting to kind of get through to this mom to help her sort of just realize that, like, 

during the holidays, you know, your kids need some pack leadership and they need you to be like, the fearless leader who’s going to ground everyone and, let everybody know, this is what we’re doing, this is our schedule, and sort of like have your shit together a little bit. 

And I think many of us resist because we don’t want to, we don’t feel like it. We don’t know how it seems like too much. We want to cross our fingers and hope for the best. And the best never happens. So, like, we’re gonna change that this holiday season. 

So, I thought this would be a fun little clip to share with you guys on the podcast because, you know, I’m really focusing on the whole boundaries, the elusive concept of boundaries for mom after mom, after mom that I meet. 

You know, most people who are drawn to work with me or even to listen to the podcast, like, you know, just to brag on you guys for a minute, like you guys are the cream of the crop. Like you’re some smart chicks out there and you get things done in your life and you’ve got accomplishments and resumes and, and all kinds of impressive things that you’ve accomplished, right? There’s a lot to be proud of. 

 So like I attract some smart people and, uh, for some reason following through on this whole boundary thing, you guys don’t do it. You don’t know how to do it. You tell yourself you don’t know how to do it. And hope it’s helpful. 

 I want to leave a message for Amy. I was thinking about you and in terms of stepping into pack leadership, a little fun fact that I remember about you is that when you joined the program, I think I had just finished up Gilmore Girls, and we bonded over our love for that show. So I’m going to use an example from that show. Okay. 

A lot of us who have loved that show, which, I will say like Scott would look over while I was watching that show and he was like, I don’t understand. Like, like, it’s the cheesiest show, you know, and I started watching it with Avery and then I finished it because Avery had already watched it like 2 other times.

So we started watching it. But then, like, I ultimately ended up finishing it without her because she had just like, she really wanted to watch the early seasons and then she kind of got bored at the later seasons. So I’m watching this, you know, old show, that and he’s just like, I don’t understand the allure.

Well, the allure was really Lorelei, you know, and I just loved her. I said to Avery recently, I was like, every once in a while, I have to just like, watch a little bit of an old episode of Gilmore Girls because I just like miss Lorelei. And missing her with Rory and their, you know, their relationship. She’s like, I know I do the same thing too, like, an old friend. I know, my TV friends become my friends

But I want you Amy to channel your inner Lorelei in terms of pack leadership. And let me give you an example there. I don’t know what season it was, but there was, you know, Lorelei and Rory just have this amazing relationship and. Um, she is clearly the pack leader, but there’s such a friendliness between them. And Rory’s such a good kid and she does the right thing. And it sort of just seems like Lorelei must’ve hit the jackpot and Rory’s just easy. And she gets to, she just lucked out. Okay. 

But I want you to think, first and foremost about, there was a season where I think it was when Rory was dating Jess. And she made a series of some decisions that weren’t, you know, maybe stayed out all night or did something. They were like. Yeah, I think she’s oh, I know what it was. I think she stayed out all night. They fell asleep. Um, they fell asleep. They were like making out in whatever, whatever her name, the dance, the dance teacher’s place and they fell asleep. 

And then she came home the next morning and Lorelai was pissed. And there was like, half a season where Lorelai, was pissed at Rory and was like setting boundaries and Rory felt like Lorelai was just being unyielding and wouldn’t see her perspective and yada, yada. 

But the thing is, is that Lorelai knew that Rory was in a phase of her life where she had to be the mom with some boundaries. She had to follow through on those boundaries. For Rory’s sake she needed to set some boundaries and to let Rory know like she didn’t approve of this guy and she didn’t, this behavior was not okay. 

And no matter how much Rory got upset with Lorelai and it upset Lorelai. Lorelai showed up in pack leadership and was her mom in that season in terms of, like, I’m not running for homecoming queen here. There are rules and the rules will be followed and there will be consequences when the rules aren’t followed and she just stepped into that. And so she had to miss out on, you know, that friendliness and that connection for a little bit, while Rory went through this hard kind of stage of life, but she needed Lorelei to step into that pack leadership.

And I hated that season because part of what I loved about that show was just their beautiful connection. And I even wanted Lorelei kind of to cave. I was like, oh, my God, she’s being so hard on her. Why is she? But really, she just was showing up in pack leadership. 

And so, Amy, I want you to remember, like, you know, if she was worried about, like, Rory experiencing hard emotions or Rory feeling all alone or disconnected from her mom, or Rory not liking her for a minute. Um, if she was worried, like, you’re worried about, like, what if they’re disappointed and what if they’re bored and what if they’re uncomfy, is that going to mean that, um, I’m not providing the best environment for them. I’m not being a good enough mom. Okay.

If, if Laurel, I was operating from that sentence in her head, then she would have caved and she would have given in and she would have not held firm on her boundaries. But at that stage of adolescence, like Rory needed a little tough love. And so when your kids are feeling uncomfy going through some moments, they open their present. They don’t like it. there’s too much time in the day, the board, whatever. You stepping into pack leadership and, you know, having the rules in the household and, and communicating what those rules are, right? And maybe the rules are, if it drives you crazy when they come and say, I’m bored, I’m bored, I’m bored, you’re having conversation on relevant time.

A few years ago, we did a thing on, like, and we may have it in the content library, the Bored Jar where you guys like, hey, we have a bunch of time coming up for winter break and there’s going to be a lot of time here walking around and saying you’re bored when we have a house, full of toys and a yard full of things to do and there are brothers and sisters available to play with and you’ve got a very creative magical thinking brain and coming and saying to me and daddy, I’m bored. I’m bored. I’m bored. When it’s a time for you to play and be creative and to figure it out. And it’s a time block when we’re getting work done is it’s not an option. 

So we’re gonna have a new rule. You say, I’m bored, and all I’m going to do is point to the I’m Bored Jar. We’ll have ideas for different things you can do. I’m not going to be reading those to you. I’m going to be pointing to the I’m Bored Jar. For the littles of for anybody can’t read, you know, you can say, if you want to bring it to me or bring it to one of your brothers or sisters to read it to you, you can do that. 

If you say I’m bored again, I’m not engaging in that conversation. We’re not even having a conversation. I’m not even going to acknowledge that you said it. 

You keep saying I’m bored and not just going and occupying yourself. To me, it means that your brain is too tired to be creative. So you’re going to go into your room, and you’re going to take a rest. For one hour. You’re going to lay on your bed, and you’re going to take a rest, and you’re going to have some quiet time so that your brain can regenerate and get creative again. 

See, so there would be a real rule connected. So now all of a sudden you’ve put a boundary around I’m bored. But you have to be in that Lorelai mindset. You’re doing this for them, not to them. She was doing some tough love to Rory during adolescence. For Rory, not to her. And it was uncomfortable, but ultimately Rory came back around. When she came back around, Lorelei was right there to receive her. 

 Thanks for listening today, guys. I hope you picked up some tips, tools, maybe some baby steps for creating more balance and boundaries in your life. And I just wanted to let you know, if you want to continue moving the needle forward in creating this for yourself, having a happier household, I want you to go to my website and check out mastermindparenting.com. We have three beginning programs, and if you need some accountability and more support then please look for the one that would be a good fit for you.

And, as always, we’re on all the social channels under mastermind parenting, on Instagram it’s mastermind_parenting. And, you know, periodically I do pop up on different Instagram lives, Facebook lives where I give you teaching and coaching and I love engaging with you live to help you help your strong-willed kids so that they can feel better, because when they feel better they do better, and I love, love, love getting to know you guys. 

So thanks for listening. If you like this podcast, please don’t forget to subscribe, rate and review. Super super appreciative