312: Parents Learn Through Stories, Too!

[00:00:00] Randi Rubenstein: My name is Randi Rubenstein, and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast. At Mastermind Parenting, we’re on a mission to support strong-willed kids and the families that love them. 

We’re back. What’s that from? What’s that from? We’re back.

[00:00:18] Avery Rubenstein: I don’t know, what’s that from?

[00:00:20] Randi Rubenstein: I don’t know. It’s from something. Anyway. Hi everyone. I am back here with my daughter, Avery Rubenstein. She’s waving. If you’re watching the video, if you’re not watching the video, there was just complete silence. And we’re here because I wanted to have a follow up conversation about our conversation. With, why am I blanking on his name? Mike. 

 The last airbender creator and author of the book that we read, it was the last episode in case anyone’s curious about that conversation that now we’re having a follow up conversation. But the reason we’re having a follow up conversation is because we read Mike’s book and it was It was written for young adults, so it’s about a kid that’s around the age of 14.

And I just felt like I wanted to talk about how I think these books are so good for parents to read because number one, especially for the young adult genre, like, it was a good book. And, and it took me back to, like, I think it’s like if you, if it’s a good story, whether it’s a book or whether it’s a movie, um, if you find yourself in a story, it’s like you naturally tap back into what it was like when you were that age. Right?

And so I think reading a story or watching a movie that correlates with the age that your kid is, that you actually enjoy, I think it will, it it helps with empathy. It helps to truly be able to like for a parent to see their kids perspective or to get curious about, hmm. What is going on with my kid? Why that why might they be doing it? I think it can be so hard to do if you aren’t in touch with what it felt like when you were their age and, and how, and what you were thinking back then. I don’t know. Am I, is this sound jumbled or convoluted? Can you? 

[00:02:36] Avery Rubenstein: It’s making me think of when I was in 9th grade and we read Catcher In the Rye in my English class with Mr. Gallagher. And he would like, when we would read it as a class, like, assume the character of Holden who’s, like, kind of similar, like, unreliable narrator and, like, super jaded and similar to the main character in this book. And something about him assuming that character and, like, trying to understand where Holden was coming from felt empathetic, if that makes sense. And it made the book more interesting to read too.

[00:03:11] Randi Rubenstein: It did. Because, because what? Like, give an example. Like what, what would he do? That

[00:03:16] Avery Rubenstein: He would like, like Holden, I think had a certain hat that he would wear. He’d put on the hat. He’s goofy, but I mean, adorable. And, um, he would just like, kind of like sit in a reclined way and read the book. And it was like, oh, like, it’s not like uptight English teacher reading the book. It’s like someone trying to understand Holden’s experience reading the book. Like literally assuming the character.

[00:03:44] Randi Rubenstein: Oh, that’s so interesting. So it was like, you as the kid, in a teacher’s class and in a class where here’s the adult, he’s the teacher. It was a very different experience for you as the kid, just knowing that that adult was getting in character and understanding the character, like truly embodying that character.

[00:04:05] Avery Rubenstein: Right. 

[00:04:06] Randi Rubenstein: That’s so interesting. So it must have made you feel more connected in that class because it wasn’t like, Oh, we’re just here. And here’s this adult, like making us read this story. It’s like, here’s this adult, in the story sort of with us in these characters with us.

[00:04:22] Avery Rubenstein: And it made a, a book in an English class, like no one wants to read their books for their English class, but it kind of made it feel like roleplay a little bit, and made it a little bit more fun as well.

[00:04:33] Randi Rubenstein: Well, I mean, I think we experienced it even through TV shows, like, if you think of, you know, I mean, Gilmore Girls. Like, how often do we talk about Lorelai as if she, like, we know her?

[00:04:48] Avery Rubenstein: Yeah, she’s like our friend.

[00:04:50] Randi Rubenstein: She’s our friend. Like, sometimes you’re like, I miss her. I just have to watch an old episode just to catch up with her.

[00:04:54] Avery Rubenstein: Mm hmm. Mm hmm. 

[00:04:55] Randi Rubenstein: But that’s why I think it can be so connecting when, and, and, but I think it’s like, if I say, oh, it’s very connecting to watch a show with your kid, or it’s very connecting to read a story that. That you’re wanting them to read so then you can truly embody and get back into the character. Remember, I think so often parents take that as, okay, now I’m just going to like, check this thing off the list,

[00:05:20] Avery Rubenstein: No, it’s about enjoying it together.

[00:05:23] Randi Rubenstein: right? It’s enjoying it together,

[00:05:25] Avery Rubenstein: Mm hmm.

[00:05:26] Randi Rubenstein: Even with the English teacher, like he’s like in that character, he’s got the hat on. He’s kind of, you know, slumped back in his seat. Like, did you feel like he was enjoying

[00:05:37] Avery Rubenstein: Yeah, it felt like he was having, he was having fun pretending to be Holden. 

[00:05:41] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah, it’s like, it’s an, it’s an authentic experience and we’re in it together. And so it’s like, you know, I’m always a little hesitant to give really strong suggestions, like, Oh, you should read these books, but the thing is, is you could read the book and then be like, well, I read that book. And then I told my kids to read it. And then you might have this agenda. Like I’m, I’m talking to parents now. And then they have this agenda. How did you feel when the character, like it,

[00:06:12] Avery Rubenstein: mm.

[00:06:13] Randi Rubenstein: That blows the whole thing,

[00:06:15] Avery Rubenstein: Yeah. No. It was, it’s, I feel like when I was younger, it was like, like I wouldn’t want to watch a show with you that you weren’t clearly enjoying. Like, I, whenever I would watch, like, my shows, which were, like, Adventure Time and stuff, and to me, they had really profound messages. I knew if I sat down and watched that with you, you would look, like, miserable the whole time. And it just takes me, and it takes me out of it, you know? 

But, like, with Gilmore Girls, you were like, next episode, next episode, next episode. You know, we binged it. And I was like, oh, she loves it. And honestly, the fact that you liked it so much, because I’d already watched the show, I

[00:06:53] Randi Rubenstein: Like three times.

[00:06:55] Avery Rubenstein: Like three times. Yeah, it made me it’s like how I re watched Game of Thrones with everyone. I love when other people enjoy it.

[00:07:01] Randi Rubenstein: Cause it’s fun to, to bond and connect through a story.

[00:07:06] Avery Rubenstein: Right. And like, yeah, and to like have a shared experience.

[00:07:11] Randi Rubenstein: I mean, think about like when we started watching Grey’s Anatomy, I

[00:07:16] Avery Rubenstein: Yeah, you’d already seen that.

[00:07:18] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah, years ago. And then we started, I had, but I’d only watched through episode 11 because you know, I couldn’t recover.

[00:07:28] Avery Rubenstein: Season 11, not

[00:07:29] Randi Rubenstein: Season 11, season 11, I only watched through season 11. Um, But when we started watching Grey’s Anatomy, it was your senior year, and it was COVID. It was, I mean, no prom, lame graduation, like, you know, the whole, all these things you had looked forward to all these years, you, I mean, you didn’t even get to have a prom.

[00:07:53] Avery Rubenstein: hmm.

[00:07:53] Randi Rubenstein: The, yeah, like the month long trip that you were supposed to take at the end of senior year, like to Israel. I mean, it had been pumped up for so long that

[00:08:04] Avery Rubenstein: For since sixth grade. Yeah.

[00:08:07] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah. That got canceled. And so everything, you know, it was, it was a bit bleak and,

[00:08:14] Avery Rubenstein: It’s a little bleak.

[00:08:16] Randi Rubenstein: Oh, and. You know, not to bring up hard things, but you were getting also a lot of disappointing rejections from colleges

[00:08:25] Avery Rubenstein: Mm hmm.

[00:08:26] Randi Rubenstein: Right? Like, and it was like, what is happening here? Like, right? And so that’s when I was like, I think we should watch Grey’s Anatomy together. I don’t think at first you were that into it because it was like an old show.

[00:08:41] Avery Rubenstein: Yeah, I wasn’t. Although I saw how pretty Meredith was and I was like, this show is so fun with their little friendship and it took me a second to get into but I liked how even when I went away to school, we would sync up episodes to watch

[00:08:55] Randi Rubenstein: Mm

[00:08:56] Avery Rubenstein: So that we yeah, and we would talk about it after. It also put a limit on our binging which was probably a good thing.

[00:09:01] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah. That was good. Cause we both, yeah. We’re, not reliable in terms of controlling our impulses when it’s something that we’re, but you do enjoy it more when you spread it out. 

The point is, I think that Um, there was something about this, like getting back into the mindset of, especially with like young teenagers, you know, right around that 13 or 14 or whenever the kid goes through puberty basically. Cause you didn’t really go through it cause when you went through puberty later, you didn’t go through that, that difficult season. 

What are you laughing about that I have to

[00:09:43] Avery Rubenstein: Calling me out

[00:09:47] Randi Rubenstein: Is that embarrassing that

[00:09:48] Avery Rubenstein: Just a late bloomer

[00:09:50] Randi Rubenstein: you were a little tiny baby for way too long? but at 13 or 14 when normal children go through puberty, um,

[00:09:59] Avery Rubenstein: What?

[00:10:01] Randi Rubenstein: I can’t believe you didn’t just call me out on that. That’s like the,

[00:10:05] Avery Rubenstein: What calling me a little tiny baby?

[00:10:07] Randi Rubenstein: No, I said at 13 or 14, when normal people go through puberty, cause I had to just like, I had to like beat a dead horse with

[00:10:14] Avery Rubenstein: Right. Yeah, no, that’s really nice. Thanks.

[00:10:16] Randi Rubenstein: Um, that’s when they, their hormones are changing and it’s like three majors, teenagers, they become difficult. They challenge you. They’re shut down. They isolate from you. Um, they are very hypersensitive to whatever it is that you are saying. Quite often they’re like, you know, they’re the, at 13 there is, and you might know more about this just based on your studies, like, like that is the stage of development when you’re going from adolescent, you know, you’re going through adolescence, you’re going from childhood to adulthood. And so it really is a pruning away season of development. 

And so, so just like how three year olds are, we have just realized, Oh, I’m not just an appendage of my mom. I’m my own person. So they, you know, we offer three year olds two positive choices a whole lot of time because we just want to empower them in easy, simple ways because their job as little developing humans is to say, I do it myself, you know, no, or I didn’t want that one or why, why, why do we have to do that?

Like they’re supposed to be challenging because that’s, you know, they’re figuring out where you stop, where they start, how much power they have in the world. Like it’s, that’s part of the deal. And I think understanding that helps parents to not take it so personally when little kids are being difficult where it’s like, and we’re doing this thing, right?

[00:11:53] Avery Rubenstein: Mm hmm.

[00:11:53] Randi Rubenstein: I’m going to, I’m not going to engage with that behavior. I’m not going to, I’m not going to give this airtime. 

And the same thing with 13 year olds. And 14 year olds, it’s like, if we, if we have kids, when they start to go through puberty, not challenging, that is like, you should feel alarmed about that because you’re supposed to be figuring out like, like, what is my identity growing into? And you’re supposed to be there, you know, the kid is supposed to be questioning, like,

[00:12:25] Avery Rubenstein: Mm hmm.

[00:12:25] Randi Rubenstein: you know, and pruning away extraneous information because they’re, they’re hopefully becoming their own person,

[00:12:32] Avery Rubenstein: Mm hmm. Mm

[00:12:34] Randi Rubenstein: and so when they are 13 and 14 and they’re mouthy and they’re, you know, trying to see how nasty they could talk to you or, um, you know, just whatever it is. Uh, and then the parent, you know, it was just like in that story that we read. It was like this poor kid was going through all these hard times. His dad, you know, in the story, his dad had like gone on this big hiking trip, his mom and not come back.

His mom was, you know, like she had her own issues going on. She just wanted to, she was just this, you know, it was just all about her chain smoking and avoiding dealing with as much as she could avoid. She was worried about money. Um, and he just felt totally unsupported. 

And, and so, you know, towards the mom, he was surly, he was difficult. He was holing up in his room a lot. He was isolating, but like, you know, think about how many parents of teenagers are looking at their kid who is shutting down, isolating, being mouthy, and it’s like, what the hell is wrong with you? What has happened? You know? And, and so to go back into a story like that and then to remember, Oh yeah, I was once 13 or 14 too.

[00:13:58] Avery Rubenstein: Mm hmm.

[00:13:59] Randi Rubenstein: I felt like this too. There’s actually probably more going on than I realize, you know?

[00:14:06] Avery Rubenstein: And the in the way that a story will paint things out in a way that you can’t always see from being like the person dealing with someone going through stuff is like. I mean, the story, like, it goes through themes of like grief, death, relationships. And like, I remember being 14 and being like, wait, I’m scared to die. And why are my friends treating me like this? And boys, like, I don’t understand. 

And it’s like, it kind of situates yourself in someone who’s like, dealing with all that for the first time. And so you can have a little empathy and be like, this is the first time someone’s having to deal with these themes in their entire lives. And like, that’s super overwhelming.

[00:14:47] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah, I feel like reading, Um, or even, I mean, if you’re not a reader, even watching something, anything that takes you back to what it felt like being a kid. Like I did this with, um, a dad recently who was going, he was doing one of our accountability assignments, which is what I call homework.

[00:15:15] Avery Rubenstein: Mm hmm.

[00:15:15] Randi Rubenstein: Everybody calls it homework and I call it, I correct everyone and call it accountability assignments. Um, but I’m like, I’m not your teacher. Like, these are just for yourself to hold yourself accountable. 

So anyway, he’s doing this assignment. And, um, and one of the things of like what triggers you a lot and he said something like, well, when my daughter, she really, ever since we joined the program, she really, she’s not very violent, but she had been very violent and the only times every once in a while she’ll like get violent with our dog and it just triggers the hell out of me.

[00:15:50] Avery Rubenstein: I remember you telling me about this.

[00:15:52] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah, and um, and so I started asking him some questions and then he remembered, um, when he was four going through this period where he had, you know, like, it was like little beloved, beloved animal after, after animal, whether it was like Guinea pigs and, um, maybe like a fish or whatever it was, but he was four and they kept dying and he

[00:16:22] Avery Rubenstein: It’s like our house.

[00:16:25] Randi Rubenstein: Can you just, okay, we’ll just side note right here. Can you name all the animals that we’ve had over the years?

[00:16:32] Avery Rubenstein: We had Spike, who was a bearded dragon. We had a lot of little turtles, I remember. We had like 18 guinea pigs, because they kept having babies, Rocket, and that was my first experience with death. Um.

[00:16:47] Randi Rubenstein: What was the, it was, wait, it was Rocket and what’s the name of the, the hockey, the hockey team?

[00:16:53] Avery Rubenstein: I don’t remember.

[00:16:55] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah, it

[00:16:56] Avery Rubenstein: I don’t remember the other one’s name. Yeah, but they would breed like rabbits. Um, we had Wheezy, we had DJ, we had Blue and Velcro Kitty. Blue, who I also was a little aggressive with to make that dad feel better. I would hold him in my mouth by the scruff of his neck.

[00:17:13] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah.

[00:17:14] Avery Rubenstein: Um, I read too many of those Warrior Cats books.

I

[00:17:18] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah. That was a great, I loved that picture where you literally thought you were still a cat and then I showed it at some point. I think you must’ve been in high school and you were like, mom.

[00:17:28] Avery Rubenstein: Way too old to be doing all that. It was

[00:17:30] Randi Rubenstein: I know, but you were only like, probably 10 or 12 when you did, maybe 10 when you did it.

[00:17:37] Avery Rubenstein: Yeah, that’s old. That’s like kind of old.

[00:17:41] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah. But when I found the picture of you holding Blue with the scruff, like as if you were the mama kitty, I want to say you were in high school and I thought it was like hilarious and adorable. And you were like, mom, Oh, you were like, that’s like, don’t ever show that picture to anyone ever.

[00:17:58] Avery Rubenstein: Oh, I sent it to my friends recently and they were like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

[00:18:04] Randi Rubenstein: So good. Um, wait, I feel like you’re missing some, I feel like at some point there was a baby duck or chicken or

[00:18:13] Avery Rubenstein: There was a, I think there was a chicken. And we also had all of our fish with Sylvia who lived for a long time until she ended her life. Um, and Alec had a ton of fish and he kept them alive, he was the best. Kodak. There were some other names that we’re not going to say on the internet. Um, but it was, yeah, he was the best at keeping the animals alive.

[00:18:41] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah. Oh, you forgot about Corduroy

[00:18:45] Avery Rubenstein: Oh yeah. I had a hamster for like five years and he was a little escape artist and with like, we would buy, that’s why we got the cats remember? Cause we were going to buy a reinforced cage cause he could get out of every cage and eventually I resorted to duct taping them shut cause he would go under our dishwasher and chew through the wires of our dishwasher.

[00:19:03] Randi Rubenstein: Or hide in the walls. Remember you go all the way over across our house to piano room.

[00:19:06] Avery Rubenstein: Was like, he was like The Littles. I found him one time in Cory’s secret room upstairs.

[00:19:13] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah. He was a complete escape artist. Okay. We digress. I don’t even remember where we were before. Oh, oh, about the dad. 

Yeah. So, so anyway, so he’s like, it just incenses me if I ever see anyone being cruel to, to little kids or, or women. He’s such a good guy. You would

[00:19:34] Avery Rubenstein: Mm hmm.

[00:19:36] Randi Rubenstein: um, or children or women or pets or animals.

and so once we started talking about like little him at four years old. And like, you know, where it kind of came from and it like shifted him a little bit into his, what did four year old him, like he couldn’t make sense of the, all these pets that he loved dying and his parents didn’t know, his mom didn’t know how to sort of shepherd him through death.

And so he was this little four year old, is everything I love just going to die? Like he says that to his mom.

[00:20:10] Avery Rubenstein: Mm hmm.

[00:20:11] Randi Rubenstein: She, you know, his memory doesn’t remember um, like her, like hugging him and holding space and, um, and helping him through that. Right. 

And so, but like even just tapping into that story, it was like, he went back into four year old him a little bit. And now all of a sudden when we’re talking about the daughter who has really done such an amazing job with, um, you know, not using other people as her human punching bags when she’s dysregulated, like she’s really, they’ve, they’ve gotten a ton of structure in the house and, and the boundaries and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And so she’s not being violent, but the one place when she’s dysregulated.

[00:20:55] Avery Rubenstein: It’s animal abuse.

[00:20:56] Randi Rubenstein: Or when she maybe wants her dad’s attention? She wants it, you know, she knows it’s like, you know, it’s like, and she’s not consciously doing it, but for some reason this, the last little bit is there’s a pattern of where she takes out her anger on her kid, on her dog.

[00:21:11] Avery Rubenstein: He, he Pavlov’d her into hit the dog, get attention from dad.

[00:21:14] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah. Accidentally. I think, I think you might’ve Pavloved that. I mean, I think that happens with older siblings to younger siblings all the time,

[00:21:22] Avery Rubenstein: Mm hmm.

[00:21:24] Randi Rubenstein: if the older kids, you know, it’s like once they, they are Pavloved into it of, I just want mom’s attention. I want mom and dad’s attention and I’ll take good, bad, whatever attention is attention. And when I’m, you know, when I’m a jerk to my siblings or hurt them. Like you could bet you can rest assured that I’m gonna get their attention and so it ends up right like like being that Pavlovian pattern.

[00:21:52] Avery Rubenstein: Mm hmm.

[00:21:53] Randi Rubenstein: But I think even just like going into it it was like then when we woke up we when we shifted back to the daughter and talking about like, okay, we’re, we’re going to disrupt this pattern and let’s figure out why the pattern is even here. Cause it could be a number of different things. Like he was now at a place where he could actually look at that because he had gone back into that mentality. Sorry. This is a little boring. It’s a little

[00:22:18] Avery Rubenstein: No, it’s okay. I just didn’t sleep great.

[00:22:21] Randi Rubenstein: Oh, okay. Okay. I think, I think, I think we beat a dead horse on why it’s important to, or why it can be a helpful tool to read books that. Or stories or watch movies somehow get truly into a story that will take you back to what it felt like when you were a kid,

[00:22:43] Avery Rubenstein: Mm hmm. Right.

[00:22:44] Randi Rubenstein: to be able to show up with your kids with more empathy and truly see their perspective, like feel it, feel it. You know, it’s not like I’m just going to memorize the script and see your perspective. It’s like, no, I really remember what it was like to be there.

[00:22:58] Avery Rubenstein: Uh huh.

[00:22:59] Randi Rubenstein: There’s so much performative parenting. I’m like, we’re not doing that here. We’re not. Y’all don’t ask me one more time for the freaking scripts. 

Um, okay. So now we’re going to segue into why you didn’t, you didn’t sleep well last night. And then before we started recording, Avery was telling me about her dream. And, um, she had had a stressful night. Okay. Well, I’m, I’m going to let you talk.

[00:23:27] Avery Rubenstein: Okay, I had a stressful night. I’m applying to grad school right now, and I have to get a certain amount of letters for recommendation. And I got an extension to submit by 9 o’clock my time last night. And I was, I’ve been texting my recommender every day for the past 5 days. Please submit. Please submit. She would always say doing it tonight doing tonight. Wouldn’t get it done.

By the time it’s like seven o’clock last night, I’m like freaking out. And like pretty much spam texting her, um, calling her. I’m sure she had like nine missed calls, eight missed calls for me. And on the verge of a panic attack, um, my boyfriend’s trying to hold space for me, but I’m just like, kind of, you know, in panic spiral. And then at 8:45, she calls me. She was like, I just got home. I didn’t have service doing it now, whatever. So it’s done. 

Even after she submitted it and there was relief, it did not lessen the anxiety in me. Like, I had so much adrenaline from like, I was just freaking out so much. And so then I went to bed, fell asleep, and I had this dream where I’m with my brothers and we’re playing this video game, like a Call of Duty type video game, which I’m horrible at, so it’s already anxious. Like, I’m button mashing. They’re really good at it. I keep dying. Like, not a good dream. 

And then they’re like Avery. What do you want to do? And I’m like, well, let’s watch Dancing with the Stars. And my dance the Dancing with the Stars episode was like this weird episode where it was like an ode to women. And it was all of these like dancers pretending to be these famous singers these famous female singers like singing these empowering songs from the discography of those singers.

And my little brother’s like, this is dumb. Like, why are we watching this? Like, this is stupid. And my older brother was like, you don’t understand how important this is. Like right now is a really hard time for women in this country. And like, we need to hear these messages. Oh, and I remember in my dream, I was like really surprised and really relieved that he would say something like this. 

And then I told my mom about it. And she was like, oh, how interesting. Your body working through emotions that were residual from the night before. If you want to get into that, mama. 

[00:25:58] Randi Rubenstein: well, that was, that was your dream last night. And it was after, so she had this whole, you know, crazy evening, so much adrenaline, so much panic, so much anxiety, um, waiting for this recommendation. And then she had a hard time settling down for sleep. She finally settles down for sleep. She has this.

And I said, what were the, what were the two main emotions you had in the dream? And she said, I said, especially that part with Alec. And she said, surprised and relieved. And I said, Um, and how did you feel about, you know, this situation with the, you know, the recommendation, um, number one, that this person that you really thought you could count on hadn’t gotten it in, and then by the end of the night. 

And Avery said, surprise, surprise. And that, you know, that she hadn’t done it. Like who, I mean, you know, it’s like, you can’t imagine if somebody is counting on you for something and you promised it. And this is a pretty, the stakes are pretty big. Like

[00:27:07] Avery Rubenstein: Right. It’s like my dream school.

[00:27:09] Randi Rubenstein: Being, yeah, like, like being scatterbrained and, you know, so surprised that cause she’s really a nice lady and, um, and loves you and is super appreciative of all that, you know, all that you have done. Right. So it was kind of, it kind of, she kind of acted like it was her, you know, it was like her pleasure

[00:27:28] Avery Rubenstein: Yeah. She was like, oh my God, I’m so excited to write this for you.

[00:27:32] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah, so So surprise and then finally got in, relieved.

[00:27:40] Avery Rubenstein: Mm hmm.

[00:27:41] Randi Rubenstein: And I said and so the reason we’re talking about this is I said so interesting how the brain works, right? Like even though it like your dream was something totally different but all 

[00:27:55] Avery Rubenstein: Right. 

[00:27:56] Randi Rubenstein: You were just, your, your brain was, it hadn’t finished working something out or it hadn’t released all these emotions that you were feeling. And so you go to sleep and it keeps working.

[00:28:07] Avery Rubenstein: And you know what’s interesting is Cory for me with women’s rights and things like that he’s usually the one I rely on to be the ally. So there was a disappointment in his character as well in my dream.

[00:28:20] Randi Rubenstein: Hmm. Hmm. That’s so interesting. And so then I had to go and dig through my cabinet and pull out the Berenstain Bears and the Bad Dream. Um, and I said, Do you remember this book? Do you, you remember reading it? I mean,

[00:28:40] Avery Rubenstein: I mean, I’ve definitely read it and I remember the cover of it, but I don’t remember what it says.

[00:28:44] Randi Rubenstein: Okay, well, I, I was rereading a bunch of these Berenstain Bears books recently and, um, and so I’ll just give a quick recap of, it goes through like their day and all the things they’re playing with and their play, they saw a Space Grizzlies movie.

[00:29:02] Avery Rubenstein: Mm hmm

[00:29:02] Randi Rubenstein: Then they’re playing and they’re creating their whole Space Grizzlies brother and sister and it’s all about, you know, the Space Grizzlies.

And then, um, he says, want to play Space Grizzlies? And she says, no way. And, and then he says, oh, come on, I’ll play any game you want if you play space grizzlies with me. And she says, any three games, which three? Paper dolls, jacks, and beanbags. Um, He says give me a break. She says take it or leave it. 

So he took it and after some lively sessions of paper dolls jacks and bean bags It was time for Space Grizzlies. And he says i’m slee i’m sleazo evil king of the universe y’all for sure love this book. evil king of the universe, roared Brother. Calling all spaceships seek and destroy the planet Mongongo home of my sworn enemy hero the magnificent 

Um, and then this is just, Oh, no, you don’t. I’m here at the magnificent one touch for my sleep on and your evil ways will be ended. They played until Mama called them for dinner. so when they go to the movies, the next evening, mama, papa, and sister got in line for the Magic Toes, which is some movie about ballet ballet and brother joined a bunch of his friends in line for Space Grizzlies.

[00:30:23] Avery Rubenstein: I remember this

[00:30:24] Randi Rubenstein: It goes on, yeah, so it goes on and talks about the Space Grizzlies and the two different stories. And then, it was dark when the bear family got home. So it was off to bed for the cubs. It was already late for sister and she went right to sleep. But brother was so excited by the movie that he lay awake for quite a while.

He was just about to doze off when sister woke up screaming, help! She screamed, they’re after me! Who’s after you? asked brother. Space Grizzlies she wailed. Thousands of them. Calm down silly head. It’s only a dream He said. The sister leaped out of bed ran into mama and papa’s room the little silly brother thought Imagine being afraid of a dopey dream then he yawned turned over and went to sleep. 

Mama and Papa tried to calm sister. They took her into their bed and hugged her Remember that picture? So cute. Um, tell us about your dream said mama. Dream? sister said. Yes, said Papa. You must have had a nightmare. That’s the word for a bad dream. But it was so real, she said, calming down a bit. That’s how it is with dreams, he said. It’s as if they’re really happening. But they’re not. They’re just in your mind. 

Can you tell us your dream? asked Mama. It was awful, Sister said. I was a ballet star dancing on my toes and then the stage turned into a giant beanbag board and the space grizzlies came out of the beanbag holes and chased me and I fell down one of the holes. I kept falling and falling and when I, and then I woke up. It was awful, she wailed again and buried her face in Mama’s nightgown.

I’m sure it was, sweetie, said Mama, but it was also very interesting. Interesting, Sister said in a puzzled voice. Oh, yes, said mama. You see, even though you go to sleep, your mind keeps right on thinking, but it doesn’t think in a sensible way. It takes all the things you were thinking or were nervous about during the day and puts them together all jumbled up like a mixed, like a mixed up jigsaw puzzle.

You mean like the ballet dancer from the movie, said sister. Sure, said Papa. And the beanbag board from playing beanbags with brother, she said, and the space grizzlies, began Mama. Were from playing space grizzlies with brother and from seeing the movie posters, sister said. Exactly, said Papa. Say, she said, that is interesting.

That’s when they heard brother. Help, he screamed. They’re after me! And then he goes on. But it was so real. Of course it was, said sister. That’s the way dreams are. Let me explain it to you and she did. 

I was like, Oh, that’s where the explanation came from. Originally the way our brains are and what dreams are really about. Like. You know, it’s like, it’s so normal for you now to be like, I had this dream. And then for me to be like, yeah, it sounds like a lot of, and, and didn’t you say that Baxter, like before you went to sleep, he was playing video game.

[00:33:20] Avery Rubenstein: I was sitting in here, what, or reading while he was playing Call of Duty.

[00:33:23] Randi Rubenstein: I mean, it’s exactly the same thing as that story. I was so like, Oh my gosh, there’s the original source of how to explain what to a kid that has a nightmare, what happens when you’re dreaming.

[00:33:38] Avery Rubenstein: Right.

[00:33:39] Randi Rubenstein: And for people to remember that You don’t accidentally gaslight the kid. Oh, monsters aren’t real, or that was just a dream, or you’re awake now.

[00:33:53] Avery Rubenstein: Mm hmm.

[00:33:53] Randi Rubenstein: in that book, they’re like, Mama’s like, oh, can you tell me about it? And, right? And then she’s like, it’s really interesting, actually. And then she

[00:34:04] Avery Rubenstein: provide an explanation. Yeah.

[00:34:07] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah, and I think most, I think, I think many of us don’t know that. Don’t know that information.

[00:34:14] Avery Rubenstein: Mm hmm. I know it’s hard. because for me it feels so like obvious to just be like well, this is why that happened instead of like being like it’s it’s fake. You know, but I guess people need to learn those tools. Everyone should read Berenstain Bears books.

[00:34:33] Randi Rubenstein: It seems obvious to you because that’s just what comes naturally because you’re like, duh. Yeah.

[00:34:40] Avery Rubenstein: Even even with Baxter when he has a nightmare and he’s like, oh, yeah, I had a weird dream and I was like tell me about it. He’s like why? I’m like Because it’ll tell you a lot about how you were feeling and he’ll tell me and it’ll be like the most stressful dream in the world. I’m like sounds like you’re feeling a little stressed. He’s like, oh. I’m like Obviously. Like I don’t understand.

[00:35:04] Randi Rubenstein: There’s so much information

[00:35:05] Avery Rubenstein: There’s so much information in dreams Mm

[00:35:08] Randi Rubenstein: I know. It is interesting. Well. Thanks for coming on and talking about all this with me.

[00:35:14] Avery Rubenstein: Of course. 

[00:35:16] Randi Rubenstein: final

[00:35:16] Avery Rubenstein: Mm hmm.

[00:35:17] Randi Rubenstein: thoughts?

[00:35:18] Avery Rubenstein: I just think if anyone’s not watching the video it was really funny because she was reading it and you kept looking up at me like this. You’d read it

[00:35:29] Randi Rubenstein: Why do you think I was doing that?

[00:35:32] Avery Rubenstein: You try to gauge my you it’s the same way that if you watch a TV show with my mom she watches you. You love other people’s reactions to things. You’re like, it’s so funny.

[00:35:46] Randi Rubenstein: It’s so true. If I’m like laughing, it’s like not enough. I want to look and make sure that you’re like, we’re sharing this experience together. You’re in it with me.

[00:35:53] Avery Rubenstein: Uh, my friend Riley does the same thing, and when I watch TV with her, I, I, I feel her gaze burning into the side of my face, and I just stare straight at the TV. I give her nothing.

[00:36:04] Randi Rubenstein: Well, Cory does the same thing. So I don’t know. I think it’s natural because he does the exact same thing. In fact, he makes me self conscious when I watch with him because you know how I can get scared very easily and jumpy.

[00:36:22] Avery Rubenstein: Yeah, she couldn’t finish Les Mis. It was too

[00:36:26] Randi Rubenstein: I’ve watched it before. I’ve watched it before, but when I, we were watching Goodfellas on the plane, Cory and I, and I hadn’t seen it in a long time and that movie is pretty violent. And

[00:36:38] Avery Rubenstein: hmm. Super

[00:36:39] Randi Rubenstein: something, yeah, like something would happen and it would just be a natural reaction where I would jump or like get startled. And he, like, he like paused it and he’s like, stop it right now. You’re ruining it.

[00:36:54] Avery Rubenstein: Because it’s a little shocking like, but Baxter it’s the same thing. It’s like anytime something scary happens the arms are up and these full body reaction. But I noticed that you I feel like it takes you out of tv sometimes because you’re nervous about other people’s reaction like when we were watching Wicked

[00:37:11] Randi Rubenstein: hmm.

[00:37:12] Avery Rubenstein: You were nervous about if cory was enjoying himself rather than

[00:37:15] Randi Rubenstein: So true. It’s really, cause I knew that he sort of reluctantly went with us. And he also was like, you know, I’m not a fan of musicals. And I’m like, but you liked La La Land. And he’s like, yeah, but I think that was the exception. So he kind of begrudgingly went with us.

[00:37:32] Avery Rubenstein: It’s definitely the musical of musicals. It was not, it was not musical light. I 

[00:37:37] Randi Rubenstein: Now I’m obsessed with Ariana Grande. I think she’s

[00:37:39] Avery Rubenstein: She’s a talent. Yeah, she’s the best. It was just such, I can’t, I’ve listened, it’s all I listened to is the soundtrack from that movie

[00:37:48] Randi Rubenstein: On Spotify? Yeah.

[00:37:49] Avery Rubenstein: on Spotify. It’s so good.

[00:37:53] Randi Rubenstein: So good. So good. And I can like read all the lyrics. Um, it’s going to be glorious. Okay. Well, until next time, bye everyone. 

Thanks for listening today, guys. I hope you picked up some tips, tools, maybe some baby steps for creating more balance and boundaries in your life. And I just wanted to let you know, if you want to continue moving the needle forward in creating this for yourself, having a happier household, I want you to go to my website and check out mastermindparenting.com. We have three beginning programs, and if you need some accountability and more support then please look for the one that would be a good fit for you.

And, as always, we’re on all the social channels under Mastermind Parenting, on Instagram it’s mastermind_parenting. And, you know, periodically I do pop up on different Instagram lives, Facebook lives where I give you teaching and coaching and I love engaging with you live to help you help your strong-willed kids so that they can feel better, because when they feel better they do better, and I love, love, love getting to know you guys. 

So thanks for listening. If you like this podcast, please don’t forget to subscribe, rate and review. Super, super appreciative.