327: What If Your Mom Just Isn’t “Your Person” Anymore?

Randi Rubenstein: [00:00:00] My name is Randi Rubenstein, and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast. At Mastermind Parenting, we’re on a mission to support strong-willed kids and the families that love them. 

Hi everyone. I have an episode this week that is actually a clip where I’m coaching a mom and we decided to put it out on the podcast. So you’re gonna have to, you’re gonna have to excuse that. It’s not the best sound quality, but I think it’s doable. I think it’s doable. So this is the introduction for it, the sound qual.

This is not gonna be the sound quality of the clip, um, but the topic was just so good and I just wanted to kind of set it up because it was part of a conversation. So a mom left a message. And she was about to go on a road trip to visit extended family, and it was traveling, was gonna be her, [00:01:00] her husband, her two little boys and her mom.

And so they were, they were actually traveling and I think the rest of her siblings were gonna be wherever they were going. So, you know, going to be with extended family sometimes can feel a little stressful. And she was feeling super annoyed by her mom. And her mom has always been her person. And it was confusing her.

Because she was running different things. She was like, I don’t know, I wanted to get some, she was just talking about something silly, like, like taking certain toys for the boys on the road trip. And her mom was like giving her pushback and basically making her, uh, seem really uptight. That she was overthinking what toys she was gonna take, which maybe she was. Let’s be fair. 

Um. But she was, she was coming on and she was, she was venting because she was a bit annoyed [00:02:00] about her mom and. When we really dug into it, it was that she was feeling a little judged by her mom and she didn’t like feeling so, I don’t know, just like uptight, she said, she was like, I used to be so cool. I used to be so laid back, and I just sometimes think like, what if I’m not a cool mom? Like what if I’m an uptight, you know, just like, like super uptight, annoying person and. 

And I said, well, who was the cool mom in your life? And it turns out that her mom was the cool mom. And so she was feeling like she wasn’t living up to who her mom was and that her mom was feeling like she needed to loosen up.

And as we really dug into it, it was interesting because, you know, you’ll hear my coaching of her. It’s that. She’s [00:03:00] been doing a lot of heal. She had a pretty traumatic childhood. She’s been doing a lot of healing, a lot of therapy, a lot of processing, and, and she loves her mom like crazy. But there’s something that’s shifting between them.

And so that’s what the coaching’s all about is what if your mom isn’t your person anymore? I know Avery, what? Avery’s here with me. Hi. Hi. Um, we’re here. We’re in California. We’re living together temporarily. 

Avery Rubenstein: Super fun. 

Randi Rubenstein: Roomies. 

Avery Rubenstein: We’re still each other’s person. 

Randi Rubenstein: I know. What do you think about that? Like if all of a sudden one day you were married and with a family and you had two little kids and, and, and you had the realization that I wasn’t your person anymore. 

Avery Rubenstein: Yeah. It’d be a little bit of a change of identity. Yeah. Probably be pretty hard to grapple with. 

Randi Rubenstein: Mm-hmm. But I break down why I think that her [00:04:00] mom, maybe at this point in time, doesn’t seem to be her person. It doesn’t mean that her mom will never be her person again, but why right now? And there’s some grief in that, you know? Mm-hmm. I mean, if all of a sudden you’re like, wait, there’s one thing I can count on. It’s my mom. She’s the most stable person. And then you’re at this stage of life where you’re trying to figure out, you know, how to be a mom yourself and, and then you realize right now, for this season of life, my mom’s not my person. I mean. That’s, 

Avery Rubenstein: yeah, I’d probably have to grieve that. Mm-hmm. That sounds really hard. 

Randi Rubenstein: Yeah. Mm-hmm. Um, so in, when I kind of break down why it seemed like all the sign, my hypothesis was that for right now, her mom doesn’t seem to be her person. Um, again, I’m not saying, you know, excommunicate your mom, [00:05:00] cut her off. That’s not what I was saying at all. It’s just she doesn’t need to know all the things. 

I used a metaphor, which I wanna give credit, where I heard this metaphor. I heard this metaphor first. I, I am sure it wasn’t the exact same metaphor because I’ve massaged it and made it my own. Um, but I thought it was so good. I, I learned it from Martha Beck years ago, and it’s the penthouse metaphor. But I’m giving credit because, and Martha probably heard it, I don’t know if she made it up or if she heard it from someone else. It seems like, uh, that happens where you hear a story and then it gets watered down and watered down and watered down.

But I’m giving credit where credit is due. Um, especially based on everything that has been going on with Mel Robbins ever since she wrote the Let Them Theory. If you don’t know about that controversy, have a good time googling that and going down a rabbit hole. ’cause. It’s a little alarming. Um, and I do believe that we give credit [00:06:00] where credit is due.

So I’ve loved this penthouse metaphor. I think you guys are gonna love it too. That was a lot of the reason why I decided to share this coaching clip, because after I left this. Several of the people who heard this message from me back to this mom said, oh, I love that metaphor. And I said, you’ve never heard it before. And they hadn’t heard it, so I thought maybe you guys would wanna hear the penthouse metaphor. 

So there’s a little, there’s a little, uh, carrot that I’m dangling for you to continue listening. It’s a pretty short clip. Um, but I think it’s packed with a lot of good stuff. Um, and. The last thing I’ll say is, and Avery, I wanna hear what your, what your feelings are on this. You know, I think when you have adult children, which now I’m sitting here with an adult child, do you feel like an adult, 

Avery Rubenstein: not always. 

Randi Rubenstein: 24. She just turned 24 at the end of [00:07:00] June. Mm-hmm. So she’s an adult. Her brain’s almost cooked. Got a few more years, but it’s getting close. 

Avery Rubenstein: Thanks. 

Randi Rubenstein: It’s getting close. Um, and I think that as your kids grow up and become adults. The mistake that a lot of parents of adult children make is that they never learned that they were not supposed to be the sage on the stage. They were meant to be the guide on the side. 

Avery Rubenstein: What do you mean? Like not supposed to be dictating every life dec decision 

Randi Rubenstein: When you have little kids. Like they think, you know, I use the Taylor Swift analogy all the time, so they think they’re at a Taylor Swift concert and you’re Taylor and they want to be with Taylor. They want Taylor’s attention. They want as much as of Taylor as they can possibly get. 

Avery Rubenstein: Mm-hmm. 

Randi Rubenstein: So it’s easy to be. You know [00:08:00] you since you’ve got that main character energy, because your little kids see you as that, it’s easy to be center stage a lot of the time, and to become the sage on the stage, the one who’s imparting all the wisdom, teaching all the lessons, you think that it is you that should be in the spotlight.

But the truth of the matter is, is that raising kids, even though the kids look at you like you’re, you know, the, the main actor on the stage, they are the main actors on the stage in their own lives. Everyone gets to be the main actor in your own life. And so, so as kids grow. I mean, it’s what we want when we teach kids to have agency, when we teach kids to do things for themselves, that’s us being the guide on the side.

That’s, uh, the kids constantly saying, you be the sage on the stage. Do it for me. Tell [00:09:00] me what to do. How should I do? And, and you have to, it’s like this, you know, it’s this dance to know, um, you got this. 

Avery Rubenstein: Right. Right. Without, without like abandonment or anything, but. 

Randi Rubenstein: Right, like you got this, like I’m here for pointers. I’m here for guidance. But you get to be your own sage on the stage. Yeah. And I’ll be the guide on the side. Totally. And I think that a lot of parents make the mistake of being that sage on the stage and then they kind of get. Hooked on that. You know, it’s almost like the, the, it’s like the washed up, you know, the, it’s like the washed up rockstar mm-hmm. Who won’t, doesn’t realize like nobody’s coming to see you anymore. Right, 

Avery Rubenstein: right. Like the mom holding the video camera, doing the mean girls dance. 

Randi Rubenstein: Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. And so and so as you are the guide on the side, when [00:10:00] your kids grow up and become adults. Um, like you’re, you’re, you’re encouraging them to be the main character.

Mm-hmm. And so yesterday Avery and I had kind of a momentous evening where she was able to be a big girl and bought her first car. And um, and we were talking last night on the way home from the dealership. Uh, she, what did you say? I’ll let you tell the story a little bit. 

Avery Rubenstein: I just said that was so much fun and, uh, like surprisingly fun because I think it’s well known that going to a dealership is the worst and buying a car is the worst and they make it difficult and they keep you there for two hours and whatever.

But well, learning the skill of being firm negotiation, and. Learning it by doing it [00:11:00] myself, but with my parents in my ear giving me, you were, it was actually perfect practice of exactly what you just described. Mm-hmm. Like, and I’m glad that dad wasn’t there ’cause it wouldn’t, he can be sage on this stage a little bit sometimes, but Over functioner.

Over functioner. But yeah, just kind of being like me saying I’m not sure what to say. And you just saying, be firm. Tell ’em you wanna get out of there in 20 minutes. And I was like, yeah, don’t keep us around. We wanna be outta there in 20 minutes. And I was the one relaying the message. And then we got there and we were met with kindness and they got us outta there and like, pretty quick.

Randi Rubenstein: Yeah. 

Avery Rubenstein: Less than an hour. 

Randi Rubenstein: Yeah. Um, and she negotiated it via text and on the phone. Yeah. I got the 

Avery Rubenstein: price down 

Randi Rubenstein: and she was really able to, you know, to to, to handle it. And she said on the way home, she was like, that was so fun. Yeah. 

Avery Rubenstein: And I got to practice a little bit. Being an asshole, which doesn’t come [00:12:00] supernaturally to me all the time, but it was like a little bit, it felt good to be like, Hey, I can be like, firmness and kindness are not antonyms. You know? I can be firm and it can be received well. 

Randi Rubenstein: That’s called PAC Leadership. 

Avery Rubenstein: So true 

Randi Rubenstein: firm and loving 

Avery Rubenstein: how Full circle is that guys? 

Randi Rubenstein: Mm-hmm. Pack leadership, leadership Pack leadership to buy the car. Um, and it was interesting, right before we headed over to the dealership, it was the last day of the month and we had been looking at cars and I was kind of surprised because I know this is not my first rodeo. And so I said to her yesterday. I can’t believe they never reached back out. And the 

Avery Rubenstein: text that I had responded to was like, they had sent me an original deal and I had sent them my like being like, no, give us something. Another, basically it was well worded, but they never responded to be being like, Hey, let’s negotiate. It was super weird. It was 31st. 

Randi Rubenstein: Yeah, it was so weird. So I just had said to [00:13:00] her, that’s so weird. So next thing you know. We have the general manager of the dealership. It’s the evening of the last day of the month and the way car dealerships work is some, they have to make their numbers and that’s how they get their bonuses. And so he reached out to us and well, he 

Avery Rubenstein: had emailed me and I’d kind of blown it off ’cause it seemed like one of those automated emails, but it was like, let me know if you need anything or like how my team’s doing. So I emailed him back and I was like, I was like, good evening. Please ask your team to reach out. Kindly Avery. And I was like, oh, that was kind of jerky. I liked it. Um, and then he called us 

Randi Rubenstein: and he called us. And so as we’re, you know, so then, so she was, she was, she was doing the negotiating and, and being a very big girl. Um, so then, so then I said, wait. Let me have the phone. ’cause I wanted to convey we are not coming and [00:14:00] spending our entire evening. So I said, hi, this is Avery’s mom. That’s how I introduced myself. This is Avery’s mom. 

I almost feel like this episode should be, or we should name something. Hi, this is Avery’s mom. Because that is, I’m not the sage on the stage. I’m, this car is not for me. I’m not the one buying it. I’m not the one negotiating it. This is all her. So now that I’m getting on the phone, I’m just Avery’s mom here, right? You don’t even need to know what my name is. Right. Like I’m here to support her. 

Avery Rubenstein: Mm-hmm. 

Randi Rubenstein: And so I said, hi, I’m Avery’s mom, this is, you know, obviously I’ve bought a few cars in my life and I know how this works and I don’t wanna go and spend a million years with finance people trying to sell me, you know, every upsell under the sun and we’re not gonna spend our entire evening in a car dealership. And he, and, and he was, I mean. I’m not the hugest [00:15:00] fan of car salespeople. He was delightful, delightful, delightful. 

Avery Rubenstein: Lovely man. 

Randi Rubenstein: Also a Frenchy owner. So we had that. We found that out. I mean, there you go. Um, Eric, he was delightful and he said, hi, Avery’s mom. And honestly, I don’t know if he ever fully got my name. It didn’t matter. It it like, it didn’t matter. Eric and I bonded. We all loved Eric. It was a lovely experience and I was just there to be Avery’s mom. 

Avery Rubenstein: Mm-hmm. 

Randi Rubenstein: I was just there to be Avery’s mom. Mm-hmm. Hi, I’m Avery’s mom, so guide on the side. That is the role and that’s the real, I think, takeaway as you hear me coaching this mom in my group. Um, is, I’m not sure her mom, I’m not, I mean, I don’t know her mom, but I’m not sure her mom, and I think a lot of moms of [00:16:00] adult women and probably adult men, they don’t know how to be their kid’s mom. They want to continue being that sage on the stage. They want to be the main character. 

And it’s like step aside. In, in this, you can be the main character in your own life, but in this realm, when it comes to your adult children and it comes to supporting them, just be the guide on the side. Just be their mom. Just be their mom. Let them be the main characters. All right, so enjoy this coaching clip and until next time, bye for now.

Avery Rubenstein: Bye guys. 

Randi Rubenstein: It’s interesting to see what this kind of has devolved into. This is all about what your mom thinks of you. people have to earn the right to hear our stories. You know, where your mom’s been, your person. And I’m [00:17:00] wondering if as you shift and change, you know, your mom is, is saying things because the people around us when we grow and change.

Have you ever heard my, the, the penthouse analogy? It’s like as you grow and change and evolve, you know, you’re going up in an apartment building and all the people that you’ve cared about are in the elevator with you and. You’ve got the penthouse and you’re like, it’s huge. It’s beautiful. The views are amazing.

Like there’s room for all of us come and you know, every floor people are getting out. You’re like, why are you getting out here? They’re like, I’m good on the second floor. I’m good on the fifth floor. I’m good on the sixth floor. Well, why those are like unfinished tenement apartments. I’m up like, I’m [00:18:00] in a lap of luxury.

There’s, I’ve got a room for you. Come be with me. And they’re like, no, I’m good. And it’s sort of. Heartbreaking. Right. And we’re trying to convince them why they should be on, come up to the penthouse, come see, come, come, come, come with. But they’re like, no, I’m good. And frankly, I, I don’t, I I think it’s dangerous up there.

I don’t think it should go up there. I don’t like how high. It’s, it’s beautiful. Come, just come check it out. No, no, no. Why don’t you stay down here with me. You know, when we change, we want the people around us to change too. And most of the people, they’re in their familiar, you know, so for your mom, she didn’t ask you to change.

She’s used to the family dynamic being what it was. She’s used to old Monique, you know, who. [00:19:00] Played a certain role in the family and, saw her as the good parent, whatever it is. And she’s used to you being old. Monique. Of course, this is your story, so feel free to edit it.

It’s just a hypothesis and it seems like you keep including her, right? because she’s been your person to confide in and when you needed her. To save the day or to comfort you when you were breaking down or whatever it was. you know, she knows how to do that, but supporting, growing, evolving. Pack Leader, mama Bear, Monique, living this wholesome life.

With your little family and your sweet husband and your adorable boys, and being a really responsible mom and, you know, trying like hell not to lose your shit and not to, you know, scare the shit outta your [00:20:00] kids and like really making home a safe place. Really trying to do what you need to do to have a regulated nervous system, trying to find the best schools for your kids and all the things.

Right. Maybe she doesn’t know how to be the mom to that version of you. So she makes these comments and she’s not doing ’em intentionally, but she, she wants things the way they were. And so maybe it’s that, you know, she says these little things and it undermines your confidence, and now all of a sudden it annoys you because when things annoy us.

’cause some kind of boundary has been crossed. You’re confiding in her and instead of being your mom and meeting you where you are and growing with you and loving, the Monique 2.0 that you have grown into, she says these little things [00:21:00] that leave you feeling like you need to prove to her, no, no, no.

That’s not the way it is. Right? Like, see me, love me, choose me, like see who I am now. it’s almost like there’s some unintentional gaslighting that’s maybe happening. Like, she’s going go back to the Monique that I’ve known. Be less confident. I, I’m, I’m afraid that the Monique you’re growing into won’t need me as much.

So she says these little things and they annoy you because they’re not supportive. Does this land or is this completely off base? Um, ’cause if it lands. Then I think what your body with the annoyance is telling you, it’s not about being the cool mom. Maybe it’s about not proving that you’re the cool mom to your mom.

maybe it’s about [00:22:00] having more boundaries with your mom. Maybe she’s not your person to tell all the things too. Maybe she doesn’t need to know all the details of your life. Because her responses even about something as silly as toys in the car, is in some way chipping away at maybe your confidence or it just doesn’t feel supportive.

So yeah. I know it’s really frustrating when we change and we want our parents to change with us and to see the new us, um, and they refuse. To me, that’s just a sign of having an emotionally amateur parent who doesn’t want anything to change. She doesn’t wanna stop being the nucleus of the family.

She doesn’t want to stop. You know, living her familiar. And, um, [00:23:00] I have adult children, so I can say, it’s just not the way, it’s not what your adult children need from you. they need you to meet them where they are and, I have little patience for grandparent fragility or, you know, parents of adult children who have, who are emotionally immature and have some fragility and don’t meet their kids where they are.

Thanks for listening today, guys. I hope you picked up some tips, tools, maybe some baby steps for creating more balance and boundaries in your life. And I just wanted to let you know, if you want to continue moving the needle forward in creating this for yourself, having a happier household, I want you to go to my website and check out mastermindparenting.com. We have three beginning programs, and [00:24:00] if you need some accountability and more support then please look for the one that would be a good fit for you.

And, as always, we’re on all the social channels under Mastermind Parenting, on Instagram it’s mastermind_parenting. And, you know, periodically I do pop up on different Instagram lives, Facebook lives where I give you teaching and coaching and I love engaging with you live to help you help your strong-willed kids so that they can feel better, because when they feel better they do better, and I love, love, love getting to know you guys. 

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