329: Want Confident Kids? Growing Resilient Kids with Dr. Kate Lund

AUDIO MMP 329 – Kate Lund

Randi Rubenstein: [00:00:00] My name is Randi Rubenstein, and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast. At Mastermind Parenting, we’re on a mission to support strong-willed kids and the families that love them. 

Hi everyone. I am here this week with Kate Lund. She’s a psychologist, , she’s an author. She’s doing many big things. She’s a podcaster and um, and really I just wanna have a conversation about this work that you do, these books that you’re writing, um, what you have to teach us about resilience.

I think many of us have heard that concept. We know it’s important. Um, I’m hoping that we can kind of break it down and unpack it and help everyone listening to this to just walk away understanding why we want to build resilience in our kids and. Maybe a few tips on how do we [00:01:00] actually do it. So thanks for being here today and talking to me about all these important concepts.

Dr. Kate Lund: Amazing. Well, thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate it.

Randi Rubenstein: okay. So where I really wanted to get started, why are you teaching this? Why is this work important to you? Where does it come from? Tell me more about that.

Dr. Kate Lund: Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And so it’s very important to me. It’s sort of at the core of who I am as a person, and that really started developing, I’m, I’m convinced back when I was four. I was diagnosed with a medical condition called hydrocephalus, which essentially is when the cerebral spinal fluid doesn’t circulate as it should causing pressure to build up on the brain.

So, the imaging technology wasn’t so great, so it was back in the mid seventies, so they really couldn’t figure out, they didn’t know why I had gotten so sick so suddenly, um, really bad headaches, no balance, throwing up in the middle of the night, and it took a really long [00:02:00] time for folks to figure it out.

It was really, really a challenging, obviously, situation for, for me as the kid not knowing what was going on as well as my parents. The good news is that hydrocephalus can be managed with something called a shunt. Um, it’s a drain essentially that’s inserted in the ventricles of the brain that then circulates the fluid, uh, for the person with the hydrocephalus.

So, you know, I got a shunt when I was four and a half and have had it ever since. And that the good news is when it works, it’s great, right? Uh, but in childhood particularly, they break. Um, so there was a lot of hospitalization. There was a lot of coming back to school, looking different, feeling different. I often had like half a head of, you know, half of my head was shaved. I had these big glasses, you know, it was just, it was tough stuff. 

And so I had a great support system and I was really helped to [00:03:00] focus on what I could do as opposed to what I couldn’t do. And I think that really helped me to figure out, okay, there are gonna be these challenges. There are these the, there are these things that are really, really hard, but I can circumvent it. I can figure out a way forward. And I think that idea was really integrated, instilled in me very early and it’s just developed ever since. 

And then of course became a psychologist. Did a lot of work in my early life as a psychologist, my early training with kids with major medical issues. Uh, worked in a pediatric burn hospital for a couple years. So really kind of merged my own experiences early on. Kept it in my head. Obviously wasn’t sharing it with patients, but you know, it was sort of a, a foundation for where I was coming from. 

And I think the, the way that I then was able to help folks kind of articulate, well, this is awful, this is hard, this is a challenge. How can I move [00:04:00] forward? What is it that I can do to help me maximize my pot potential within my own unique context? The context which might have shifted. So that’s a really long-winded story of why resilience, why I am so passionate about all of this, and you know why I am, I’m focused on this work.

Randi Rubenstein: Well, I don’t think it’s long-winded. I could go down many rabbit holes in your story. I think your story is fascinating and. Like to have such early experiences, I mean, what, , what does a 4-year-old understand about having to go into the hospital? And, and I’m guessing what got you there was you were already having a lot of headaches at four as a young child. 

Dr. Kate Lund: Yeah, I was, I, I got, I got pretty sick when I was four, just like out of the blue. I mean, I had been fine right? And just started getting really bad headaches. And how does a 4-year-old really [00:05:00] articulate a headache? It would be like my forehead hurts, and then I would throw up all over the place because the pressure in that moment in my head was, was way too high.

You know, I don’t remember exactly how I understood it. I just knew that, you know, one day I was in a CAT scanner, which was very archaic in those days. And, you know, getting giant shots to, you know, and it was, it was frightening. It was, it was very frightening. Um, but again, I was very fortunate in that I did have a strong, um, strong support system in, in my parents. I had some very close friends. Their parents, teachers at school were always very kind to me when I came back, so it was awful. It was hard. But I did have that support on the other side, which was, which was very fortunate.

Randi Rubenstein: Obviously no parent wants their kids to be diagnosed with a severe medical condition. I mean, it’s kind of every parent’s worst [00:06:00] nightmare. And I think that you talking about your support system, like the fact that your parents showed up and sort of shepherd you, shepherded you through that. 

Like a little kid is going through scary things. And your parents, I often refer to this term pack leadership. Like every kid wants to know like they got me, right? So, so here you are going through some really, really scary experiences as a young child who can’t probably understand what’s happening to me, and your parents, are going through like a nightmare and they’re able to show up for you and to help you feel held and safe and supported, like that’s a pretty big deal.

Dr. Kate Lund: Yeah, absolutely, i, I couldn’t agree with you more. And you know, I, I reflect back on that these days, right? In [00:07:00] my own work and also in, um, some volunteer work that I do. I, I work out at Seattle Children’s Hospital as a volunteer these days, with my dog Wally, who I’d always wanted to, uh, train a dog to be, uh, a therapy dog who could visit, um, in pediatric hospitals. And I did that with my dog Wally, who’s about to turn four. 

And, um, it’s awesome. You know, we go out there and I see that exactly what you’re talking about, you know, each, each time that we’re at the hospital, you know, seeing parents in situations that I imagine my own parents were in back in the day and seeing how they’re showing up for their kids. And then, you know, in those moments that Wally and I are there, I think make, we make a big difference for both the kid as well as the parents. You know, sometimes the child will be kind of in a place where they don’t really want a dog visit. But the parent inevitably will come out in the hall and have their own [00:08:00] visit with Wally.

And, and so yeah, it’s, it’s so important what parents can give back to their kids in these situations. And then how we can figure out, ’cause this is a lot of the work I do these days, supporting the parents, you know, to help them be as resilient as they can from the inside out, not only for their own sense of wellbeing, but for their kids.

Randi Rubenstein: And if you could define the term resilience. Like how, how would you define that?

Dr. Kate Lund: Yeah. You know, that’s a great question and it’s a question I get a lot and it’s, you know, oftentimes folks think of resilience as sort of bouncing back from a challenge. But really I’m looking at it more broadly than that. It’s really how do we integrate kind of strategies, a way of living into our day to day that’s gonna help us to maximize our potential within our own unique context.

And, you know, that’s [00:09:00] really how I’m looking at resilience. It’s more like a, a lifestyle or a way of being, uh, day to day. And obviously at points it’s gonna be easier than others. And, you know, challenges are inevitable. They’re gonna pop up, but it’s really more of a integrated way of living as opposed to just bouncing back from like a, a challenge here and there, you know. 

Randi Rubenstein: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You know, it was interesting. I, I’ve gone down, uh, do you remember the show? Survivor?

Dr. Kate Lund: Yes, yes.

Randi Rubenstein: Okay. So Survivor, I didn’t realize until the summer is still on the air. 

Dr. Kate Lund: I, I didn’t realize that either. It’s crazy.

Randi Rubenstein: I think it’s now season 49. Okay. So I watched, I watched Survivor like 20 something years ago, back when it first started. I think many of us, that was before reality shows were really a thing and and many of us watched Survivor. And so I think I watched like the first three seasons and then somebody [00:10:00] said, you’ve gotta watch season 48 of Survivor. And I was like, season 48, that show’s still on the air. I didn’t even know it was still on the air. 

So this summer I watched season 48 with two of my kids, my young adult kids, and obsessed. Okay. We were obsessed. And the reason why season 48 was so impactful is one of the participants has autism. And or is autistic. I don’t know the correct terminology. And she doesn’t, you don’t know she has autism until she confides in her alliance. 

And so it’s really interesting. So she gets out there and all you know about her is that she’s this, this, young woman and she is fit and she’s an athlete and she connects with this older man [00:11:00] who’s a firefighter, who’s just this incredible guy, Joe. And so Eva is the, is the young woman. And so Eva and Joe, they, they form this bond, this alliance early on. And um, he’s almost like a big brother or kind of a father figure to her. And he’s just a good guy. And she confides in him early on and she says, I have autism. 

And so what we knew about her was that she played on an all male hockey team. She was just like this fit and, and strong competitor. Um, and she said, I, um, I have autism. And sometimes my system gets overwhelmed. And when it does, um. Like, you might see my hands start doing a thing. And so she told, she’s like, she’s self advocating. And so she says, she describes what happens to her when her system is flooded and she’s overwhelmed and maybe she’s headed [00:12:00] towards like a neuro crash, right? And so Joe says, what can I do? What can I do to support you? 

You know, eventually she told everyone that she had autism. Um, but the message throughout was my parents taught me there is nothing wrong with me. My autism is a part of me.

Dr. Kate Lund: Yes. That’s such a great point that I love this. We can have something, we can have a condition, we can have something like, like this young woman with autism, uh, and it’s a part of us, right? It’s not the thing, the singular thing that defines us. And I think that’s a really important message, um, for kids to get early on really about anything, but particularly if there’s a challenge, like a medical thing or a, you know, something that sets them apart as different, either noticeably or, you know, perhaps on an invisible level. 

 Autism can, can come across [00:13:00] that way and, and hydrocephalus as well. Right. Um, my head wasn’t shaved when you know it, and it, it took me a while to be fully comfortable with, um, you know, talking to others about it because it was such a sort of central part of my childhood that when I was good, when things were going well, I didn’t wanna deal with it. You know, I just didn’t wanna, I didn’t want it to be at the forefront. And so that was another piece that, that helped me kind of strike a balance. 

But the reality was it wasn’t going away. Right. And when I was 18, for example, they figured out why I had the hydrocephalus and it happened to be a brain tumor that was blocking the aqueduct. And the imaging back in the day when I was younger wasn’t good enough to see it. 

And obviously I’m extremely fortunate, it was low grade, right? It was, but it was still getting bigger, and so [00:14:00] they had to do something about it. So between 18 and 19, I had basically a year of hospitalization, surgery. It was after that point that I was able to integrate more on an adult level and be able to share these experiences over time when it felt like it was necessary. Otherwise it was sort of off the table, if that makes sense. 

But it’s striking a balance in a way that works. Um, because it’s always gonna be a part of you and where that part of you is gonna live is something to, to kind of figure out over time and it might shift or change. But the important piece as you were describing with the survivor story is yeah, not to let it define you and to recognize all of the other aspects of yourself as a human being or, or you know, whatever it is you wanna do, your ability to see possibility on the other side of the challenges that you face, [00:15:00] and to go after your dreams and your goals and, and not be held back by, by the things that are hard.

Randi Rubenstein: I would love for you to talk about the trampoline story, do you know? Yeah. I loved, I I heard you on another podcast and um, and that story really stuck out to me.

Dr. Kate Lund: Oh boy. Yes. The trampoline story. That was, that was, that was a hard one because, you know, so I was 12, right? And I, I had probably just had a hospitalization or I probably just had something, but I was invited to this birthday party and really at that time, right? So everyone in that period of my life knew this thing about me because I was in and out of the hospital and I was always, you know, but again, when things were good, I, I didn’t wanna think about it.

So I was at this birthday party and I, I, frankly, I knew that I shouldn’t go on the trampoline. And it’s, it’s one of the things, you know, there’s certain things I really can’t do. Like, I can’t go [00:16:00] on crazy upside down rides. I couldn’t do gymnastics. I just shouldn’t be upside down, all these things. I knew that the, the equilibrium on the trampoline would be an issue, but in that moment, I, I threw caution to the wind and I got on the trampoline and I bounced with the other girls.

You know, I was a 12th birthday party who wouldn’t wanna bounce with the other girls, right? And I did. And for a while it was great. Like I was bouncing and I was having fun, and it was good. It was all good. But then it wasn’t good. I mean, literally the world started spinning and I got really sick. I was like flat out for like a week, um, really, really messed with my equilibrium.

And it was really sad. I was really upset, you know, but I also recognized that, after a little thought later on that, oops, really shouldn’t have done that. And I guess a lesson looking back, and it was when I integrated pretty quickly after that point, I had to live [00:17:00] within my own context. I had to, I knew the boundaries, right? I knew what was gonna be good for me and what wasn’t gonna be good for me, or what was gonna push me over the edge, which that did. And, um, so, regained my equilibrium, luckily. Cause at that point I was so sick. I mean, I was like, you know, spinning and it was bad.

Um, but I think really, uh, it highlighted for me this idea that living within your own context is, is key. And there’s always space to do that, you know, and really defining what it is that’s gonna help you be at your best or maximize your potential or whatever. 

One thing that kind of goes along with that story is the fact that, you know, I couldn’t play contact sports. I really wanted to be a hockey player. I thought it would be really cool to play hockey like my brother or some of my friends, but that was out because could’ve fallen or gotten hit in the head or whatever. [00:18:00] So I became a tennis player, tennis non-contact. Some of my best friends to this day are people that I played tennis with back in the day. Really, um, give credit to the support that I got on the courts because it was pretty good. I was never the best, but I was, I was pretty good. 

And, um, my friend’s parents really supported me. My own parents really supported me in that, and that was something that I could really do to maximize my own potential and my own identity as a kid who, yeah, I’ve got this thing, I can’t bounce on trampolines. But I can do this and I can, I’m, I’m, I’m okay. You know? I’m pretty good at it. And it’s, it’s fun and it makes me feel, feel like I’m a part of. So, yeah, that was, that was the trampoline story. And it was, it was an ugly story. Ugly time.

Randi Rubenstein: Right. And I think it’s so easy as parents to, think about, well, I don’t want my kid to feel less than, you know? Right. Like, I don’t want my kid to, to feel other, I [00:19:00] don’t want my kid to be the only one who can’t jump on the trampoline or can’t, like, what’s that gonna do to their self-esteem? 

But really it’s like, well, you went through this experience and, and, and then you had a week of hell it sounds like. And that was pretty impactful. I mean, my hunch is, is that you tested the waters at 12. Because that’s what you’re supposed to do in adolescence, right? Like you’re, you’re pruning away, okay, I’ve gotten all these lessons all these years. Now I’m trying to figure out who am I growing into being? Um, what lessons do I wanna keep with me and where do I wanna kind of test the waters? I mean, that is sort of right, the nature of adolescence. And so probably like all the messages you had gotten up until that point was trampolines are off the table for you.

Dr. Kate Lund: Right. 

Randi Rubenstein: Here you are and all the other girls are jumping. And so you [00:20:00] threw caution to the wind and you did it, and then unfortunately you paid the price, and okay, trampolines are off the table for me, right. After that, like you really got it. Hockey’s off the table. What is on the table for me? Right. And so then, and then you had this amazing experience and I think you’re really humble because I also heard you talk about tennis and didn’t you go to college and play tennis in college?

Dr. Kate Lund: I did. Yeah. Yeah, I did. 

Randi Rubenstein: So, so you were pretty good. I would say you were very good. I mean, to be able to play tennis in college, you gotta have a certain skill, um, skill level, I mean, so there’s that. So here you are, like the kid growing up with hydrocephalus and you became a good enough tennis player to play tennis in college.

Dr. Kate Lund: Yes. Yeah, it was, I was [00:21:00] pretty fortunate, you know, and I, I, i, I had the opportunities to play and I, I feel actually really grateful, um, about my ability to play in college, particularly because the year before I went to college, this, when I was a senior in high school, I was captain of my tennis team in high school and everything was going well, and it was that spring that I kind of wasn’t feeling very well. Right. I, I was, and, and that’s when the, uh, MRI with Gadolinium had just come out. And they’re like, Hmm, she’s not feeling very well. We’ve got this great imaging technology now. Why don’t we have her have an MRI? And that’s when they saw the tumor. And who knows if the tumor was really doing anything at that point, but I wasn’t feeling well, so we addressed it.

And so took a year off between high school and college and was very, very sick. Um, so the fact that, that I was able to recover, really, I, I felt grateful about that and get back to the point where I, where I could play in college. [00:22:00] Um, and that they still, still took me on the team. ‘Cause there too, I, um, I was, I was on the team and I played, and I was a pretty good practice partner for the number one singles player on the team. Um, but I was not, you know, at that level necessarily. 

But it didn’t matter ’cause that’s the thing, like, that’s the message that, you know, and I give my own voice this message as well, as long as you’re playing within your own unique context, doing the best that you can, being a good teammate, you know, you’re, you’re part of it. Right? And, and that’s oftentimes enough, you know, you don’t have to be the top dog necessarily, right? 

Um, so I don’t know. I think that was a really important, um. Lesson that I learned as well there. And I hope that, um, you know, moving forward, I mean, I, I, I loved, loved, loved my time in college and I loved the fact that I was able to be a part of that team. Um, for as long, you know, as I was, I started my sophomore year. I [00:23:00] needed a minute to take back up to speed, but yeah, it was awesome.

Randi Rubenstein: I mean, it’s pretty, I mean, it’s a pretty inspiring story and I, I love what you pointed out, like, okay, I wasn’t, I wasn’t, gonna be the best. It wasn’t about necessarily being the best, but it was about being, being a part of a team. It was right, like I was a great practice partner for the number one. I made lifelong connections, people I’m still friends with to this day. Like what are we valuing? Do you need to be the best at everything or is it enough a lot of times to just be a part of it?

Dr. Kate Lund: Exactly. I think that’s such a great point. And that’s, that’s really where I fall out, right? Because that’s what my, my life experience has taught me. And I think that in modeling it for my boys, I really believe that that’s [00:24:00] been, been helpful for them, um, as they’ve moved through, they’re 18 now and, um, they’re kind of, you know, grappling with these college decisions and, you know, where they fall out on their crew teams and all of this. And they’re probably a little bit more focused on being at the top of the pack than, than I was, and that’s fine, right? It’s just that message of doing their best within their own unique context, whatever that looks like for them, that’s really stuck and I think has made a difference for each of them. 

And I think, I think it’s, it’s an important message to instill early, regardless of who the kid is. Because the reality is not everybody’s gonna be the best. Not everyone’s gonna be able to be at the top of the pack. So, you know, to see the other strengths and attributes that they’re bringing to the table across domains, I think is, is essential for, for overall sense of wellbeing and just in general.

Randi Rubenstein: And like why is it [00:25:00] important to be at the top of the pack? Like what, you know, it’s like the obsession with being number one and being the best when as human beings. Don’t we all want, I mean, we’re pack animals, like don’t we want to be? I mean it’s, I feel like in so many ways we’ve lost the plot, right?

Like to be a part of something and to know that you’re never going to, to be a winning team if everyone is just vying for number one, like everybody’s got their strengths and they bring different skill sets to the team. And so, you know, I, I, I just think that it’s, there’s so much focus on winning and being the best and where’s your class ranking and who’s recruiting you and, and, and really like, I think sometimes maybe being number one or striving for that makes [00:26:00] people feel, yeah, I might have an impressive resume or a lot of trophies, but does that person actually feel quite alone?

Dr. Kate Lund: Right. It’s, it’s really right. It’s, it’s really, I believe, playing, for the joy of it from the inside out. Right. As opposed to those external accolades. Because yeah, I know, you know, I’ve worked with kids too, who, they really, I don’t think had that drive from the inside out. It was more like the trophies they were getting and the accolades. And then, you know, eventually that always stops, right? You’ve got to ultimately stand on your own two feet and kind of take a passion or, um, you know, a skill and a sport or what have you, whatever it is, forward without that external validation. 

And, you know, it, it sometimes it develops earlier rather than later, um, and sometimes it’s more of a process. For [00:27:00] me, I think I got it early because of my experiences, because of the things I couldn’t do as opposed to those that I could. Um, but yeah, I think it’s, it’s an important message for all of our kids, I think, you know, and. I, I think, uh, it’s, it’s benefited our boys who, who, you know, don’t have the, the physical stuff that I had. Um, but you know, they’ve, they’ve, everyone’s got challenges, right? And to, to integrate those in a way that allows you to be at your best, I think is the most important piece. You know, most important thing we can really offer our kids.

Randi Rubenstein: To be at your best doesn’t necessarily mean being the best.

Dr. Kate Lund: That’s precisely the point. Exactly. 

Randi Rubenstein: That’s such an interesting point, you know. And if we, if we really think, and you know, I coach parents all the time, and when we get into the nitty gritty why parents so often I think find it unbearable when their kids are [00:28:00] experiencing upset or discomfort. Right, like even down to, right, i, I just coached a mom who is, she just recently weaned her 2-year-old. He just turned two and now he’s, she’s going through like, like trying to, you know, he’s learning how to basically go to sleep and soothe himself when he was used to being soothed by her for his whole life.

And so there’s a lot of discomfort in that. And it was bringing up a lot in her. And we really kind of broke down this, getting comfortable with human discomfort and how hard it is when it’s this human that you feel responsible for and all you want is for them to feel, comfortable. And I’m like, but doesn’t the human experience involve discomfort? Period. 

And, and so we were talking about um, [00:29:00] like why, why are we so uncomfortable with the discomfort? And I thought, you know, all any parent really wants is they want their kid to feel good in their body, good in their skin, and to know even when to have the resilience, to know, even when I’m experiencing discomfort, I will not feel this way forever. Like we will get through this, like that, that self-belief. 

And, and to know also like, like I have people. I’m not all alone in this. First I have my family, I have my support system. Then I go out into the world, I join teams, I have my people. It’s never about being a human being who doesn’t experience discomfort, is automatically the best at everything, you know? And I think sometimes it’s these basic concepts when we get back to them, it really [00:30:00] is, it’s like we’ve complicated being a human being so much, and how do we get back to these basic concepts, which is we just all wanna know we have people that we go with. We feel seen. We’re not alone. We can get through hard things.

Dr. Kate Lund: Exactly. So, so good. Right. And you know, as parents also. So, and this is something that, that we’ve wrote, my husband and I have really tried to, to practice with our boys, you know, in a, in a developmentally appropriate way to not be afraid to share our own failures. I don’t love that way, word failure, but challenges, you know, the things that have been hard for us, you know, whatever the domain, um, I think is a very valuable, um, opportunity for our kids and really sets the foundation for them to understand that, it’s okay not to be perfect. It’s okay to have challenges. It’s okay to struggle. And it really then instills in [00:31:00] them their own ability to move through and beyond whatever the challenge might be. And again, easier said than done, but I think it’s, it’s important for us as parents to not project like perfection.

Randi Rubenstein: That was that Mom, it’s so funny that you bring up perfection because that was the part that was coming up for her. And she even identified what that perfection part looked like. I said, how old is she within you? She was seven. She was in a starched white, perfect dress with perfect pigtails. It was that exact thing. And we really unpacked and looked at that perfection part. 

Um. So I think you bring up a good point. I think that, you know, so often that is what stalls us out is we this striving to be perfect and whether we’re the, you know, it’s like all the parents that are like, just gimme the script. Just let me [00:32:00] memorize the thing. How should I say that? I’m like, it doesn’t freaking matter how you say it. Don’t, you know, it’s, it’s what energy are you bringing forth and let’s figure out how to get there. It’s not really the script. Um, yeah, I think this perfection piece is what stalls a lot of people out.

Dr. Kate Lund: Yeah, absolutely. And yeah, and, and really there’s no such thing as perfection. And the thing that that is so important is, there really is no script, right? It’s authenticity that’s really at the core that’s really so important. And that, um, yeah, that’s, that’s a really important piece. So to help parents, you know, figure out what it looks like, what it means for them to be authentic, you know, with their kids in their relationship with their kids, just in general, you know, that’s really, really important, I think.

Randi Rubenstein: So good. Well, tell us about, you have a new, you have, you’ve written a book and, uh, Bounce: [00:33:00] Help Your Child Build Resilience And Thrive In School, Sports And Life. And so that was, when did that book come out?

Dr. Kate Lund: Yeah, so that book came out in 2017 and, um, really a parenting manual with a focus on the child. How can we as parents help kids to kind of build a foundation in resilience. Looks at seven pillars, um, that kind of came out of my own lived experience, my experience watching my kids at, through elementary school and that kind of early middle school. And also my clinical work, you know, 20 years as a psychologist, um, had, had brought these things together and created these seven pillars.

And so that book really fun, really, uh, successful. And cool thing is the pillars all, you know, apply to all of us across the lifespan. Um, and so kind of on the heels of that book, well, many, many years later now, I’ve got my new book coming out, [00:34:00] called Step Away: The Keys to Resilient Parenting. And that really looks at how can we as parents build that resilient lifestyle. Be as resilient as we possibly can within our own unique context. Then how can we model that for our kids and to help them kind of build some of that, um, resilience into their own lifestyle, you know, into their own kind of life and way of being. 

And so, really excited about it. We’re in soft launch now, so it is available on ebook, um, on Amazon for 99 cents in our soft launch. And then, we’ll, we’ll launch it for real. The paperback will come out, um, the first week of October.

Randi Rubenstein: What made you write this book?

Dr. Kate Lund: Yeah, so such a great question and was really thinking about sort of what the next iteration of Bounce could be. But really it comes from, again, my [00:35:00] own lived experience as a parent over the past 18 years. Um, thinking about how my own resilience has ebbed and flowed over those 18 years, um, and what were the things that really helped me to build resilience as a parent and as a person in those early years when my kids were very young and all of that. Had some, some, some experiences. My husband was on the road for six days a week, um, when the, the boys were infants. And so that was a little bonkers. 

And, you know, so integrating my own, again, lived experience with the experiences of, you know, clients, things I’ve seen through my clinical work, that sort of thing, um, really is the main reason for why I wrote the book. Really integrating these three lenses because my other lens is my own experience as a kid and thinking about what my parents went through. [00:36:00] So stories related to all of that are woven through the text, and I think are at the core of why I decided to write the book and what I, some of the things I wanna do with it moving forward.

Randi Rubenstein: And what are you hoping that the readers take away from it?

Dr. Kate Lund: I really would like the readers to take away this idea that there’s no one size fits all. And I, I talk about the importance of really defining and understanding your own unique context, and the ways in which you can maximize your potential within that context, as a parent, as a human being and how you can help your kids to do the same.

And there’s some really, um, sort of core concepts, core strategies that I outline related to managing your stress response. And that’s sort of at the core of building a resilient [00:37:00] lifestyle. Sort of we want to be level each day, easier said than done, but we don’t wanna be starting up here in terms of our stress levels such that when a challenge hits, boom, we escalate to the point of shutdown. Right? So talk a lot about weaving in things that we can do each day to keep ourselves level, and then, um, you know, some of the other kind of, uh, strategies and things that we can do as parents to support ourselves to be at our best. 

But, I really want people to walk away with, okay, there’s no one size all fits all in parenting. There’s no one size fits all in building resilience. But how can I build the awareness of myself to understand what I need to be at my best, such that then I can help my kids to be to do the same.

Randi Rubenstein: Nobody tells you when you’re becoming a parent, oh, welcome to the Ultimate Personal Development Program. [00:38:00] Oh, and you’re gonna be responsible for raising human beings while you’re doing this. But this is an invitation ’cause you’re gonna face yourself and then some as you embark on this journey. And you gotta keep people alive while you’re at it.

Dr. Kate Lund: Absolutely. Yeah, so much so, so true, right? And, and, um, yeah. And so I think that’s really the, the core thing that I’d like folks to walk away with. As well as, um, and this goes along with your own unique context, please don’t compare yourself to others, right? Because, you know, it’s just, it’s again, focusing on your own context and not worrying about, you know, what others think or what they’re doing. Um, and again, easier said than done, I mean, much easier said than done, but an important concept to slowly integrate over time.

Randi Rubenstein: Well, I mean, Brene Brown, I think we’ve all heard her. You know her, [00:39:00] what does she say? Comparison is the thief of joy. Right. And I think it’s natural to fall into the compare and despair, um, mindset because we’re pack animals. And so you’re comparing yourself to like, do I have a place here? You know, is my, is my spot here in this pack, in this tribe, in this community, is it secure? Am I measuring up? Are they gonna think I’m pulling my weight? Am I gonna look bad? Will I have the status? Like all those things are such human parts of all of us, and so I think it’s like, okay, of course I’ve fallen into comparison because hello, I’m a human being, and good for me that I’m noticing it.

Dr. Kate Lund: Right. Exactly. That’s so important to notice, right? That peace, that self-awareness, that awareness of what’s driving [00:40:00] the way you’re feeling. Very important. And that’s, that’s another thing that, that we bring up in the book as well.

Randi Rubenstein: Do you have any sort of stories that, that you feel like you can share that from the book? Maybe just like a little snapshot of the story that, um, that you liked writing about and, and I don’t know, I would love to hear if there’s a little story you wanna share, give us a sneak peek.

Dr. Kate Lund: Yeah, well, sure. You know, um, I definitely, so all of the stories that I put in the book are kind of composite stories, kind of integrating different elements of real, um, stories, right. Uh, such that we wanna protect, protect the, um, the confidentiality and such. But, you know, there’s one in particular, uh, one client that I worked with, a story up front in the book. Um, came to me really sort of burned out, exhausted, manifesting with a lot of anxiety, depression. Really was at [00:41:00] loose ends as a, as a parent, as a person, really struggling. 

And over time got to the core of what the main goal was, and that was to return to her life as a serious triathlete, but couldn’t fathom this happening. And so over time, you know, did the work, self-awareness tools, managing stress response, all of these things. And this person got back to competing in triathlon, elite triathlon, excuse me, at a very high level. And to see the impact of that, of the work and how this person got to that point, and then the ripple effect for the rest of her life as well as, you know, the life of her family, her kids, was really quite powerful, quite inspiring and something that, you know, inspires me [00:42:00] to this day. 

You know, it’s just, it’s really cool to see what’s possible on that level. And a lot of that really focused on, okay, well maybe my triathlon journey is gonna look different than it did 30 years ago, but that’s okay. And how can we redefine, recreate, and what is this next version gonna look like? And quite honestly, it looks pretty cool, you know? And integrating. This person was able to integrate from the inside out what, what she really wanted to go after, was able to put the pieces in place and make it happen. And it was, it was pretty cool. But again, within their own unique context and not really looking at what had been, or what others were doing necessarily.

Randi Rubenstein: That’s so interesting. It’s, my husband, it it, it has a very similar story. He did these mini triathlons years ago, [00:43:00] and he just signed up for, he’s training right now for one, he hasn’t done one in, I wanna say 15 or 20 years. No, maybe 15 years, because he has back issues and running is really hard. And um, we’ve been spending a lot of time apart this summer and frankly because I’ve been in San Diego more and he’s been in Houston. 

And he was set, and I, I could tell, it’s like I am not the person I was back then. And so how do I meet myself where I am now? And um, and it’s been interesting to hear him go through the process. And he’s having, so it’s the process. He’s having so much fun, it fulfilled the purpose, you know, he’s like, you know, all about the train, you know, he is such a little rule follower. It’s like, he’s like, you know, all about the training. 

And um, and it’s been fun to, it’s been inspiring to me and he’s been more fun to be around. So I don’t have to feel guilty every time I’m, ’cause I’m like, I’m over here living my [00:44:00] life and, um, and I’d love for you to be out here with me, but you can’t be all the time. And so his work keeps him, you know, more stationary. And, and so instead of me feeling guilty or bad, now I get to feel more connected to him. I get to feel inspired. Um, he gets to share this. So I do think there’s a lot of ripple effects of that. So.

Dr. Kate Lund: Absolutely. I love that example. That’s, that’s ’cause that’s spot on, right? Because when our husband or partner or whatever is happy and engaged in something that’s meaningful to them, and if there’s that added bonus that, you know, exercise is gonna increase our mood state, you know, help with anxiety, whatever, um, that’s an added bonus. But, but I completely agree. And you guys have this fun thing to talk about, this meaningful thing and, and, and, and, yeah, I love that. That’s a great example.

Randi Rubenstein: Yeah. I love that. Um, well, so when does the book come out? You’re [00:45:00] in soft land, so already you can get it on Amazon, but the actual physical book.

Dr. Kate Lund: Right. The actual physical book is not quite available yet. That will be, um, the week of October 6th. So super excited about that. But yeah, right now it’s in soft launch ebook only. But yeah, really exciting. It’s been a great project. I’m, I’m, I’m really excited about it.

Randi Rubenstein: This is amazing. Well, I love your story. I love what you’re teaching and putting out there. I heard a lot of growth mindset, um, right, from the inside out and helping our kids to feel inspired to, you know, to, to be motivated from the inside out. It’s not necessarily about the trophies and the achievements and the, and and status. It’s how does this make you feel inside? Right. 

Getting to be a part of something is sort of the point and, [00:46:00] um, and, and really helping our kids to figure out how to thrive, right? To, to figure out, i, you know, I like to say it’s like, it’s like having the courage to be in beginner’s mindset again and again and again. Like, you’re not gonna just know how to do a thing, you’ve gotta start. And when we first, you know, I just started learning. I’m in a training program right now and one of my instructors used, said con confusion before conclusion

Dr. Kate Lund: Hmm. Nice. That’s so much. 

Randi Rubenstein: I thought I loved that because I was like, I feel so confused right now. I’m second guessing all these things. And the instructor said, whoa, whoa. We like to say, yeah, it’s part of the learning process. Confusion comes before conclusion. You have to be willing to be, and it’s uncomfortable to be in conclu, in, in confusion, right? And so I just think all these concepts are so important, not just [00:47:00] for our kids, but for ourselves too. So thank you for doing this amazing work and putting it out into the world and helping all of us.

Dr. Kate Lund: Well, thank you so much for having me. I really, I’ve enjoyed this conversation. It’s been really fun.

Randi Rubenstein: Really fun. Okay. Thanks everyone, and thanks for listening. Bye for now. 

Thanks for listening today, guys. I hope you picked up some tips, tools, maybe some baby steps for creating more balance and boundaries in your life. And I just wanted to let you know, if you want to continue moving the needle forward in creating this for yourself, having a happier household, I want you to go to my website and check out mastermindparenting.com. We have three beginning programs, and if you need some accountability and more support then please look for the one that would be a good fit for you.

And, as always, we’re on all the social channels under Mastermind Parenting, on Instagram it’s [00:48:00] mastermind_parenting. And, you know, periodically I do pop up on different Instagram lives, Facebook lives where I give you teaching and coaching and I love engaging with you live to help you help your strong-willed kids so that they can feel better, because when they feel better they do better, and I love, love, love getting to know you guys. 

So thanks for listening. If you like this podcast, please don’t forget to subscribe, rate and review. Super, super appreciative.