333: Thanksgiving and Having an Attitude of Gratitude

[00:00:00] Randi Rubenstein: My name’s Randi Rubenstein and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast. At Mastermind Parenting, we’re on a mission to support strong-willed kids and the families that love them.

[00:00:11] Well, hello, Thanksgiving people. It is the week of being thankful and all things that represent Thanksgiving. Um. I feel a little hesitant to make you a Thanksgiving podcast.

[00:00:28] I think it’s the rebel tendency in me. Uh, you know, it’s like I was thinking about it and I was thinking, oh, I should do a podcast about Thanksgiving and gratitude and just there was this ugh feeling in my body, which is like, there’s just something about sometimes some of these terms that I just, it’s like even though there are things that I really believe in.

[00:00:50] Like I believe in living a life of being grateful and thankful for all that you have, and I believe that what you focus on grows. So when you focus on all the things you have in your life to be grateful for. Huh. You get more things in your life to be grateful for. Um, but sometimes some of these terms, they’ve just been overused and it’s like, and even though I believe in ’em, it’s like the word empowerment or, um, mindfulness or self care or, um, what’s another one?

[00:01:24] Authenticity. Um, believe in a resilience. Believe in all these things, but sometimes they just get overused and they all of a sudden take on kind of this like fluffy meaning. And um, and they’re just spoken about in such general terms that I almost feel like we miss what they’re really about. And so then I find myself hesitant to talk about ’em.

[00:01:48] So. I’m just gonna put that out there that I feel hesitant to talk about gratitude when it comes to Thanksgiving and being thankful. And I dug deep because I think it’s important. I know it’s something I believe in. And so this is what I wanna talk to you guys about this week. I wanna talk about how to take something like gratitude and break it down.

[00:02:13] You know, like we’ve heard those cute sayings. Like gratitude is a new attitude. Um. But what does that really mean? Like, what does it mean to live your life in a, from a grateful place, from a place where you’re truly focused on what is going well in your life so that you can invite more of that and, um, and so.

[00:02:38] So, you know, I always get kind of, I don’t know, I, I, I feel like I buy in more to certain concepts and practicing a new way of like, whenever I’m creating like a new pattern in my life because I have changed my mindset a lot over the years. Um, I always, I need, maybe it’s ’cause like I’m a skeptic at heart.

[00:02:59] Um, I always knew a little science and there was something I read about called hedonic adaptation. And hedonic adaptation. All it means is that we get used to the good things or the bad things that happen to us. So like, you know, it’s like people that are disabled, there’s been studies out there that once they get over, um, like if you had a bad accident and then all of a sudden you find yourself in a wheelchair, like once you adapt to your new lifestyle, they’ve done studies and people who are living their life in wheelchairs are no less happy.

[00:03:37] Than people who aren’t living their life in wheelchairs. Um, excuse me. I ha I’m getting, um, interrupted right now ’cause I have a child home from school, Cora. Oh. Um, curious. Got the worst stain ever. Cory got the worst stain ever. What was it? Look. That’s terrible. That’s why we have bleach. It’s a good thing.

[00:03:59] It’s white. Okay. Can you gimme a minute? All right, we’re back. See, we’re in the trenches here, you guys. I’m actually recording from home today. I’m recording from home because I’ve been down with the flu. Um, but. God bless Tamiflu. I am grateful for Tamiflu because literally in about 18 hours I went from feeling like I was hit by a truck to feeling like I can record a podcast and um, and be happy about it.

[00:04:24] Okay, so back to hedonic adaptation. So. We get used to whatever our current condition is, basically. So it’s the same, just like with that disability, that person gets used to the disability and so it doesn’t affect their overall happiness once they adapt. It’s the same if you have a great life. So let’s say you really do have a pretty darn good life.

[00:04:47] Like you’ve got, you know, healthy kids and um, clean water and you live in America or in some other super civilized country and you, um, and you can pay your mortgage and life is pretty darn good. You still have, you know, healthy living parents even. Um, there’s so, you know, there, there can be so many things that are going on in your life and it’s like, wow, life is pretty good.

[00:05:17] But what happens is, is you just get used to it and before you know it, the complaining comes in. And that’s what I like to refer to my, what I say to my kids is, sounds like a first world problem. Which of course. Really pisses them off. Um, like when they’re complaining about like, oh my gosh, I don’t understand why I can’t have Snapchat yet.

[00:05:37] Or whatever it is. Um, and I’m like, that sounds like such a first world problem. Wow. And they’re like, stop, don’t be sarcastic. But we really do have so many first world problems, and I think we’re all kind of, we, we all are guilty of this, where we have a pretty good life and we find ourselves complaining.

[00:06:00] Like I have a friend who I adore, adore, adore, and her husband passed away. Um, he got, it was not like nine months from diagnosis to death. Amazing cancer doctor worked for MD Anderson and literally like the epitome of health and from diagnosis to death, nine months. Boom. Done. And she’s, um, she’s an amazing, amazing person.

[00:06:29] But we were talking recently and she was saying, um, that when people are going through hard things sometimes, and she’s not, she’s the opposite of like that victim mentality and she’s just so healthy about it and she talks about it and she’s learned so much from like Cheryl Sandberg about it. Um, and so we have some really honest conversations and I can kind of ask her anything.

[00:06:52] And I was saying, you know. I don’t even think I can. I was, I said I was, I’m so morbid. I said recently I was thinking of what, like, like what if all of a sudden Scott was just like dead. You know, I’m saying this to my friend whose husband passed away like less than three years ago. That’s, you know, that’s a real friendship when you don’t even have to like, you know, pepper your words.

[00:07:15] You can just say it. I’m like, I was trying to think of what would it be like if all of a sudden Scott was just gone dead, not here. And I said, because I really just wanted to try and just go there. Like what would that be like? What would it be like if he was chronically ill and how would it be imagining that?

[00:07:36] And I said, and to be totally honest, I couldn’t imagine it. Like I couldn’t really, I was trying so hard to go there and I couldn’t go there. It was probably when I was annoyed with him about something and I was thinking, okay, maybe I need to put this in perspective. And maybe if I imagine him dead, then I won’t be so annoyed with him.

[00:07:54] I mean, seriously, you guys, I think I’m deranged. Um, and I said, and I just couldn’t. Yeah. And if y’all hear all that little shaking and twitching in the background, that’s also my little dog, Stella, keep it down. People are trying to pay attention and focus here. Um, so I was like, I. I said, I can’t even, I said, I couldn’t even imagine.

[00:08:15] Like I can’t even really go there. What is that about? And she’s like, yeah, you can’t. It’s not the kind of thing you can even imagine unless you’ve gone there. Unless you’re there. And she was saying, you know, when people are like going through divorce or you know, going through, you know, some career issues or money problems or whatever, she’s like sometimes and she’s like the most caring, loving, amazing person.

[00:08:41] She really is. And she’s like. She’s like, honestly, sometimes I’m sitting there going, I can’t even, I cannot even deal with you. She’s like, I just can’t even deal with them. ’cause it’s just, you know, she’s like, and it’s not like you wanna compare your pain to someone else’s pain, but like, and I said, it’s like a first world problem.

[00:08:58] She goes, yeah, it’s like a first world problem. You know? She’s like my, like the love of my life. The father of my children. Like he will never stand next to me at one of my children’s weddings. Like, like gone. And I was like, wow. And you know, I honestly think that sometimes thinking those morbid thoughts, it like snaps us into perspective and it can snap us into, this sounds so crazy, but it can snap us into a state of gratitude where it’s like, okay, I need to put myself in check.

[00:09:34] Like, what the hell am I complaining about? Really, like what am I complaining about? Maybe I’ve just got hedonic adaptation and I’ve just gotten too used to uncomfortable with my life that I’m just. Looking for, you know, crap to complain about. And, um, and so I thought that that was, um, I thought it was interesting and, and the research says that we have to fight hedonic adaptation to maximize happiness and gratitude is a powerful tool to add.

[00:10:11] To kind of like your happiness arsenal to be able to do this. So when you cultivate an attitude of gratitude, um, I love, you know, even though I make fun, I do love a catchy saying, and I love a rhyme because my brain will actually remember it. It’ll remember a mantra like that. And so when you are in a.

[00:10:29] Negative spiral. It’s like having little things like that posted on your mirror or on your computer screen or just any, you know, on a bracelet. I love to wear things that ke that help remind me to stay in the right mindset. Like I, I have a friend who I love and she makes fun of me. She’s her son, and my son are best friends.

[00:10:48] They’re 12. She’s like, oh, whenever Evan sees something with one of those. You know, freaky saying, freaky Randi saying Donnie’s like, oh, that looks like something Randi would wear. And I’m like, and I just laugh about it because it does, it helps to keep my brain in check. So cultivating gratitude is a practice, and when you wear things or have little mantras that are quickly and easily readily available to you, it helps you to practice.

[00:11:16] And cultivate that practice. And one of the ways that I like to practice gratitude is when something, um, something that’s happened in my life, okay? When there’s something that’s challenging, what I have learned to do and what I try to do. And it’s hard to do it in the heat of the moment. So just know this is something that you do usually later, after when you’re reflecting on it, is to change the word for.

[00:11:44] To change the word two to four. So this is happening for me, not to me. Okay. So you know when you have those things that happen and you’re like, why me? You are gonna get to a place. You are gonna practice gratitude by getting to a place of how can I look at this as something that’s happening for me, but not to me.

[00:12:09] Okay. So, um. So there’s all kinds. I wrote some things down because I was like, maybe I, me being the science junkie, maybe I need to give you guys a little bit of science. But there’s, just know, there’s all kinds of research studies out there about gratitude and how much it affects all the different areas of your life in positive ways, like they did all these super boring studies that you don’t wanna hear about.

[00:12:31] Basically, it affects your personality, that makes you more optimistic, it makes you less self-centered. It gives you higher self-esteem. It makes you less materialistic. It affects your health by helping you to sleep more, worry less, less illness, more longevity, more energy making. You wanna exercise more.

[00:12:49] When you’re focused on the things you have to be grateful for. It makes you wanna live. Like, look at all this amazingness in my life that I want to live for, versus when you sit and ruminate on all the crap that’s going wrong, ugh. These genes are killing me. They’re tied in my stomach. Or why did my mom say that?

[00:13:09] Or why does, why God, her husband, look at what he gives her for her birthday or mother’s day or whatever. Why don’t I have anyone in my life that wants to dote on me like that when we focus on all the things that we don’t have or why me? I mean, think about it, it’s just like, ugh. You just feel lethargic and you ruminate on that.

[00:13:31] And of course it’s gonna affect all these other thing areas of your life. And so, um, it’s gonna affect you emotionally. Like socially, who really, like, do we really wanna be, I mean, the only time you wanna be around the person who’s constantly complaining is if you’re complaining too. ’cause then you’re like, oh, at least I’m not all alone.

[00:13:50] But then after you walk away, you’re like, you’re like IOR and ior. It’s not, I mean, it’s just not fun and misery loves company, so it’s so easy to find yourself, but then it usually just feels like a negativity hangover afterwards. So. Um, and I, and I also want y’all to know this totally affects your career because if, if you don’t think that focusing on all the negative versus focusing on all that you have going in your life, all the positive things and all the things you wanna create and all the things you’re excited about, if you don’t think that affects your creativity, your saleability, um, it completely.

[00:14:35] Affect your work life. So when you practice what you have to be thankful for in this life, what you have to be grateful for, and you, you, you very consciously make it a practice, it will affect you in all of these various ways. And so, um, a little exercise that I want you guys to do. I think it’s a great place to start, and especially in terms of your family, because Thanksgiving is such a holiday about family being grateful for family being, you know, all about health and happiness.

[00:15:09] Um. I think that for many of us who have a strong-willed child in our life, if you are in the thick of it and your, your strong-willed child is still, you know, in the pretty crazy challenging years when they’re younger, um, I just want you to do this exercise where you envision future. You, okay? So you’re gonna sit down.

[00:15:41] And you’re going to, you are gonna imagine yourself, let’s say, five or 10 years in the future. And what you’re gonna say is, what you’re gonna, the prompt you’re gonna kind of write to is, I’m gonna come up with five ways that this strong willed child happen for me and not to me. Okay? Five ways. Like, think about every challenge in your life.

[00:16:09] That you have ever overcome and you have ever felt this amazing sense of accomplishment and you’ve learned so much and you, and you just are like, I’m, so, I had to go through that thing because that’s how I got to where I am now. So having, having been blessed with this strong-willed child is no different.

[00:16:34] Like, this is what I like, this is how I like to think of it. Is something larger than yourself out there in the universe. Whatever it is you believe in, said there are certain people who are destined to be parenting trailblazers, and so I’m going to give these particular people a strong-willed child.

[00:16:58] ’cause these strong-willed children propel us to learn. New things to learn, a new conversation. They absolutely dig their heels in and refuse to be, um, to be controlled. They refuse to get with the program when we use old school Fear and punishment tactics, and you guys know this, like when you try and use threats or bribing or overpower them with fear and yelling.

[00:17:33] Like sometimes if you scare ’em enough in the moment, they may break down, but it’s just they’re gonna come back with a vengeance the next time. And for any of you guys listening who have a strong-willed kid who you used like severe fear tactics on when they were little, you know what happens when they become teenagers?

[00:17:49] Like all hell breaks loose and they just like hold it in until they can rebel with a vengeance. Um, because that’s the way it is. So if you’ve been blessed with a strong-willed kid. I believe it’s because something larger than yourself believes that you are meant to be a trailblazer. You are meant to learn this new parenting conversation.

[00:18:12] You are meant. To spread change in the world and to raise this child, this strong-willed child with all of this amazing, tremendous leadership energy and to teach them how to channel it for good. But first and foremost, you have to learn the new conversation yourself. You have to be willing to learn it.

[00:18:32] You have to be willing to unlearn all of those, you know, you will not talk to me like this. You will not ’cause you miss the boat when you do that. You’re strong-willed child. When they’re acting out, it’s only because they feel misunderstood and there’s something going on on the inside where they feel unregulated.

[00:18:50] Y’all know you’ve heard me talk about this, and when we try to overpower and control them and shut them down, they dig their heels and become more defiant because they’re basically saying, you are the up. You’re the one with the fully developed brain. Please help me feel better. Help me. Help me realize.

[00:19:09] How I can develop better coping skills so that I can calm myself down and I can step into my leadership energy, all this strong-willed awesomeness, how I can turn it into real awesomeness instead of, you know, total defiance and power struggling with you. I would love to channel all of this energy in a positive way, but mom or dad, I need you to help me learn how to do it.

[00:19:35] And so we have to dig in. Learn new patterns ourselves. So how does this, how did this strong-willed child happen for you and not to you? I want you to become future you who has gone on to achieve. Reach for the stars. You guys think of all the things you wanna have a voice for, all the things you wanna achieve, where you wanna be out, you know, kicking butt in the world and what you would love to be doing.

[00:20:07] Um, that maybe you don’t even wanna express out loud, you know, maybe it is that, maybe there are some. Some creature comforts that you want. Maybe it is that you want the big house and you wanna take fabulous vacations and you want to, um, be dressed for success. You know, there’s nothing wrong with that.

[00:20:25] That’s okay. Maybe those are the things you want. Maybe you, um, maybe you wanna go on and pursue higher degrees, or you wanna open your own business or you want to. Um, start a school or you just wanna have the family of your dream. I don’t know. I don’t know what it is, but let’s say five or 10 years down the road, you had all of that.

[00:20:48] And what helped you to have the chutzpah to go for it is that you had this strong-willed child who pushed you to your edge, who said you have to become a different, more evolved. Version of yourself to go for all those things. So I’m gonna be here challenging you on the home front. You’re gonna learn how to communicate with me more effectively, and then mom or dad, you’re gonna go out and you’re gonna spread all the things that you’ve learned here with me out in other areas of your life.

[00:21:23] What if that happened? Would you not see this strong-willed child as happening for you and not to you? So what I invite you guys to do. On this Thanksgiving is to look at your family, and particularly to look at your strong-willed child if you have one, and to think in your brain to really, really, really go there and say, you happen for me, not to me.

[00:21:55] I am so grateful for you, and you don’t even have to say it out loud when you think it, when you feel it, when you embody it, I promise you your child feels that. So that’s what I’ve got for you this Thanksgiving. 

[00:22:14] Thanks for listening today, guys. I hope you picked up some tips, tools, maybe some baby steps for creating more balance and boundaries in your life, and I just wanted to let you know if you want to continue moving the needle.

[00:22:29] Forward in creating this for yourself, having a happier household. I want you to go to my website and check out mastermind parenting.com. We have three beginning programs and if you need some accountability and more support then please. Look for the one that would be a good fit for you. Um, and as always, we’re on all the social channels under Mastermind Parenting on Instagram.

[00:22:55] It’s Mastermind underscore parenting. Um, and you know, periodically I do pop up on different Instagram lives, Facebook Lives where I give you teaching and coaching, and I love engaging with you live. To help you, help your strong-willed kids so that they can feel better. Because when they feel better, they do better.

[00:23:17] And, um, I love, love, love getting to know you guys. So thanks for listening. If you like this podcast, please don’t forget to subscribe, rate and review. Super, super appreciative.